Infidelity

I know this subject has come up before, but I feel like I need to "write this off my chest."

Everywhere I go lately, I hear story after story of affairs.  Maybe it's because I'm now (gulp) in my forties, but I haven't ever encountered the sheer numbers of unfaithful individuals I seem to now.  It would be easy to dismiss it as an Orange County phenomenon but I don't think that's the case.  Yes, there are an abundance of people in the OC with no morals or values, but I don't think it's much different than many other metropolitan areas.

What never ceases to amaze me is how people rationalize their infidelity.  They, or their partner, are "having marital problems" so the rules don't apply?  I know a long term marriage is not easy and has its ups and downs.  I know all marriages don't, and shouldn't, last. 

I've been married a very long time.  

I know there are times when it's not easy.

In fact, I know there are times when it's just damn hard.

But really?  Who ever said when the going gets tough, it's time to start screwing around? If the marriage is over, why not end it before getting involved with someone else?  I'm not a prude, I understand temptation and lust.  I'm not the morality police ....  I'm just an observer.

I've found myself surrounded by two situations recently and they both hurt my heart.  I'm only going to write about one today.  The two situations are really fairly similar anyway. They have varying details, but they have a lot in common.

A female long-term friend of mine has had a flirtatious "friendship" for years with a man who is not her husband.  Over the last year, as her marriage has become stressful, she has turned to this male friend more and more.  Their relationship crossed the line from an emotional affair to a physical one.  Very recently she has left her husband and immersed herself in the new relationship.

She is emotional and raw from her marital turmoil, but thinks throwing herself immediately into another relationship will be the cure.  I'm sure it's a boost to her self esteem to feel wanted ... but does she really feel her rebound relationship is the answer to her life?  To me, it seems clear she is just seeking security because she's afraid of being alone.   

I don't want to go into the details, but for many reasons this is (in my very humble opinion) the last thing she needs right now.

What about her new "boyfriend?"  Doesn't he see red flags all over the place?  Doesn't he see that his presence is more about assuaging her emotions than it is about him?  Or does he rationalize all this information away?  Are men just happy if they're getting sex?

That was a ridiculous question, wasn't it?

This situation is hurting my heart.  It's painful to watch.  It's painful to hear her talk about it.  It's hard to keep my mouth shut when I want to cry out, "Stop!  You're making a terrible choice and it will cause you a lot of pain down the road."

It's to the point where I can't be around my friend right now.  She hasn't asked for, and doesn't want, my advice.  She can't see anything but her own emotional need to run from one man to another.  My heart hurts because I'm watching a train wreck in the making. It's become easier to walk away than watch.

When it's over ... and I know it will be eventually, I'll be there for my friend if she needs me.  Right now, I can't be.  It's too painful.  I feel like I'm mourning our friendship because I've had to walk away from it.

Have you ever stood by and watched a friend make terrible choices?  What did you do? Did your friendship survive?

Comments

[Alan]

Marriage is the toughest job I've ever had. And it takes a lot of work. At some point, you just have to decide thaat you are gonna either make it work or you need to move on. But don't screw around. It's only gonna make your life miserable.

And that's where I stand on that!

[sherendipity]

I've never had to stand by and watch my friends go through emotional turmoil, but I did lose a friend who wouldn't stand by and watch mine.
She was very much in the same position you are in, and I was in the position that your friend is in, only there was no affair involved, just the ending of a marriage.
She thought I was making a huge mistake, much like you do, and she abandoned me because she wouldn't be a part of it.
It turns out, I was making one of the best, and absolutely hardest decisions of my life, and wouldn't change a thing about it.
We were never friends again.

[Kristan]

Ick. I'm not at a stage in my life where my friends and I are really dealing with marital problems, but there's always regular old relationship drama.

I think you're doing a smart thing by walking away for a bit. It's something I wish I had done a few years ago and it might have saved a certain friendship. Instead I tried to be a "good friend" (or so I thought) and nurse the injured party through the pain without taking sides. All I ended up doing was pissing her off and feeling inadequate.

I don't know how exactly, but I hope things get better for you and your friends. [hug]

[Twenty Four At Heart]

Sherendipity,
I'm not questioning her decision to leave her marriage. Only she can know if that is the right thing to do. I question her throwing herself into another relationship before her marriage was over, and then running to it to soothe her self esteem and "aloneness."

[Lo]

friendship didn't survive. but i'm also the kind of person who cuts ties easily... comes from moving so much. sad, but true, friendships don't really survive long distance. this happened to me abotu a year ago, a friend went thru this... iwas her maid of honor at her wedding in july and now we don't talk. i tried to be there, but i was just so disgusted and annoyed, quite frankly, at her choices that i just said... i can't support this. and she still hasn't changed. i don't know. i wish that you and your friend will be different. but you can't stop people from doing something they want to do.

[ChurchPunkMom]

No, it's not an OC thing.. It can happen anywhere, to anyone.

My advice would be to stick by your friend (without condoning her actions). Be honest and straightforward about your feelings on the matter and if she's willing to keep you around, then stay. Her head is so far up her ass right now that she doesn't know which way is out.

I have more experience on this subject than I like to admit.

[NGS]

Maybe my life is drama filled, but I am going through this right now. My friend has an awful marriage and can't quite seem to just rip the BandAid off. She's still technically living with her husband, but she's also having intimate conversations with an old flame (damn Facebook). I feel like maybe, once her marriage officially ends, if it ever does, she'll need some time to be alone, just her and her child. But I think she's going to jump headfirst into another relationship.

I don't know what to do. She's my best friend. I will support her and dry her tears. I've told her I think it's a bad idea, but I won't mention it again. There's nothing worse than a nag. I won't say I told you so later, but I sure as heck will think it.

It's tough. I wish you luck. You're a good friend for being so concerned.

[PAPA]

All my friends are in loving relationships. Men and Women who treat each other with respect.
All these other people running around with their little drama infidelities are sad. they sicken me. It comes down to love and respect. I love my wife and I respect her. I would never think to do anything to disrespect her AND she would never allow me to disrespect her. That's key. She's a strong woman and I value that. Commitment is a choice, but a far rewarding one.

[Kelly]

I've been in a similar situation and it's a NO WIN. If you give advice your friend will get defensive. If you don't ... you feel disloyal for letting them walk into a disaster. You can't do much but what you're doing.

[Mama Dawg]

I'm sort of watching this myself w/a friend of mine. It is hard to watch but there's nothing I can do except be there for her.

Sigh.....this is one reason I don't want to get married again.

[Liz C]

Like ChurchPunkMom, I, too, have far more experience in this area than I wish. When up against the ropes, even normally rational people react emotionally. It's not always a thing you can control, and for a rational person like myself, it's extremely distressing.

When I was in the midst of such a mess 20+ years ago, it was the closest I've ever come to a 'mental break', as they call nervous breakdowns these days.

My marriage of 28 years recently ended over an affair (not mine). I knew why it happened -- things had been degrading for years, but it wasn't 'that bad' and neither one of us could step back and say 'enough'. So my ex did the only thing he could do to force the issue, although he did it more or less unconsciously, out of desperation and loneliness. And I accept that I walked him right to the edge of the cliff.

It was a bloody painful break, but we stayed civil, worked with a mediator, and ended it fairly gracefully. Ex is still one of my oldest friends (we married very young) and since we still have one kid at home, we see each other almost daily. He married the woman from the affair, which I think might prove to be a mistake, but they are better matched than he and I were, and he is one of those people who hated being alone.

As for 'alone time', I'd planned for a nice long chunk of it, but ran into an old friend just two months after the divorce. We started dating a few months later, fell in love, and have been together two years.

Not what I'd planned, but he is my soul mate, and I never believed in 'soul mates' before.

(Sorry so long!)

[Renee Couturier]

Yes, I have been in your shoes and watch my close friend "almost" screw it all up for some well deserved "attention". Marriage is extremely tough sometimes, but when you make a commitment at least have the decency to try or get out before something happens. I will say that my friends marriage survived, but I don't see them as much now as I used to. It's hard and they don't want to hear that what they are doing is wrong. So I can totally relate. Hang in there because you are right she will come back to you, and she will definitely need some support and understanding.
You are a good friend.

[Bev]

My first husband had an affair with a "friend" of ours. Talk about hurtful. I was pretty sure I would die. I didn't. We divorced and he married her. Then he did the same thing to her. Surprise, surprise! He just can't keep it in his pants so to speak. He has married this new woman (who is the same age as his DAUGHTER). Why does he continue to marry? I asked him that and said...why not just be single and be with EVERY woman you want? You don't have it in you to be faithful. But he is on his 4th marriage as we speak. I just don't get it. I think you are correct that if you are going to be with someone besides your spouse, leave that marriage FIRST, then get into that relationship. If my present marriage ever doesn't work out, I am never going to marry again. There are MUCH worse things than being single!

[Anon]

I dont really like to talk about it, but I had an affair. It was the worst mistake of my life. I think it spawned from several large emotional challenging things happening and caused me to get depressed and seek for something to get me out of it. I remember wanting to be self-destructive.

I had conversations with the other person and I was confident that nothing was going to go wrong. I was lying to myself, everyday it got bigger.

I also remember when I told my wife about it. I felt numb. I finally got some help and my wife fortunately stood by my side. If it was not for her, I don't know where I would be now, as she has made me a better person.

I think that if only someone had heard my phone calls or challenged me, or even if i had just talked to anyone before it started, things could have been different and i would not have this story to share.

Be that good friend that shows them their lie. An affair is temporary, it rarely lasts as a relationship, and it should not be accepted.

-Anon

[Sandra]

This happened with close friends of ours who we spent every weekend with and our daughters were best friends. The wife was doing that with my husband. Using him emotionally. I can't say for sure how physical it got but my gut told me to beware. One day I finally told them both that she was no longer allowed over. We were cutting off all ties to them. Her husband had also felt their relationship was inapropriate so he was all for this "break-up". I don't regret my decision but wish I'd done it sooner.

[Debi]

My husband had a close female friend and I sat by frustrated watching their "friendship" merge into something else. She was having problems, she "needed" him ... and he needed to be needed. Supposedly it never got physical, but I don't know if I believe that or just have convinced myself it's true? I put my foot down finally. They work together though and still see each other at work.

[sometimessophia]

Very tough... She's lucky to have you if you're willing to stand by her when things fall apart. You haven't mentioned kids, so I hope there are no children involved. Multiply ten-fold the financial, emotional, spiritual, domestic, disciplne problems that arise from infidelity when kids are involved. It's too sad...

I guess I'm a firm believer in trying all things to make a marriage work... even though I can't claim I was successful in holding my first marriage together. The dissolution process took a period of six years before there was no going back... no marriage to return to.

Even if she won't hear what you have to say... at least be there to listen to her. Maybe she will rethink things if she listens to her own words.

[karen]

I am watching my brother do this right now. I have actually tried to help but it doesn't work and he is right back to where he started. I just have to hold myself back now and wait for him to stop..

[Lump]

The "emotional" affair, in my opinion, is far worse than the "physical" affair. Emotions are hard to cut-off. The physical isn't. I would stab my bf's balls if he was investing all his emotional time with another woman. (Not literally stab, but you get what I'm saying. ha.) However, I am not at all condoning any kind of affair.

[Sudheer]

This page contains one of the most valubale information on marriage and fidelity, with real examples. We better take care of ourselves.
Perhaps it is sufficient to pray for others' welfare, when caught in a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

I'm involved in an affair right now. My marriage to my husband is over and miserable, but I don't want to hurt my kids so I keep hanging in. It's been over for years, just not legally. Other than kids, the only joy I have in my life is my lover who genuinely loves me. I'm not proud of the affair but its keeping me sane.

[Anonymous]

Really what is worse an emotional or a physical affair? Or an affair that is both?

[PunkOnFire]

Any infidelity can wound a marriage, whether emotional or physical. It is damaging to both partners. The cheater and the betrayed.

People on both sides suffer from damaged self worth and self esteem, the marriage suffers from the broken trust and loss of innocence.. No matter how bad or 'dead' a marriage is, it will be made worse by infidelity.

People who experience it would not generally say before hand that they married a person that they think 'could' or 'would' cheat. I would have told you before it happened to me that I *knew* 100% that my husband would never stray. But he did. I may have also told you before that I would have left if he did.. But I didn't.

It's an easy thing to fall into.. and one of the hardest things to over come and heal from.

[Kimberly]

No morals and values are certainly everywhere, not just the OC. I don't mean the religious morals and values that the right politicians always talk about, but just being decent people. It's all about what I want, when I want it, and I don't care who I hurt getting it. It's awful!

It's so hard being the one removed from the situation that is making the person make terrible choices. I guess until you've walked in their shoes...but most of the times it just makes me want to shake them and say, "Stop it!"

[PhenomenalMama]

That's the thing about being a good friend to someone...sometimes you just have to sit back and watch them go down the wrong road...because some things have to be learned first-hand. The sign of a great friend is allowing someone the space to make their own mistakes, but being there when they need to be propped up afterwards. It's hard...excruciatingly hard...but that's what friendship is sometimes.

[thistle]

hmmm...i have a story about a couple that is long and somewhat twisty so i won't try to tell it here...suffice to say that some women seem to 'need' to be part of a couple, and jump from one relationship to the next...You're right, kinda sad actually...

[merlotmom]

Wow! You really struck a nerve with this one. I agree with ChurchPunkMom. I totally agree with what you say about marriage and protecting the sanctity of it whether times are good or bad, BUT, I also believe your friend is an emotional basket case right now and is not, no matter how confident she seems, thinking clearly. This man may be better for her, he may not, but you need to stand by her (though not condone her actions and surely be honest if she asks) nevertheless. Good luck.

[Midlife Mama]

It was painful reading your post. I've been on both sides of this situation. My first husband had an affair, and married this woman before the ink was dry on our divorce. They've been together ever since and have managed to stay married these 18 years. I don't know if they're happy, but they deserve each other.

I am in a marriage that lacks a lot, including companionship and intimacy, both emotional and physical. I have been tempted more than once to stray, and have to watch very carefully how often I chat online with a certain friend of mine. I can see the pull of that relationship when mine is suffering.

I think that often people fall into an affair when they're lonely or not getting their needs met in a marriage. Some people are addicted to the "rush" of a new relationship and bounce from one to another to another, thinking that once that infatuation feeling is over, so is the relationship.

Truly, one of the most difficult things is sticking it out through the tough times in a marriage. I certainly am no poster child for successful marriage. It's way too easy in today's society to just leave when things get tough. No one makes you feel bad about it, you just get a divorce and move on instead of working things out.

My husband has made the comment before that if he wasn't "getting any" from me, then that then gives him the right to find it somewhere else, and it would be my fault. Somehow, I was not inspired to be more interested in sex with him -- gee, imagine that! Of course, he said this when his medication wasn't working, but I honestly think many men believe this, that not "getting any" from their wives justifies an affair.

On the other hand, I believe that women (and men) should be able to get out of a marriage that is damaging, bad, abusive, makes you miserable and has no chance of succeeding, etc.

This is a tough subject with strong feelings on both sides. There are arguments for staying no matter what, and there are arguments for being apart. It's hard to know how to be a friend to someone going through this.

[Life with Kaishon]

I was really surprised when I got married a year and 7 months ago how difficult it was. I was really imagining a blissful union. And there defitely is bliss. BUT tons of work too.

I have had friends cheat and it has been sad to watch. It is sad for the families. It is sad for so many reasons.

I can't understand it. I pray it will never happen to my husband and I. The one thing I do is try to be very careful about how close I get to members of the opposite sex. I can see the draw of having close male friends because flirting is SO fun, but I think it is dangerous so I am super vigilant.

I prayed for your friend today. I hope she will be spared from sorrow.

[Helena]

I feel very sorry for people who are so afraid of their own company, to sit alone and listen to their own thoughts. At the end of the day, if you don't like your own company how can you expect someone else to like it?

[emmysuh]

I'm only 21, and not involved with anyone, much less married, but this situations still bothers me.

Oh wait. I just realized I should send this to you privately. Whoops. :)

[Joanie]

I know exactly what you mean. My best friend is "the other woman" in a relationship with a married man. They started out acquaintances, friendship grew, one thing led to another, now she's madly in love with someone else's husband.

On top of all that, she has a "fiance". I use quotes because he's the worst possible person for her to be involved with. He's a drunk and he is doing everything he can to alienate her from her friends and family. I rarely see my friend any more and she often doesn't return my calls. But when things get bad, she calls me for comfort and advice.

The weirdest thing in all of this is, when I caught my husband cheating, it was my friend who helped me though his leaving me for a much younger woman and through my divorce. This was several years before the drama that has become her life started.

She knows how much I disapprove of her "relationships" which is probably why I rarely see her. She always wants to be available in case the married guy has a little time to sneak away, and the drunk monopolizes all her time. I dread what will happen if the drunk finds out about the married one. (shudder!!)

[Kara-Noel]

My husband and I don't have opposite sex friends... REALLY! If my best friend's husband needed a ride home I wouldn't give it to him. Extreme... yes! Our marriage is too valuable and just as everyone can see in your friend's case. Affairs don't start with a make-out session... they start with friendly conversations and “harmless” witty emails. I remember after we got married we told our friends our extreme out there rules (“Please CC my hubby if your husband needs to email me.”). They thought we were nuts… as time passes more of them are adopting our “rules.”