A Gender Gap

Yesterday's post regarding male/female communication set off some strong emotions among my readers.  There were male readers who were downright offended at the idea they would sexualize most communication from females.  At the same time they acknowledged they "think about sex a lot."  One real-life male friend told me the article's statistic stating men are thinking of sex 80-90% of the time during a conversation with a female is "probably on the high side."  He didn't, however, sound as if he thought the statistic was on the high side by much.

I also got an email from a male friend asking if I was referring to him in that post.  Did he not read my disclaimer at the beginning of the post?  No, I was not referring to anyone in my life with that post.  The idea came strictly from the article I read.  Thank you very much ....

Surprisingly, most of the female readers who left comments or sent emails felt that men do, in fact, see life through sex-tinted glasses.  I realize most of you don't take the time to read through comments so I've posted the highlights for you here today. 

I was up late last night retrieving my daughter at LAX airport from her summer abroad.  Due to lack of time. I haven't linked every author to their comment, but you can click on yesterday's comments if you would like to see who wrote what.  I hope all my commenters will forgive me this lack of blog etiquette for this one occasion.  TR is finally home after her nine week trip and we were up to all hours celebrating her return.

From a female reader:
My husband is a case in point. I can't even make a casual comment like, "I'm hungry" without him grabbing his groin and going, "I've got something for you to snack on, baby." He's 54 years old, for God's sake ....

From a female reader:
I am so sick of every single comment being a sexual innuendo and every touch turned into a sexual grope.

From a female reader:
I think men get married because they want a regular sexual partner. Women get married so they have a companion. Those goals are at odds, and no wonder 50% of marriages end in divorce. I mean think about it -- women don't want to have sex with their husbands unless their husbands spend time with them; husbands don't want to spend time with their wives unless their wives have sex with them. Not compatible goals, I'm thinking.

From a male reader:
The article you were reading sounds silly...and completely idiotic. They obviously interviewed a high school football team for their content!

From a male reader:
I think that magazine was written by 13 year old boys. Men don't think like that. Sure, we flirt and can do a double entendre on occasion. But I stopped looking for sex in every remark sometime after I graduate jr. high.  We do think about sex a lot.

From a female reader:
When I tell my husband I'm tired, he tells me I need a little protein, and you know what he means.   ewwwww. Just what I need, a little ***hair on my teeth before I go teach kindergarten. yuck.

From a female reader:
Oh YES! They are never NOT thinking about sex. Especially blow jobs!

From a male reader:
That article takes it too far. Yeah, if you say you're wet, I'm gonna pay attention. But if you ask how I am, I assume you want to know how I am. Give us guys a little credit.

From a female reader:
I thought when I was saying "how are you" to a guy friend, what I really meant was "god damn, do I want to blow you."  I guess, maybe, I just really wanted to know how he was.

From a female reader:
Perhaps I live in a bubble where men and women can be friends and can associate freely without sex being involved... but it is my bubble and I like it!

My favorite comment left by a male reader (Neil from Citizen of the Month):

This is my first time at this blog, but being a male, I have the feeling that you were writing about me when you wrote it, and I think you totally want to have sex with me. Am I right?

And my favorite comment left by a female reader (Margaret from Nanny Goats in Panties):

I would think it would depend on how much of a sextard the guy is.  (Neil???)

Comments

[Miz Liz]

I read this yesterday and didn't have time to comment. I'm glad you stirred the pot with this one. The magazine might be painting an exaggerated picture but the first comment you posted today is a perfect example! And may I add that the term 'sextard' is now officially in my vocabulary. Let's face it. Women don't go around groping their groins. Sure, we all love sex (at least I do) but I don't have enough time in the day to think about it all the time, only half the time. ;-)

[Neil]

I think a few of your readers were confusing thinking and acting. I think you can be the most loving and loyal husband, a man who finds his wife the sexiest woman alive, and still thing about sex with the waitress serving the burger at the diner. This doesn't mean that the man would have sex, or even WANT to if she actually came onto him. It just is. And frankly, if I think men were given as much freedom as women to express their emotions -- cry, hug, say I love you to their friends -- without seeming unmanly, they wouldn't have to fall back on sexing up every encounter with a woman. Many men have no other way of expressing themselves.

[vodkamom]

Wait, let me go brush my teeth. Okay, now, where was I??

[Lynn K.]

I didn't have a chance to comment yesterday, but it seems like I did. I swear some of the commenters read my mind.

Hubby complains that I am not affectionate enough sometimes, but I am so tired of a hug turning into a grope. A kiss turning into a pat on the butt. Sometimes a little nonsexual affection is all I want. Some where to rest my head without it leading to anything else.

What part of me doing the dishes and he coming up and squeezing my butt does he think is a turn on for me??? How about grabbing a towel and helping.

[amyz5]

is is bad to say i am falling in love with citizen of the month?

great comment!

[Undomestic Diva]

I really feel a little -icky- commenting here and on this being that you and I are, ya know... but... truth is your female reader who said men want marriage for a reg. sexual partner and women want marriage for companionship... different goals which often lead to divorce is DEAD ON.

Men would like to say that they'd love different partners and not just a monogomous relationship, but the older they get, the less they want to have to chase after tail. It's true.

And yet the older women get, the more confident they become to chase after something they want, to liberate themselves, etc. I bet older women cheat more than older men and younger men cheat more than younger women.

And yes, every woman on the internet wants Neil. [fanning myself]

[kelly]

OK, I want Neil too now.
Why do men think a grope will get them what they want? Don't they have a clue how much we hate it?

[Donna in VA]

Wow! What a subject and what a reaction from your readers!
I just went to my boss and brought up the subject of your blog and asked what he thought about it. He said, "No. Men who don't GET sex think about it 80% of the time. Men who DO get sex, not so much." And I, personally, think the reverse is true for women. Women who don't GET sex rarely think about it, while women who DO get sex think about it often.
Either way you slice it, the majority of men and women are polar opposites on all kinds of levels. Maybe there IS something to the whole Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus deal.

[Margaret (Nanny Goats)]

Clearly, Donna in VA does not work in a sexual harrassment lawsuit-happy office.

I loved your quote from Neil.

Thank you for the link and an opportunity to coin a new term.

[Cathy]

Is Neil single?

[Twenty Four At Heart]

Cathy?? I don't know if Neil is single. However ... you're not.
Remember?!

[Jan]

I didn't have time to comment yesterday either - my bad - but the woman who says she can't say something like "I'm hungry" without her husband grabbing his crotch and telling her "I've got something right here for you to snack on, baby" must be Beloved's other wife. Except that her husband is a couple of years older than Beloved - if it weren't for that, I'd be REAL suspicious.

And Lynn? Don't ask me what it is about us being in the kitchen that makes them want to assault us. I've yet to figure that one out myself.

[MadWomanMeg]

Ahahaha Sextard. That's awesome!

I honestly agree with a good portion of that article. My husband is constantly making sexual references. If I have a headache, he has a cure. If I'm hungry, he's got something for me. It goes on and on.

Great post!!!

As for all the male denial....methinks thou doth protest too much :)

[Lynn K.]

I *thought* I was alone in all this. Thanks for starting this discussion Jan. I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who says "I'm cold" when I'm cold, not wanting to hear "I know how to warm you right up." But rather, "let me get you blanket."

Can we like start a revolution or something?

[Midlife Mama]

**jumping up and down** Yes!! Yes!! OH Yes!! (no, male readers, I'm NOT having an orgasm. Geesh!) I am jumping up and down with excitement!! Other women have the same problem!! It's not just me that thinks this groping behavior is 1) not a turn on and 2) not a turn on!!!!!

Lynn K., I am SOOOOO with you!! Why, why, WHY is it so hard for our husbands to give nonsexual contact?!? Why????

Because they're sextards, I guess! LOL

OMG what a total relief! My husband always makes me feel like it's MY FAULT that I'm not turned on by the groping, that I'm weird and a prude and that there is something wrong with me!!! OMG I'm not the only one!! I'm not!!! Halleluijah! Suzanne, you have no idea how happy I am that you brought this up.

Well, okay, maybe the jumping up and down gave me away. Hee!

[jill prettyman]

OK we need to have all our husbands read this so they get that not wanting to have sex every time they are in the room with us doesn't mean we don't love them anymore!! I'm also glad to find out I'm not alone here,
I love my husband to death, but he is definatly the world biggest sextard!

[Kristan]

Okay, the first comment and the last two cracked me up!!

Thoughts:

- "I think men get married because they want a regular sexual partner. Women get married so they have a companion. Those goals are at odds, and no wonder 50% of marriages end in divorce. I mean think about it -- women don't want to have sex with their husbands unless their husbands spend time with them; husbands don't want to spend time with their wives unless their wives have sex with them. Not compatible goals, I'm thinking." < Well, not necessarily. It does sort of become a chicken vs. egg, which comes first, dilemma. BUT why can't they do both and both be happy? Someone just has to be willing to give in first, and then you're set! (Oversimplified solution, I know, but you get the point.)

- "That article takes it too far. Yeah, if you say you're wet, I'm gonna pay attention. But if you ask how I am, I assume you want to know how I am. Give us guys a little credit." < Agreed. I'm a female, and I'D take notice if someone said they were wet! Maybe because a lot of my friends are immature guys, or I'm immature myself sometimes, but I think joking about sex with opposite-gender buddies is fine and fun, and probably lessens the suspicions/tensions.

[end two cents]