The Day I Lost My Clitoris

The strangest thing happened last week.  I lost my clitoris.  

No, really I did.  

It went missing and I was in full blown panic trying to find where it went.

I suppose I should start at the beginning?

Briefcase was being all ....  Well, you know, one day.  

Obvious about his intentions, I guess you could say.  

He was giving me the *wink* when he looked at me and grabbing my ass when I walked by and making suggestive comments that men think are sexy.  (Which, by the way, AREN'T!)

Why don't men understand what's sexy to them is not sexy to women?  Pumping their fist up and down making jerk-off motions with a goofy grin on their face does not turn us on.

Nonetheless, I tried to mentally gear up for a romp.  

Nothing.  

I just couldn't get in the mood.  Something is very, very, wrong when I'm not in the mood.

Later that evening, Briefcase and I were doing the horizontal when I interrupted The Main Event to say, "I think I've lost my clitoris!"

"What the hell?" he asked.

(I really didn't think anything I do or say could possibly surprise him after all these years, but I guess I was wrong.)

"My clit has gone missing," I announced emphatically.

He promptly went looking for it.

No clit.  It was gone.  MIA.  Disappeared!  Poof!

I decided to roll over and go to sleep.  I mean, what's the point of sex without a clitoris?

Well, Briefcase didn't think that was a good idea, at all.

"You need to find your clitoris," he announced, "And I really think you should find it now!"

"Did you check my vagina," I asked?  "Maybe it went in there to hide."

"I checked," Briefcase answered sounding hurt.  "Did you not even notice?  It's not there."

I spent the next two hours searching the house and I couldn't find it.  I looked under the mattress, behind my pillow, in the button drawer, out in the garage and even in the refrigerator.  (Which, by the way, would be so brrrrrrrrrrr!)

No clit.

Finally, much to Briefcase's chagrin, I fell asleep without it.

The next day I started to panic.  My clitoris had not returned on its own overnight.  I went searching in the sex toy drawer, but my clit was not there.  I thought I would just get near the sex toys and it would come running back, but no such luck.

My heart began racing.  What would happen if my clit never returned?

I called one of my good friends, Diane, to ask if she'd seen it.

"I most certainly have never seen your clitoris," she replied.  Then she paused and added, "Maybe it met up with mine.  Mine has been missing for the last five years."

"Five YEARS?!" I screeched.

"Menopause," she acknowledged sadly.

My mind raced.  I'm too young for menopause.  I mean, aren't I?  There are always aberrations though.  What if my clitoris went missing for the next five years?  Or maybe even for forever?  I was becoming increasingly agitated at the thought.

I called Briefcase at work.  He was in a meeting, but I told his secretary it was very urgent. Briefcase picked up the phone a minute later.

"Diane's clitoris has been missing for FIVE YEARS!" I announced upon hearing his voice. 

"What did you just say?" he asked even though I knew he had heard me perfectly well.

"Diane lost her clit FIVE YEARS AGO!" I said increasingly alarmed.

"Oh my God, poor Jeff!" said Briefcase sounding distraught.

"Jeff?  JEFF?  You're worried about Jeff when Diane doesn't have a clitoris?" I asked.

"Twenty Four I'm in a meeting with my CEO right now, we will have to talk about Diane's clitoris later," Briefcase said and then he promptly hung up on me.

(Do you find it at all odd that we were planning to have a discussion about Diane's missing clitoris when Briefcase got home from work?)

Also, there was a disaster of a Clitoris Crisis going on and he hung up on me?  What the hell?  Where are the man's priorities?

I spent the remainder of the day anxious about my missing clitoris.  I looked everywhere for it, but alas, my clit was nowhere to be found.  Eventually, later that night, I fell into a deep but restless sleep.  I dreamed of sex.  Wild, hot, intense sex.  I woke up to find Briefcase touching me and wonders of all wonders ... my clit had returned sometime while I slept.

And that's my ** Happy Ending **

© Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[mama llama]

Oh that is LOVELY! I have lost mine, too. PMS therapy has taken my sex drive completely away...not that I've had any in three years, anyway.

And that is NO foolin'.

Be well, 24.

[Yvette (Lo's Mom)]

Snorted my morning Diet Pepsi!

THIS is why I can't have a blog of my own...too dangerous.

[sometimessophia]

This post is so great... I was laughing and nodding my head in agreement. I think I had one of those clit-gone-missing moments back in 1999. It must have been a retirement party or something... Can't say that it ever started working fulltime again after that. Poor Diane... Five years? Honey, you ain't seen nothing yet. ;)

[Linda]

Mines been missing for more years than I care to say out loud. Almost twice as long as Diane's. I miss it very much.

[Fragrant Liar]

Honey, she was probably stressed out and needed to go off by herself and meditate. My clit goes down under when she's been doing drugs, especially SSRI's. But it looks like she got some much needed rest and she's back to her old self again. I'm so glad she didn't leave you for five years. That just makes me sad. Poor Diane.

[Kristan]

LOL oh goodness... Briefcase approves of this post?!

[Lo]

okay, this was entirely TMI for me at 8.44 in the morning. clits galor. WHAT am i goin to do with you???? your new name is crazy clit girl.

[Cute~Ella]

I <3 you! So glad you found it. I bet Briefcase is thrilled you did too. I bet he was trying to play an early April Fools' day joke on you and it backfired.

[Elaine at Lipstickdaily]

Thanks for the good laugh!

[Kelly]

Your on a roll lately aren't you? OMG I think I just peed my pants! This is one of the funniest posts you've ever written. But wait ... I thought the same thing yesterday.

[Deb]

ROFLMAO!! Hilarious! Is it sad that I could identify w/this? I mean, after I brushed the tears from laughing so hard out of my eyes so I could finish reading it.

[tonya cinnamon]

lol thats awesome....:D
finding clits are a nessary high rated areas ^_^
why without them we couldnt solve world hunger or even end war .

[Jan]

Yes, well, don't expect it to be the LAST time she'll go MIA. This perimenopause apparently disgusts our clitorises (clitori?) and they take vacations often, sometimes for extended periods of time. Don't worry though - she always comes home...or she has so far, anyway.

But five YEARS? *shudder*

[Christine]

Ohhhhhhhhh 24...If I had a decent blog and actual powers in the blogosphere, you would be getting an award for this post. You deserve one.

[Heather]

My husband is hoping mine returns soon too.

[Mama Dawg]

What a way to wake me up on a Wednesday. Glad you found it again. That would suck to lose it, even for a day.

[nuckingfutsmama]

I am totally laughing my ass off right now! If only men really knew how easily the clit can wander off on its own.....maybe they'd step up their game a bit more, no?

[mariah]

I haven't lost mine yet, but it has seemed to be drugged for the past week or so. Glad you found yours

[Midlife Mama]

*sigh* Mine comes and goes, too. And the sad thing? Most of the time I don't care that it's gone. And when it does return? It doesn't work as well as it used to. Menopause sucks. Well, perimenopause does. I haven't quite hit the "meno" yet but it's lurking.

[Joan]

Yeah. What Midlife Mama said (but when it comes back, it does work just fine. Just needs a little extra "idling time").

Sigh, I'm so happy I'm not alone.

[dadshouse]

I'm still shaking my head... funny post.

[Liz C]

I'm so relieved for you! And oh yeah, I've been there.

It's particularly distressing now when the ol' gal goes missing, as I am in a new relationship and things are still *novel* and *fun*. So far she's always found her way home, though.

[LPC]

So the day I post that I read your blog this is what you say. Perfect. Love it.

[Sandra]

Mine runs off for weeks. I've tried to ground her but she sneaks away. Maybe she needs a bell on her so I can keep track of her better???

[wunderwoman]

Mine is gone, and I don't care...

Some days I just have to sit and wunder about you 24...

[Kate]

You checked in the BUTTON DRAWER! ROFL!! OMG!

[Elixa]

BWAHAAHAAHAA heeheehee!!!!

[Mad Woman]

I think we need to strip you of your California Whore title. No self respecting (haHA!) CW would ever lose her clitoris. And to think you couldn't even find it in the button drawer!

[Jason]

Phew! This was really beginning to stress me out!

Congratulations on your persistence. God has rewarded you.

[Zandor]

I really liked reading this one. It was a great post. Lol.

[Amy]

LOL!!!!!!! hahahahaha heeheeheeheehee! too, too funny 24! You crack me up!

[Pseudo]

24, you are too too funny. Briefcase is so happy today that he does not read your blog.

Have you read Twilight? As badly written and cliche as it is, it gets the clitoris out and reading over your shoulder. Except she might get a crush on Edward.

[Deidre]

And you claim to have boundary issues when it comes to your blog!?

I am so glad The Clit returned. imagine reporting that to the police. "No Officer, you're not listening to me...someone has kidnapped my clit. It.Is.Not.There."

[Elisa]

Aw, I'm so glad there was a happy ending! Losing your Clit for good would make for a very sad, depressing story.

[viagra online]

It really is an unusual story, I always enjoy reading your posts.