I'm All About Balance

Wow, I've got a lot of whores reading this blog.  The comments on yesterday's post were hilarious!  How funny is it that people were begging to be considered a whore?  And trying to prove to me they are whorish enough to get into my whore club?  And telling me they could improve on their whoring abilities if I'd just give them a little time?  And asking if I could make whore blog badges for them to display on their own blogs?

You make me laugh my ass off!

I was embarrassed to see I had several first time visitors stop by yesterday.  I'm sure I successfully scared them away.  Imagine stopping by for a first time visit and seeing my contest to join a Whore Club.  I'd like to add, I find it hilarious that some of you would like to name the Whore Club Twenty Four's Twats.

Ha!  You're a creative group!

I had some law enforcement folks visit yesterday too.  I'm not even kidding.  Once they realized I'm not running the future Mustang Ranch they moved right along.

Sometimes I forget I'm not writing just to my best friends when I sit down to pen Twenty Four at Heart.  Other people with rules and agendas and strong opinions wander through here too. My apologies to all of them.  I'm an offensive human being and I openly admit it.

Also?  It's kind of creepy because there are automated robots out there in cyberspace. They secretly roam the web and find stuff for people and/or companies.  I don't really understand how they work, but there's no doubt that they're creepy and supernatural. 

I'll have an announcement on the contest winner tomorrow.

Yesterday I ate a Balance Bar for lunch.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with them, they're protein bars stuffed full of vitamins and other (gag!) healthy stuff.  I'm sure you're wondering why I ate a balance bar for lunch, aren't you?  

Because what I ate for lunch is fascinating, isn't it?

And no, this is not a paid product endorsement.

It has something to do with bathing suits, St. Lucia, bathing suits, and the fact I haven't tried to lose one ounce of my precious body fat in preparation yet.

And yes, my body fat is precious.  Someone has to appreciate it and if I don't, who will?

As an aside, let's place bets on how many days it will be until I hear from the Balance Bar people, shall we?  Since I know they'll be stopping by I'll just say this right now.  If they'd like to give me a lifetime supply of Balance Bars for free (those suckers add up!) I'll go on a diet and document right here on 24 how those yummy (bleh!) bars helped me look 24 again.

A lifetime supply probably consists of TWO.  I think it might be possible to force down two in a lifetime.  Like all protein bars, they taste like ass.

In any case, as I was choking down delighting in my peanut butter flavored bar lunch I contemplated the wrapper.  I realized my life, really, is all about balance.  I should be a role model or something because I'm all about moderation.

Let me give you a few examples.

If I have a cup of very hot coffee in the morning with a whole box of few Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies for breakfast it balances out very nicely with a protein bar for lunch.

If I have one or two or five margaritas I make sure to eat a full plate of nachos with them to absorb the alcohol.  Balance! 

If I don't exercise for four six twelve months it's absolutely no problem.  Why?  Because I can then exercise three times a day every single day for a month before I go to St. Lucia and make up for it.  That works, right?  

If most women have one sex toy, I *hypothetically* might have been gifted a full collection.  For the sake of balance, of course.  (I wouldn't want to wear out any one toy too quickly!)

If other people slowly tan in tanning booths beginning with 3 minutes a session, I find a way to burn my cooter to a crisp with a 10 minute exposure on my first visit.  Why waste visits after all?  Less visits means more time for balance in my life.

Do you have balance in your life?  Do you practice the art of moderation?  And most importantly, can you say crispy cooter ten times real fast?

© Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[Alan]

I find your balance theory to be fascinating! Like last night...I was going to a movie with a friend and we stpped off at a sushi bar. I had a glass of water, a salad (good) & a sushi roll...that was fried. Oh..and a martini. Then at the movie I had a bag of buttered...no...slathered popcorn & a soda (small, yet still somewhat large). And after the movie we stopped off at Hooters and had a couple of beers & endless wings because they had an "all-you-can-eat" wings night. Is this bad? Of course not! Because I DID start off with a salad & water, after all. Right?

LOL

(ugh...)

[Jan]

The only balance in my life is the buffet platter full of fudge brownies you could balance on my ass as I stand in the kitchen cooking.

*sigh*

[EricaB/CrazyMomma]

No balance whatsoever. I am an addict. Not of any one thing in particular just whatever happens to feel nice at the time...sex, poker, internet, FOOD...I just seem to have a hard time becoming addicted to things that are good for me like exercise, natural foods, water...

I guess it all balances itself out in the end :)

[Lori]

I came back here last night and read the comments from yesterdays post and they were too funny. I had thought of something to add in the comments, while on my way to work but totally forgot what it was last night. Anyways, you had no idea there were so many of us whores just waiting to be part of a club?!

As far as balance goes, I try to be, but it's a battle due to the fact that I have an addictive personality. It is hard for me to practice moderation when it goes against my natural bent.

[Erica]

Law enforcement showed up? That's awful. Is anyone in your family beginning to lean on you to shut down your blog?

[Kari-Mel]

OMG I love coming here first thing in the morning with my coffee for my wake up laughs!

I can just picture you looking at the "fuzz" trying to explain why you're rounding up so many whores and why you're bringing them inTO California instead of sending some of those fine California whores elsewhere!

I can tell you a sure fire way to lose 15 pounds in 4 weeks. Get cancer! I can't seem to keep from losing weight - even though I eat. Between the stress and the complete lack of an appetite, weight is going bye bye! I'm dropped 2 sizes already

[Lo]

yeah.... margaritas and nachos? my kinda balance. i practice this weekly. also? i haven't excercised in seriously, like, three years. but i'm going on a crunch diet for a month, bc i'm goin' to florida. damn. we're both in the same pickle. stupid bathing suits.

[Kelly]

Read the comments from yesterday - LMAO!! You crack me up. Can you imagine the pr guys from balance bars reading that you think they taste like ass? heeheeheeheehee!

[Lo]

uh, yeah, EXERCISED and i promise i can spell and no, i am not on my fourth margarita. wish i were.

[Elixa]

Are you really serious about the whole Mustang Ranch thing???
Law enforcement!!!! No way!
That is freaking hilarious. Or maybe not.

Okay if something like that happend to me I wouldn't find It "Funny" at all.

[Deb]

Balance. what's balance? Doesn't everyone eat a whole box of gs cookies for breakfast? Those cookies are damn small.

[sometimessophia]

"All things in moderation, including moderation." - Mark Twain

You do attract a following, don't you, Madame? You better watch that crispy cooter tongue of yours, or the boys in blue will come callin' again. Or maybe they'll just come... ;)

[shaunna]

balance? uh, no. (but) i once lost a great deal of weight and my lunch every day was a yogurt/peanut butter balance bar.

(stave off hunger w/cafe lattes, non-fat milk, only 90 calories... and no alcohol. empty calories.)

it stands to reason the policica would show up. they surf w/autobots for certain vernacular, and that post was bound to catch their attention. hopefully it gave them a good laugh.

[Kristan]

Hmm, my life is horribly skewed in comparison to yours. :P

[LPC]

Let us all take a moment of silence to appreciate our body fat...

[Stepping Thru]

I am sitting here reading this and appreciating my fat while consuming some delicious Trail Mix. Sounds healthy but just about 20 minutes ago I age a cheeseburger with fried onions - yummy! I give up!

[Pseudo]

Balance is a sureal goal. But I try.

[Amy]

crispy cooter, crispy cooter, crispy cooter, crispy cooter, cripsycooture, ckripsycuter .... Nope, can't do it!

[Joanne]

yes ,I practice balance.
A twinkie in one hand and a bag of chips in the other

[kati]

wine, food, sex ... i try to balance it all.

[Deidre]

Ahh yes...Yoga followed by yogurt for breakfast and a cadbury egg...namaste

[Fragrant Liar]

When I tried to say crispy cooter ten times fast, it came out, crispy cooter, cripicootrs, cripicticooticker, crpciptcootcpks. Then I quit. You're trying to make a fool of me, aren't you?

What kind of balance is that?

Whore.

[Rosie]

Hey, I just recently found your blog. Love it...Love it...Love it!

Can I be in the Whore Club??? You can call me the Missouri Whore. Don't tell my kids..or my husband.

I like your kind of humor and I also feel your pain. We can be twins because mine is also my right arm (and shoulder.) Maybe start a club of WHORES IN PAIN!