An Inappropriate Post About a Man and His Drill

As some of you may remember, I've been working on my house off and on for quite awhile.  After wasting a few years on post-car accident surgeries and misery, I've been trying to get my life back in order.

Quite awhile ago I ordered a plasma stand to hold our TV.  We already had a funky piece of crap stand, but it really needed to be relocated to the local dump.  I was warned when I ordered the new one that it would take a few months to arrive.

It did.

Two weeks ago it was finally delivered.  The night it arrived I asked Briefcase to please put the TV onto the new table/stand.  (Since I'm sort of one-armed and TVs are heavy.)  He looked at the new stand and said, "There are no holes for the wires to go through," and then he sat on the couch to watch ESPN do some very hard work.

The new TV stand has been sitting around with nothing on it for two weeks.  Briefcase is, um, not handy ... to put it as politely as I can.  

I was going to call a handyman to come help me, but the store where I bought the stand said they could send someone out at no charge.

This week I got this message on my home answering machine:

Twenty Four, this is XXXX from XXXX.  James can come out to your house tomorrow afternoon to drill your holes.  <pause>  <giggle>  Oops, I don't think that sounded quite right.

My son, PR, and I?  We laughed till we cried when we heard the message. 

At 2:00 the next day James showed up.  While waiting for him to arrive I procrastinated doing chores by Tweeting:

I've got a man coming to drill my holes any minute now.

Those ladies on Twitter?  They are horny bitches.  If you're a man and in need of some action, I can't recommend Twitter highly enough.  You should especially follow the hos chicks who follow me.

I started getting all sorts of offers from women on Twitter for James before he'd even arrived.  I thwarted their efforts to steal James away to have their holes drilled.  Jeez, they were even offering to pay money for him!

Then the doorbell rang.  By that time, my mind was completely in the gutter.  I couldn't help myself, I immediately checked out his drill.  James had a big drill.

I showed James to my living room so he could drill my holes.  

James looked confused.  James looked deep in thought.  There are times when a woman wants a thinker, but it's never when she's waiting to have her holes drilled.

I sent out a quick tweet:

OK, this is no good. He's confused over what should go in which hole. FAIL.

Shortly after, James started making a lot of noise and I updated Twitter with this information:

Jeez ... he's got a huuuuuuuuuge drill!

James worked fast once he got the hang of it.  Too fast, really.  It's always nice to have a man who takes his time.  It wasn't long at all until James was thanking me (for the opportunity to drill my holes?) and on his way.

I updated all the ladies who were anxiously waiting for news on James with this:

The man with the big drill just left. He was a disappointment.

The whores on Twitter were not surprised.  I got all sorts of comments back saying, "it figures," and "typical."

Apparently, the bigger the drill . . . oftentimes, the bigger the disappointment.

At that point I went back and reread my Twitter stream.  I decided I needed to start being more productive for the day so I sent out my final tweet on the subject:

I'm all sorts of inappropriate today.  How unusual.

Who me?

©  Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[Jan]

You? Inappropriate?

Never!

Men with Big Drills are way over-rated. I'm so glad Beloved doesn't have one.

Did I say that in my out-loud voice?

[sometimessophia]

Whew. When I read the post's title, I was afraid you would be telling us about your dentist. This is much more amusing.

Inappropriate? Never! It just might convince me to become a Twitter whore.

[Annette]

It's nice to know there are men, willing and able, to meet a woman's drilling needs....

[Kelly]

BWAHAHA! Thanks for the smiles to start my day. Only you 24, only you!

[Beth Christians]

OMG....You never fail to give me a morning laugh!! I "really" have to tweet more!

[Pseudo]

But we all have the fantasy of the handyman with the tool belt, no shirt, and teh uncanny ability of knowing how to use the drill. I choose not to believe your version 24...

[Linda]

Ha! ya. I was one of those horny bitches that Tweeted back at you to give James my number (and to make sure you were fully clothed!)

[nicki]

OMG what a wonderful story! I was wondering what the tweets were about...

[Dutch Donut Girl]

I just peed my pants. Thank you very much!

And it's a shame when a man can't use his drill.

[Sammanthia]

The title alone was worth waiting for. The post itself? Brilliant.

[Elaine at Lipstickdaily]

Oh yeah . . . a big drill is worth the money. And if they don't have the skill, they can be taught.

[Maureen at IslandRoar]

See, it's true; you can't judge a man by the size of his...drill.
Very funny. Thanks!

[stoneskin]

Those whores on Twitter, they're everywhere...

Funny, funny stuff. That answerphone message is classic - make sure you keep it, record it onto something else if it is not too late!

[QueenOChaos]

Love the story AND to hear that James read this is even funnier!

[Julie @ Angry Julie Monday]

LMAO. That's hilarious...and silly girl you should have asked me...Umm Angry Husband is a custom home theater installer with lots of tools. I/We could have helped you...

[Deidre]

Oh my! Hilarity is all yours! Very funny.

On tuesday, in class, my lecturer went on and on about size. "size does matter," he said, "the smaller it is the more flexible it is which you know, can be a good thing" it took everything in my power not to stand up in the lecture theatre and shout "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID"...we were talking about the economy. OBVIOUSLY.

[Deb]

LMAO! Think I just snorted my coke all over my computer screen. Every man should know how to make his drill work to a woman's advantage.

[Fragrant Liar]

You got your holes drilled and he just rolled over and left? That was kind of a one-night-TV-stand, wasn't it? Did you at least get kissed first?

[Alan]

Damn those Twitter whores! Where do THEY get off...mmmm....nevermind.

Just an FYI...I don't get my drill out much anymore. Scared I might hurt someone. But that poor guy you keep slamming on? He uses his for a career. And you just outed him. NOW what is he gonna do???

[Mike]

I would have been happy to bring my drill over to help you out. If only you'd asked.

[kelly]

who wouldn't love a man with a big drill!

[San Diego Momma]

How many holes do you have, Twenty Four?

Just asking.

I'm not a whore or anything.

[Zandor]

This is my favorite thing I have read today. I'm sitting with dispatchers and had to try to not lol. I would feel kind of odd explaining this to the people at the police department I intern at.

[BeautifulWreck]

OMG! This is hilarious. Just got the time to read it and I am LMAO.