A Bachelor Party Gone Too Far?

I have an interesting story to share with you today and I'm curious as to what your opinion will be.  It's sort of like the recent hit movie The Hangover, except completely different.  I'm also wondering if my male and female readers will vary a lot in how they look at this situation.

This story is absolutely true.  It's also very sensitive so I'm changing the names of everyone involved along with a few inconsequential details.

I have a friendly acquaintance with a woman named Tanya.  Tanya was very excited to become engaged to her long time boyfriend, Dave, about six weeks ago.  Tanya and Dave are about 30 years old and this will be a first marriage for both of them.

Dave has a friend named Mike.  Mike got married three weeks ago to Dawn.  The two couples hang out together a lot.  They're at similar life stages.

Are you following this?  Tanya and Dave just got engaged and Mike and Dawn just got married.

About a week ago Tanya used Dave's digital camera with Dave's permission.  As she was reviewing the photos she took she found some very explicit photos Dave had taken at Mike's bachelor party.  Strippers had been hired and from what Tanya saw things had gone too far.  She was pissed.  

Tanya confronted Dave and demanded he tell her "everything" that happened at Mike's bachelor party.  Dave did.  Dave even told her the part where he went looking for Mike, opened a bedroom door and found Mike having sex with one of the women hired as a stripper.  A few nights prior to his marriage Mike had sex with a whore stripper at his bachelor's party. 

Tanya was disgusted and dismayed by this information.  She and Dave discussed it at length because she felt it was her duty to inform the unsuspecting Dawn of Mike's indiscretion.  Dave was adamant that Tanya stay quiet and not disrupt the three week old marriage of his friend Mike.

By the way, Tanya and Dawn are friends but the primary friendship had always been between the two men.

About a week ago the two couples went out to dinner and a movie as a double date.  During the course of the evening, Tanya found herself talking to Dawn as the two men were immersed in a discussion of sports.  Tanya told Dawn her brand new husband of three weeks had paid a whore stripper to have sex at his bachelor's party.

Dawn waited to confront Mike until later that night when they got home.  Mike lied to Dawn and told her he most definitely had not touched another woman since they began dating.  Mike convinced Dawn that Dave and Tanya have set out to destroy their marriage for some unknown reason.  

Dawn believes her new husband.  

Dawn now hates Tanya for telling lies and trying to destroy her marriage.  Mike now hates Dave for telling Tanya what happened and "causing" all these problems.  The two couples are no longer speaking.

Dave is angry with Tanya for telling Dawn the details of the bachelor's party.  He had forbidden her from sharing the information with Dawn when he disclosed it.

What do you think of this little soap opera?  Who's right and who's wrong?  Is it okay to have sex with a paid whore at a bachelor party since you aren't married yet?  Is it okay to lie to your betrothed about it?  Does it happen all the time at bachelor parties?  

Should Dave have told Tanya?  Should Tanya have kept her mouth shut?  Was she doing the right thing by informing her friend what had happened?  Would you want a friend to tell you if your wife/husband had sex with someone else just days before your wedding.  (Men - reverse the situation - what if a male stripper came to your wife's bachelorette party and she paid him for "one last fling?")

I can't wait to hear everyone's thoughts!

© Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[Michelle]

Lots of thoughts on this one.

* I don't think it should have happened in the first place
* I don't think Dave should have told Tanya about the bedroom scene
* I can understand Tanya wanting to tell Dawn, but don't think the relationship with Dawn was there to be telling her something so intimate, she now looks like she was wanting to cause problems with Mike and Dawn.
* Dawn will now look at any situation with Mike (even as simple as watching girls on the beach) and wonder if she can trust him
* Tanya and Dave will now have trust issues coming into their relationship
* Mike and Dave's relationship is now damaged (irretrievably? Maybe)

This is such a hard one 24. My heart just goes out to everyone in that situation for different reasons. Especially the newly-weds.

If it were me, I would like to know I think - but not from someone who was not close to me, preferably the partner involved. It would also raise a lot of trust issues. Especially if it was 'paid sex with a whore', you do still leave a little of yourself with your partners each time. And it can take a long time to get your identity back (speaking from experience).

So, as I said, a hard one.

[stoneskin]

OK, this is a brief response, but...

What do you think of this little soap opera? Worse than Eastenders.

Who's right and who's wrong? Ultimately Mike (from the information available)

Is it okay to have sex with a paid whore at a bachelor party since you aren't married yet? No. (sure, if the betrothed knew in advance, or was planning something similar, or whatever, then that is acceptable, but I would still say no).

Is it okay to lie to your betrothed about it? No.

Does it happen all the time at bachelor parties? None that I've been to, but then I've grown up in a fairly conservative/christian neck of the woods!

[stoneskin]

Just to clarify, when I say 'acceptable' I don't mean I accept it, or agree with it, just that within their own 'understanding' it is 'acceptable'

[di]

Had I found out about this I would have kept my mouth shut about it to my girlfriend and let their new marriage take it's course. BUT, I would not have wanted to spend time with the couple anymore. Sort of a lose-lose situation.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

[Jan]

Good ol' Dave needs to download his damn pics somewhere where NO ONE can find them and then erase the memory card in his camera before he loans it to his nosy girlfriend. In the absence of that very basic common sense, he should have glossed over what "really happened" at the bachelor party - it was, after all, a bachelor party.

Was Mike wrong to have sex with this stripper-cum-prostitute at his bachelor party? Probably...you know, I'm damn near 50 and I've gotten to an age where something like that isn't going to throw me into a tizzy. If it were me, at my age now, and I found out that my new husband had gotten drunk and screwed the stripper at his bachelor party my main concern would have been did he wear a condom? It wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker (which isn't to say I wouldn't have been pissed and made sure he KNEW I was pissed...for a very long time).

As for Tanya, she should have kept her mouth shut. Why? Well, you can SEE why - it didn't accomplish what she'd intended. Generally speaking, in situations like this, minding your own damn business is usually the best course of action.

[Margie]

Oh, girl, this is a hard one. First of all, I don't think it should have happened in the first place. At the same time, I'm suspecting that there was probably a lot of alcohol involved and not that that excuses it, but makes it more understandable. I don't think Dave should have told Tanya, especially if he was the only one that knew about it. But since Dave did tell her about it, I think Tanya should have kept it to herself. As far me, I don't think I would have wanted to know about it at all. But then you also have to consider things like STD's etc. But if Mike and Dawn can get past this, their relationship may be stronger in the long run. I sure hope so.

[Joanne]

men can be so stupid. DUH! yep, I am gonna get stupid, so lets take some photos!!
This scenario has played out in so many instances, and always with the same result. At thirty, that girl should have known she was going to wind up being the bad guy . I would go as far as to say she may have done her engagement in. The newlyweds will continue, with the bride in her voluntary haze unless he screws up again, or however many times she decides to keep a bag on her head(thats a different story). I think the total of your request boils down to this. NEVER get involved in someone else's marriage!! Tanya is stupid, stupid stupid, if she ever thought she was "helping" anything

[Kelly]

Mike sounds like a scuz bag. First having sex with someone he's paying, then lying to his wife about it, then blaming his friend for his problems when he's the one who had sex with a whore. I give their marriage three years max. (And Tanya should have stayed OUT of it!)

[Maureen at IslandRoar]

Oh my God, this is such a messed up situation. I hope it doesn't happen all the time, and I do think it's Wrong. But it was a very "young" response to tell the wife; no good could come of it at that point. Unless it was an aberrant episode on his part, she will find out what he's made of in time.
Wow, what a mess...

[Linda]

No, it is not OK to have sex with someone other than your betrothed. You are committing yourself to this person, period. If you want to play the field don’t have a “steady”.

No, it’s not OK to lie about it.

If Dave didn’t want anyone to know, he should have kept his mouth shut.

Should Tanya have kept her mouth shut?
Abso-freaking-lutely!

Was she doing the right thing by informing her friend what had happened?
Honestly there was no good ending to this. Dawn would have been mad had she found out about Mike later and that Tanya new about it.

Would I tell? Been there, done that. I was vacationing at a friend’s home (friends I had known for almost 10 years) 1 year after her twins were born. After she left for work one morning her husband crawled into my bed. They guy was always a slut. He’d cheat, she’d find out, he’d buy her jewelry, she’d forgive him. I told her. She accused ME of coming on to him. That was 1990. We haven’t spoken since. They eventually divorced. She caught him in bed with another woman..

[Mike]

Wow. I'm a guy and NO this is not ok on any level. Tanya should have kept her mouth shut though. Absolutely nothing positive out of her blabbing. Headed for divorce for sure.

[jen]

first, this hits prettyclose to home as I am engaged and getting married soon. second, I would want to know, but would prefer to hear it from the guy friend, not the girlfriend. Lastly, my livid ass would be at the Orange County Courthouse, Divorce Dept, before you could bat an eye.

[Liz C]

Have to go with the group on this one. Tanya should have stayed out of it, Dave should have STFU, and from the (lack of) maturity displayed, I think all their relationships are screwed.

Tanya had no right to *demand* any information about the bachelor party, except to determine whether Dave got some of the action as well.

Gotta wonder if Dave was covering something up by throwing Mike under the bus?

[churchpunkmom]

Totally agree with stoneskin on this.

NO, it was not okay for Mike to do what he did. In the end? Dawn had a right to know what happened, by whatever means.

Would I want to be told if I was Dawn? HELL YEAH. And no, I don't really care who would have told me.

Dawn is an idiot for believing Mike. OF COURSE, he denied it. What incentive does he have to be honest?? She needs to really, honestly, ask herself - what incentive does Tanya have to 'destroy their marriage'??

Things would make a whole lot more sense for her if she'd accept the truth, even if it's incredibly painful.

[stephen]

Tanya should have never mentioned the pics, to anyone, including Dave. Sometimes in life both men and women just need to choke something down and move on. Any intelligent human being could have foreseen the set of possible consequences that would inevitably arise. Tanya couldn't be responsible for others behavior but she sure as hell caused the situation to get blown into the stratosphere. Now four people have to deal with tons of crap. If you don't like the way someone does something, just don't do that something yourself. Every human being on earth has their own little secrets. Those solitary burdens are WAY easier to deal with on a personal level than igniting an emotional firestorm with self-righteous indignation. just sayin.......

[Only Aman]

First of all... i have made some mistakes, but i knew when i got married that I wanted to get married to my wife... not have one last fling.

When i had my bachelor party, i saw no reasons for strippers, though my best man did ask a few times, i insisted. Even when i threw my best friends bachelor party we didn't go the stripper route, we went gambling instead. It was very much a guys hoorah!

I have a cousin, and he had his bachelor party, his own dad bought him a few strippers and paid 2 of them to go have sex with him.

I think it is right for someone to be truthful and given a chance to be, but if they are not, then someone should say something.

I feel bad for the people involved, obviously a different set of morals were set for them growing up as to how their marriage should be and how they should treat their wives and how they should treat their friends.

But what do i know, I am Only Aman.

[Lisa]

Obviously, Mike is the one to blame here. He's throwing Dave under the bus by telling Dawn that he and Tanya are trying to destroy their marriage. However, I do think that things that are said in confidence should stay in confidence. If I were Tanya, I would be more concerned with the fact that I betrayed my fiance rather than whether or not I'd want to repair the relationship with the other couple. I also have to wonder what manner she told Dawn in. Was she just outright, or did she prep her for the information? It sounds from the description of the conversation that the info was just kinda blurted. That could make her believe Mike when he said she was being a sabateour of their marriage, rather than believe Tanya.

[LPC]

Mouth shut. Life happy.

[NGS]

I don't know. Both Mike and Dave were idiots for acting inappropriately with strippers. In no way is that acceptable behavior. But Dave's an idiot for not getting rid of the evidence before handing his camera over to his betrothed. (It's like the Abu Ghraib thing. Yes, awful things happened there. Why take pictures of those awful things?!)

But I don't see how Tanya could have kept this to herself. I really don't. If I knew one of my best girlfriend's husbands was cheating on my girlfriend, I would feel morally obliged to tell her. It certainly would have been better if Dawn had heard about it from Mike himself, but if he's not going to tell her, her girlfriend has to. Think of Dawn's health. Who knows what STDs the stripper had? And now maybe Dawn? Tanya had to spill the beans.

And personally I'd never trust my fiance again if I were Tanya, but oftentimes people are much more forgiving than I am!!

[The Queen of Chaos]

What a mess on all parts! I think they all need to grow up...

[Alan]

Uh...this is a little much for me to process however I can add this...I wouldn't have sex with anyone a couple of days before getting married. It's just plain stupid. As for men and their stupidity at bachelor parties...let's just say that things can get out of control and before you know it you are laying on the floor with a naked stripper sitting on your chest pouring a beer down her front into your mouth. It's called a Bush Beer. Not saying it happened to me...but it did. So...there's that...

[Midlife Slices]

Dave was an idiot and a traitor.
Mike was wrong and wrong.
Tanya was dumb and stupid.
Dawn has a lot of forgiving and forgetting to do.
They all need to find new "friends".
and last but not least....
Alan is a brave man. LOL

[Hallie]

I need a shower. Seriosuly, this makes me feel dirty.

No sex of any kind with anyone if you are about to get married.

End of discussion.

I think you will always get different answers about this from mena and women. Cuz we women TALK and men SHUT UP. I would have wanted someone to tell me what my newly "wonderful" husband did.

Hallie

[Kate]

Bad situation all the way around. Looking past all the obvious stuff, Tanya broke the trust of her fiance too. Not a great way to start off their engagement. I don't see long term success for either of these couples.

[EMA]

The guy shouldn't have done it. He was wrong. It's not okay even if it was a bachelor party.

Would I want to know if my new husband had cheated at his bachelor party had been in her shoes? Hell yes! However, I have been the one telling someone else about infidelity. And it turned into a nightmare of epic proportions. It was something that became incredibly ugly and if I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have said anything.

I think if you do tell, you had better know for sure what door you're opening. Because I opened a door that caused one very unstable person to do some very irresponsible things in response. Was it my fault? Not so much. He was still responsible for all of his choices. However, I do believe that had I kept quiet, the situation would have come out anyway as he had a habitual problem.

[Don Nelson]

A sorry situation. Mike should have kept his vow(s). Violating them in 3 weeks speaks to how little he valued them, himself, his family and his wife.

Tanya complicated the situation by telling Dawn.

Dave was right in being honest with his fiance. If you don't have trust in a relationship, you have nothing.

So, it all falls on Mike's shoulders for acting stupid. We all fall down from time to time that why we help each other.

[Helena]

This is a very difficult one but I actually do think that Tanya did the right thing to tell Dawn. Dawn will find out what a looser of a man she's married anyway but it's better to find out sooner than later. However, since Dawn has decided to completely shut her eyes, ears and brain to the information she will end up finding out later (and not sooner) anyway.

A total loose-loose situation.

[Christy]

Lord! Mess is an understatement!

Having sex w/anyone other than the person you are supposedly planning to share your life with is a breech of trust--period. Bachelor party or no bachelor party.

Dave should've told Tanya what happened before she found the pics b/c communication & honesty is #1 in a relationship. I know if I were in her shoes I would have wanted to know what went down even if my fiance wasn't the one involved...that would show a tremendous amount of respect and character.

I'm not so sure that Tanya was the right person to tell Dawn b/c it sounds like they weren't really good friends to begin with. That said, if I were in Dawn's shoes I would want to know the truth no matter how much it hurt (but I'm not one for living with blinders on.)

It sounds like Mike is an ass and not mature enough to be married or a good friend or a decent human being. The two of them are going to have some trouble down the road unless they face this and really work on it.

[Kristan]

I pretty much agree with the first commenter's comments, but there's one thing I'm surprised no one else has mentioned...

I think Dave should have told Dawn the next day, if he couldn't get Mike to confess himself. BEFORE the wedding. With the pictures as evidence.

(Unless, as someone mentioned, Dawn & Mike were okay with this sort of thing -- but obviously they were not. I get that some couples might be.)

Lousy situation all around. Sorry. :(

[tonya cinnamon]

ok my 3 cents.
1. if he truly loved his soon to be wife he sure as hell wouldnt be having one last fling f%cking a stripper.Plus most professional stripper dont do that on the job.Their paid to strip.
2. i take the camera to dawn and show her the pics or hell post them or print them out.
3. hes not much of a husband if hes already lieing to her..
4. i tell them to take it to jerry springer LOL

[ballerinatoes]

1. What the fuck was Dave thinking taking pictures? Dumb ass much?
2. Dave probably should have kept Mike's actions out of his explanation.
3. Tanya should not have told Dawn (unless they were very-very close friends.) Dawn doesn't deserve to be hurt and burdened by this. If Mike continues to be a fuck up, she'll figure it out and kick him to the curb -or- she'll pretend she doesn't know and just live with it (believe me, it goes on way more than you might think.)

There's no excuse for what the guys did, guys do stupid shit sometimes. Having a bachelor party, having strippers, taking pictures, not deleting pictures, telling your girlfriend the "other guy" had sex with stripper, actually having sex with a stripper = fucking stupid.

[Julie @ Angry Julie Monday]

Since I work with almost "all boys" I'm used to scenarios like this. I know it looks bad coming from a woman, but I go with the theory, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".

I know way too much about my co-workers that I can't keep up..

Too much drama, but I like to read everyone's replies..

Is tha bad?

[Debrabby]

What good did it do to tell the newly wedded wife? It cost her a friendship because of course the wife is going to accept what her jerk -- oops -- husband told her. This is a very bad situation and ultimately it's Dave who is the one that exposed the whole thing -- and Tanya should have kept the evidence if she wanted to inform on Mike.

There were NO winners in this situation at all and I bet that none of them will stay together very long.

[Pseudo]

Ah, to be young... Yep. Don't really miss it.

I think Tanya should have kept her mouth shut.

[Fragrant Liar]

Mike is an inconsiderate, untrustworthy, lying dick-ass whore. He will get his soon enough.

Tanya did what she felt she had to do. She did what she would want Dawn to have done for her. Tanya likely could not have lived with the knowledge of what Mike had done WITHOUT having a guilty conscience, from a friend's perspective.

And in the end, it doesn't matter. The friendship was doomed due to the "knowing" couple's avoidance or the "knowing" couple's confession to Dawn.

I was in that situation about ten years ago. Difference was that my girl friend had ASKED me to kind of watch over her fiance, who happened to be out with a guy that I was interested in. We all went back to his house to party. When he later disappeared into his bedroom with an old girlfriend and locked the door and would not come out for hours, I felt I had to tell my friend the next morning. I knew it was going to be bad for the cheating guy or me, but I felt I owed it to my friend to speak up.

She believed her lying boyfriend and went on to marry him. We are no longer friends.

[Tracy Davis]

It's not just men who do things like that. I know women have done the same. My cousin was telling me of a story about two of her friends. Her female friend had a bachelorette party with a male stripper and she had sex with him. So low and behold she got pregnant on her honeymoon or so she hoped (and so her new hubby thought) until the baby was born.. of a different race. The same race as the stripper.

People do such stupid things but I don't think this falls under the "stupid" category. It falls under the cheating, lying and selfish category.

Now as far as the scenario you've described I do not believe it was that woman's place to tell the other woman. I just don't. And the way and the place she did doesn't sit right with me either. BUT she is not the one who totally messed up. The cheating man is the one who totally messed up.

And one more thing~ taking pics.. how asinine!!

[Jason]

Ummm, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't prostitution illegal? Thought so.

I, like most of your readers, am pretty darn liberal. But I must say that even worse than the actual paying for sex and for doing it right before the wedding, is the deception. It is NEVER a good idea to start a marriage with deception! Especially deception of this kind and magnitude.

[Life with Kaishon]

I would NEVER want to know that. Not from some chick I didn't know that well and DEFINITELY not from my fiance or husband or whatever. I wish it wouldn't have happened and I wish that everyone wasn't hurt about it. Very sad.

[Tasses]

Two future divorces to add to the ever-growing rate.

As for my humble opinion:

Dave may be a buffoon for taking bachelor party pictures, but he's the innocent one. He tried to share with his fiance' and she violated his trust.

Mike is a pig. He deserves a messy, costly divorce.

Dawn already knows the truth in her heart. Poor kid.

Tanya is an idiot and may not deserve Dave's honest nature. She needs to really learn from this experience in order to save her future marriage (if it even happens now).

[Shay]

I may be in the minority about this but I think Tanya did the right thing. Yes it cost the friendship, but people need to be held responsible for their actions.

Mike made a mistake and he should face the music. It's really too bad he didn't do it like a man and instead wussed out throwing his friend under the bus.