Save Me From What? It's a Contest!

I wonder how many people I will offend today.  I'm guessing at least a few hundred.

--------------------

Before I start offending people, I'd like to go public with a couple things.  First of all, I'm hopelessly behind on email right now and if you are waiting to hear from me, I apologize.  Second, thank all of you so much for your responses and concern about Mocha.  I couldn't believe the outpouring of love for our lab.  I have the kindest readers in the world.  Third, I will be available for meet and greets on a few occasions this summer.  Right now I know the following dates:

July 23 - 27  Chicago (BlogHer convention)

August 21 - 22 Charlotte, NC

**  More dates and cities to follow  **

If you live near where I will be, when I will be there, I'd love to meet you in person.  Just send me an email letting me know you're interested and I'll get details out to you.  I'll republish the dates periodically as they grow closer.

--------------------

Okay, now I'll carry on offending people.

For quite some time I've been getting emails from a very Right Wing Organization (RWO) based out of Texas.  I don't know how they found me, but my guess is they were wandering the Internet searching for sinners.  They found me, and I openly admit to being a sinner so, fair enough.  

At first, I'd get about one email a month telling me in quite forceful terms they could save me.  Lately, they've upped the email frequency to daily.

Initially, the emails amused me.  Lately, they've become downright annoying.

I realize by writing on the Internet I put myself out there for criticism and judgment.  

Fine.  

But!  

And it's a big but.

(Not as big as my butt maybe, but a big but nonetheless!)

I write Twenty Four At Heart because it entertains me to do so.  Hopefully most of you come here to read because it entertains you also.

Some of you may even feel you've come to "know" me by reading 24.  And it's true, you do get a glimpse of me here in my writing.  You see the parts of me, or my life, I choose to reveal in the fashion I choose to reveal them.

Yesterday I had lunch with one of my readers.  She lives in Money Town, heard about 24 and began reading on a daily basis.  After awhile she began exchanging emails with me.  We realized we have some mutual friends.  We now get together on a fairly regular basis for coffee or lunch.  

At lunch, she commented on how quiet I am and how "normal" and calm I am.  I suppose my writing gives the impression I might show up topless if you invite me to meet you for lunch.  I want to go on record as saying, I have never once shown up topless in public.

Not intentionally, anyway.

(Well, not counting the tanning salon, but that wasn't my fault.)

I'm such a disappointment.

The point I'm making is there is an awful lot about me that isn't anywhere to be found in cyberspace.

So when I get an email from RWO adamant about "saving" me day after day it begins to really annoy me.

How do they know I'm not saved?

Do they know anything whatsoever about my religious beliefs?

What are they trying to save me from?

Are they trying to save me from the chronic pain I live with?

Are they trying to save me from Roid or The Torturer?

Are they trying to save my boobs from getting cut off by a plastic surgeon?

Are they trying to save me from mooning the train?

Are they trying to save me from my leaking dog?  (By the way, the vet believes she has a kidney stone but she has stopped leaking!)

Maybe they're trying to save me from checking out the repairman's drill?

Maybe they're trying to save my clit, which I lost temporarily last March?

Maybe they think it's wrong for me to have a cuter cooter?

Do they really know anything about me?  Did I ask for their help? 

The answer is no, no, no!  And oh, how I hate judgmental people.

That being said, I'm asking for your help.  I know a lot of you are real smart asses, right?  Give me ideas for some funny or rude replies I can send to RWO next time I hear from them.  One idea per comment.  I will pick the funniest or rudest reply (yes, it's subjective) and the one winner will get:

This cool Starbucks Orange County coffee mug AND a $20 gift card to Starbucks.  I have one of these coffee mugs and I use it every morning.  It's big, it feels great in my hand and it has become my very favorite!  The mug has a cool surfing dude on the front.  The back of the mug looks like this:

The contest ends this Sunday evening, May 31st, at 8 p.m., Pacific Time.  One entry per comment.  The winner will be announced on Monday.  

Have fun!

© Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[Joanne]

I dotn have any snappy comebacks this early, but I sure wish you would "out" them for us. Then we could pick on them personally for you

[Deb]

Flash 'em a tit!

[Deb]

Put their email out on twitter for everyone to flash 'em a tit!

[Deb]

Send them an email telling them you have asked your church to pray for them.

[Jan]

Dear Right Wing Organization:

While I sincerely appreciate your repeated efforts on my behalf, I do believe your time might be better spent somewhere else.

I do not need saving. In fact, if I may be so bold as to return the favor and offer up some advice to YOU, I do believe it would be in your own best interest to find a way to save yourselves.

The Twenty Four Whore Corp is widespread, you know. And invasive.

All My Best,

Satan's Handmaiden

[Linda]

Ever since your Tweet about being a disappointment in RL I've been thinking about that. We don’t really know each other. We know the blogger. We all have a bit of an alter personality that shows up in our blogs. Maybe it's because we are alone with our thoughts when we blog so what we're thinking/feeling goes onto the page unfiltered. Stuff we wish we could say/do IRL but manners (or in my case medication) have taught us to squash.
As for the RWO, I think the best thing to do is ignore/block them. I know, it’s not as fun as putting their email address on a bunch of porno site mailing lists but it’s non of their beeswax whether your saved or not.

Oh and Jan? Satan's Handmaiden? Bwahahahaha! Good one!

[Kelly]

I can't think of anything witty but I want that mug! I'll be back w/more comments.

[Danielle]

Um....well hell, I got nothing. I'll be back.

[LPC]

Dear RWO,

I am in receipt of your message. I understand that you would like to save my soul. At the moment, my soul is firmly entrenched in my body. So to save it, you will have to save my body first.

Good luck. Know any good boob surgeons? Have an extra arm lying around in your right wing mailhouse?

Yours,

24 and counting

[Kelly]

Dear RWO,

I am beyond saving.

Thank you for your time anyway.

24

[Julia Ferguson Andriessen]

Seriously the Bushes need to get a life. I can't believe they are wasting their time and yours harassing you like this!

Please simply tell them this...

Jesus saves, Buddha recycles.

I suppose the truth is you are probably on some auto email list that ups the anti as time goes on... I would seriously put them on an autoresponder email with a nasty FO in the body and let it go.

If for no other reason than these' sob's don't deserve access to your head and aren't adding anything positive to your life.

If they were a mosquito...you would squish em! I say SQUISH EM! Block em, move on and get back to writing about other more interesting things... :]

It's all about your peace and sanity baby! They aren't worth your used TP.

Hugs,

[Only Aman]

Dear RWO,
I have taken your emails into consideration and because of your persistence i have come to the realization that i am a sinner. I have read all about God, and Jesus and the profits and salvation ALL thanks to you! Your super hero using Jesus for your propaganda company!

I especially liked the part of the bible in Matthew 22:36-40 (New International Version), when the Pharisees asked:

36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Now I know that I must go out and ANNOY EVERYONE I KNOW that they are not saved and they should be saved even if they might be saved, or are saved - I SHOULD SAVE THEM AGAIN! and if i ANNOY them how I want to be ANNOYED and it's out of love and if I lie to myself to prove it, and I believe the lie that my LOVE is real- then I can annoy them with emails or throwing bibles at them or whatever I feel like doing - so long as it is out of love, and I would want to do it myself.

Thank you RWO! Your persistance is so loving and i truly appreciate the sincerity of your emails.

However i am truly secure in my beliefs and wish you to stop emailing me.

Thank you,
24atheart

[Jane]

I would hit them back with fake "away" messages every time they sent me something. Perhaps something like this.

Dear Sender:
24 has gone on a mission to single-handedly save the orphans of Costa Rica. She has sold her home and emptied out her life savings, forsaking all material possessions to do so. On the way, she plans to wash the feet of every poor soul she sees and heal the lepers through the miracle of faith healing. She'll do this with no regard for her own well-being or personal hygiene. What have you done for Jesus today?

[Elisa]

ok, one more reason to comment here, because
1. I like you,
2. I love that mug, and
3. I HATE when people offer to "save me", because it's patronizing and obnoxious and it pisses me off to no end. So would tell them just that.

Dear RWO,

I would like to thank you for your e-mails, but I think I will save the "thank you" for when you stop sending them to me.

Because honestly, what in a million years makes you think you can save me? Are you better? Smarter? Hmmm. That's debatable. But even if you were, what if I am beyond saving? And what if I don't want to be saved? Because if I'm correct in my assessment of what "saved" means to you, I most certainly want to remain un-saved.

I want to keep thinking with my own head, being able to judge right from wrong independently from what party is pushing it, and being able to apply whatever principle to my life I may think is wise, independently from the religion it originates from.

So as you can see, I may be a bit too much for you too handle. I think we might both be much happier if you stopped contacting me and we both got along with our day, you assuming your way is the only way and me just doing whatever makes me happy.

Shalom,

[email protected]<3

P.S. I don't have this much repressed anger, really. But I told you, being patronized makes me mad.

[Life with Kaishon]

I wish I could think of something clever to tell them. I can't : ) so don't enter me in your contest! But i will try to think of something!

[Sandra]

Dear RWO,
You think you know me
Just because I write about being nakedly
You believe I’m a whore
What I am is someone who needs to update her decore
You think I need saving
What I need is to stop aging
I trust God and Jesus Christ with my soul
I’m on their patrol
I have no energy for you
So quit sticking to me like glue
I've caught onto your act.
Go away and never come back.

Learn to ignore,
24

[tonya cinnamon]

Jesus may save but i take full withdrawal

[tonya cinnamon]

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

[tonya cinnamon]

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

^_____^
ok those are the 3 i could think of LOL

[Deb on the Rocks]

Howdy Texan!

Dang I love a big hunk of cowboy! Are you wearing your boots today?

Dang, you are such a big fan of mine! Wow with the emails--you are so seductive!!!! It took me awhile to figure out why you continue to email me, but I have finally figured out that you have a crush on me!

You are talking to me in code, aren't you? Why do you do that? Do you have a wife who might read our emails? I get it now--every time you've been saying you'll "Save Me" you mean that you'll "Bang me hard across the kitchen." You dirty cowboy!!!

I can't blame you. You read about how I had all of my coochie hair waxed off, and then went into a tanning bed where the left over wax sizzled and burned me like I was a chicken strip on a fondue fork!

And all you could think about was that when I went to the store afterwards and my red lace thong fell out of my purse and hit the floor, what if it was YOU would have been able to pick up my panties and give them back to me? You poor lovesick thong-licking puppy!!!!!

I understand that you want to "Save/Bang Me" bad. You want to "baptize me." (wink wink!) But dude, I can't accept your advances! You are married and I don't do married guys. Married chicks, maybe, but not married men.

What does your wife look like? Has she ever been waxed with the sizzling tongues of the Holy Spirit? (ahem!)

I know it is going to be hard for you to give up on ever having crazy wild sex with me, but as much as I'm flattered it just isn't going to happen! You really need to get over me and find a nice girl or guy with waxed junk in your own town to get sacred with.

I can help you move on if the temptation to contact me is just too much. If you write me again I'll just forward your email and IP address to the porn sites that might be able to help you get over your hard on for me!

No need to say thanks. Just doing what Jesus would do. Wink! Well, shoot, go ahead and thank me. You're welcome, cowboy.

Your favorite sinner,
24

p.s. Keep your hat on and ride em cowboy.

p.p.s. If you want me to talk to your wife and tell her NOTHING HAPPENED, I will! What's her number???

[Maura/MoBurns67]

Dear RWO,

I'd rather lick pigeons than follow any of your "advice" designed to save me.

See you in Hell!

24

[karen]

I say reply and say "Yeah sorry but my soul is already taken. How do you think i found my clit again?"
:D

[missy]

These comments are so entertaining. A special shout out to Deb on the Rocks - hysterical!

[Elaina]

I haven't read the comments so sorry if these repeat ideas. :)

Dear RWO,

I can only surmise that you found my blog when, late one night, in your basement, and trolling for free porn, used the search terms, "moaner, big boobs, clit" and came upon my site. And since you seem to be fixated on "saving me" I can only assume that it is in fact you who needs saving. Often, people become quite set on the "sin" of others when they themselves have habitual sins they assume to be similar. Usually those that hate others tend to have that very "sin" in their own life. The reality is...they just hate themselves for behavior they think they should change and can't seem to. It's also why people like you make the women in their church where dresses and skirts down to the floor and have every inch of their body covered in fabric. It's not because God requires it, it's because you're afraid of your own obsession with sexuality. Which, by the way, is God given (have you ever read Song of Solomon?).

While I'm flattered that you seem to care so very much about my eternal state, let me instead suggest you pick up your Bible and read it. Especially the part that says, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." Jesus said that. Look it up.

TwentyFour

[Elaina]

Dear RWO,

Thanks for your offer of salvation. I much prefer to be a "sinner" if being saved means I have to be like you.

TwentyFour

[Elaina]

Dear RWO,

Please consider searching harder for Jesus. You're nothing like him. Kinda sucks when "Christians" are the reason people don't like Jesus.

TwentyFour

[Elaina]

Dear RWO,

Thanks so much for your offer of salvation. At this time, I'm considering all offers on the table from Buddha, the Druids, the Hari Krishnas, the JW's, the Mormons, the Muslims and even the church of satan. I'll get back to you if I need more information or decide to take up your offer.

TwentyFour

[Elaina]

By the way, even though I might be judged for saying this...lol...I went to a Christian university. They wanna talk Bible talk or salvation with ya, I've got three years of Bible and theology classes to prove how twisted THEY are. I'd love to hear their arguments.

[Only Aman]

Dear RWO,
My knees are bleeding and calluses are forming. I have been praying for you ever since your first letter. Your email asking for my salvation must mean that you want to be saved. It must be a cry to help. I WANT TO HELP SAVE YOU!

To help in my salvation I have hired a crack case team of savers (or salvationers) that have decided to make a Salvation-Of-Others-Bot or S.O.B. for short. The S.O.B. will send you an email every day asking for your salvation. The S.O.B. can only be turned off when you send an email saying you are saved and that you will not send any more "cry for help emails".

This is not a threat but a sincere act of my love, as you have shown me and must want for your selves.

Thank you ROW to be saved by ME!

YOUR NAME HERE

[SSG]

Dear RWO

please call me on 1-800-STFU.

I need you to save me as much as a fish needs a bicycle.

[email protected]

(PS I was going to add some comment where you would tell them you spoke to Him and he said they could make like a hermaphrodite and **** themselves but I thought that might be taking it too far. And they may then want to save you even more. Why don't you tell them you can be saved for an upfront fee of $2000 and 12 monthly installments of $100. Or email them every day asking if you can save them? )

Oh, and loving Jan's handmaiden too.

[Mike]

How about just telling them to fuck off?

[Midlife Mama]

Dear RWO:

While he was hanging from the cross, no doubt in agonizing pain, Jesus forgave his torturers because "they know not what they do."

So, I forgive you. Because really? Who am I to think that I can do better than Jesus? If HE can forgive his torturers because they "know not what they do," then I can forgive you, because you clearly do not "know what you do." And when He said that? He was hanging from a cross and he forgave the ones to put him there. And while he was hanging there, I'm sure his shoulders hurt like hell. And this I can identify with. So, clearly, you "know not what you do," so I forgive you.

Really. No need to thank me. Besides, I already have a Torturer. I don't need another one.

Oh and btw? I will be sending you an email with a picture of my middle finger for every email you send me.

Thank you,
[email protected]

[Midlife Mama]

Dear Texas RWO,

Well, isn't that special? Thank you so much for your emails reminding me of my sinning ways. I'm sure that you are understandably concerned about my bulbous buttocks gyrating and the displaying of my chestal area. I'm sure I acted like a Jezebel and I need to be punished.

And who would do that. Hmmm. Who could punish me? Let's see, oh I don't know... maybe...SATAN????

Well you'll be happy to know I've seen the error of my ways and I am ever so sorry. Stand up with me, and do the Superiority Dance. And then you can spank me, because I've been very, very bad.

C'mon, I know you want to. I know you have tingy naughty parts.

Love,
The Church Lady aka [email protected]

[ballerinatoes]

Dear Texas RWO-

Peace, love and long naps.

XOXO,

Twenty-Four

[Kristen]

Let them know you are signing them up for penis enlargement information. Either you'll get more interested or they'll have something else to do. :)

[wunderwoman]

Dear RWO,

I do not need saved. I practice Satanism, but you are welcome to join me!

Sincerely,
TwentyFouratHeart

Ps. I want that cup! LOL

[Alan]

Awwww hell...I dunno. You got some good responses here already and I have too many coffee mugs. But I gotta tell you...you are definitely on your way to hell and we'll all be meeting you there someday. I gotta tell ya...I'm a big fan of your boobs and cooter and all the other daring things you write about! So tell em to go get a sense of humor and bite the big weenie.

Ummm...please tell me I didn't just write that I am a fan of your boobs and cooter? Damn...

Don't tell my wife...okay?

[Karen]

Dear RWO,

Thank you for your many emails. After careful consideration I have decided to let you save me. But, you have to agree to the following conditions:

You have to join the 24's Whore Club.

Hold my pants for me while I moon the train.

And you have to promise to help me look for my clitoris if I should ever misplace it in the future.

Deal?

With Love,

24

[Amanda Dill]

Dear RWO,

While I appreciate your efforts, I regret to inform you that I do my saving at WalMart and Costco, like a normal American citizen. I suggest you do the same.

All my best,

24

(hehe)

[Kate]

To Whom It May Concern,

I will agree to be saved as long as you:

1. Join the 24 Whore Club
2. Make me keep my top on around people
3. Pick up my thong for me whenever I drop it
4. Agree to take over all my appointments with the torturer (but not with Roid cuz he's really hot!)

[TentCamper]

Dear RWO –

I was going to write you a long letter explaining how your continual letters to me have been more than a burden to me…how your personal harassment of me has not only turned me 100% against what you are preaching but has also proven that you are blindly trying to ‘save’ (attack) me without knowing anything about me. But I am not going to do that…You must already know that.

What I will do is make it very clear to you that I do not want to hear from you or anyone else in your organization ever again...AND that I have documented and compiled copies of all of your unsolicited correspondence and am going to bring it to the courthouse as evidence for my restraining order against you.

I could give you quotes from Mark, Matthew and Luke about not judging people and that there is only one judge…and I am certain that it is not you.

So basically…piss off, kiss my ass and take me off your fucking list!

You do realize that it would be easy (and fun) to start up a blog (as RWO) and talk about all of the molestation, drugs, polygamy and underage sex that goes on.

I think you get my point!

Much Love,

24

[Midlife Mama]

@Karen's comment above: "Moon the train." OMG that is SO Santa Barbara. LOL

[Jason]

The sheer brilliance of your readers astounds me. How could I possibly compete?

Luckily, these Texans haven't gotten ahold of me yet. Unless you go to thejasonshwo.blogspot.com

[Kate]

Send them pictures of vibrators and naked titties.
Kate

[Beautiful Wreck]

Here is mine:

You can't save me for I am already saved by grace and by faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. My relationship with him is personal, even if severely lacking or none at all. He loves me just as I am. Naked, mooning people, and talking trash about folks in Money Town. It's all good with Jesus. So leave me the fuck alone or I will out you on my blog, so that your email box can become full of email from my fans. And trust me there are hundreds if not thousands of fans.

[Fragrant Liar]

Dang it! I've been away most of the weekend, so I missed this lovely rant from my favorite California whore (take that, RWO, and don't waste your time on me either). Alas I have missed the contest too. I will still think on it though and try to get you a smart ass remark to send to those sumbitches. Don't ever change, 24!

[Fragrant Liar]

Or send them your cup and the $20 gift certificate to Starbucks. Tell them: Because of your many, many entries, you've won! As a bonus, we're going to have you as our special guest at the upcoming Democratic fundraiser in San Francisco, Rainbow Club, featuring Nancy Pelosi and the Clintons. All we need to confirm your winning entry, is one more email. Just one more, and you too can be a Democrat.