A Harmless Affair?

Infidelity is a topic I've touched on a few times before.  In the past two weeks, however, I've had some pretty heated infidelity discussions with friends.  Why?  Because it seems more and more people I know are involved in affairs, contemplating affairs, feeling guilty over affairs, divorcing because of affairs, or trying to repair the damage from them.

After all, who doesn't want hot, steamy, passion in their life?

The other day I found myself vehemently arguing the negative impact of affairs with someone who was countering my argument by saying affairs can be harmless to a marriage and possibly even have a positive impact.  

Positive for who?

The pro-affair argument came from a man.

Does gender determine your opinion on this topic?  Do most men think affairs are harmless and most women disagree?  Would the same man express his pro-affair opinion if he discovered his wife had an affair?  Or if she retaliated after discovering his affair with one of her own?

My pro-affair acquaintance argued that if his wife never found out about an affair, it would be harmless.

I made the following points:

1.  If you have an affair, you have to assume at some point it will be discovered.  To assume no one will ever discover, and reveal, your infidelity is naive.

2.  Even if your partner never discovers your affair, the energy you expend on the affair (mental, emotional, sexual, psychological) is energy you are not funneling into your marriage.  By giving less to your marriage you are hurting it whether or not your spouse knows the reason behind it.

3.  If you are having an affair, or seriously contemplating an affair, there's something lacking in your marriage (or yourself) that needs attention.  To convince yourself that your marriage is "fine" or "great" while you get involved with someone else is nothing more than denial.

4. If an affair is never discovered, the participating spouse is still plagued with destructive guilt for years to come.  

5.  If an affair is discovered, it often takes years to rebuild even a fraction of the trust which existed between spouses prior to the betrayal.  (If the marriage survives, which it often does not.)

The pro-affair gentleman countered with:

1. Having sex on the side might make a person happier and more willing to stay with their spouse for the long term.

2. What about prostitutes?  What if a man uses a prostitute once in awhile and there is no emotional attachment?  If the wife never finds out and it's only an occasional thing, what is the harm?  (Assuming he uses condoms to avoid bringing home diseases to his wife.)

To that I replied, "Really?  Because ewwwww!"

He added he, personally, would never hire the services of a prostitute.  He was just trying to make a point that going outside of your marriage can be harmless.

Can it?

What do you think?

Are affairs ever harmless?

I'm really curious to see if the opinions on this topic vary a lot by gender.

© Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[Maureen@IslandRoar]

How can anything that requires you to hide part of yourself and sneak around in any way be harmless?
I assume men are making the old argument that it's only sex, and that they can compartmentalize the sex away from the marriage. Which is really just a bullshit thing they say to avoid the guilt.
I agree with you; if you're having an affair, there are probably so many things wrong already.

[Alan]

Here's the thing about men...we all have different opinions on this topic. Some men CAN separate sex from emotional attachment (as can some women) and so it is easier for them (and I assume your friend) to pull off the casual affair from time to time. But many of us have been bludgeoned with the fact that affairs can and most often do destroy relationships and so we avoid them. The NATURAL instinct (I feel) is to have sex with any woman who looks our way. A commited man who respects his partner denies those urges and remains faithful, even when opportunities present themselves. But this can be from the female perspective as well...not necessarily from just men. But more often than naught, I believe it's mostly a male trait to cheat...and to usually get caught at some point. 'Cause we ARE men, after all and a woman's intuition is usually never wrong.

[Kristan]

Your reasons #2 and #3 are SPOT ON. I'm with you. And in general, against affairs.

That said, I recognize that not everyone is like me. I am simply not the type of person that can (at this point, anyway) have a physical relationship without emotions getting involved. I think many women are like that and that's why we get so worked up about physicality when men are often like, "What? I don't get it!"

Because many men (my boyfriend included, I think) COULD have a physical relationship without getting emotionally involved. I think that's why there's a huge debate about what's worse for a relationship: a physical or an emotional affair.

There are some women out there (I roomed with one in college, in fact) who can be physical without any emotional attachment.

So do I think affairs can be harmless? Surprisingly, yes. If BOTH PEOPLE in the relationship have a mutual view and understanding of it, then perhaps it can be harmless. (My boyfriend, on the other hand, has already been notified that cheating and hitting are the two non-negotiable deal-breakers.)

But are MOST affair harmless? No, I don't think so. For all of your very well-stated arguments, 24.

[Kelly]

Affairs are never harmless. I think people try to rationalize their actions by saying they are. Love the pic of that guy giving thumbs up in bed. Men!

[Jan]

There are just too many variables here for me to give an "all or nothing" opinion. It would be easy to say that affairs destroyed my first marriage, but that would be untrue - my ex-husband's infidelities were merely one symptom of what was very wrong; with him and me and our marriage.

On the other hand, I have a friend who's affair literally *saved* her marriage.

Would an affair ruin my present marriage? I guess it depends on what kind of an affair it is; an "emotional" affair almost definitely would - I don't think either of us would want to stay in a marriage where the other fell in love with someone else. A purely physical affair? I suppose it would depend on what triggered it. I'm not so naive as to dismiss what is *human nature* as opposed to what is social custom foisted on us by a Judeo-Christian belief system.

Now, having said that, I think that we - Beloved and I - are getting to an age where monogamy becomes more and more appealing simply because of the time and energy it would take to foster an extra-marital relationship, of any kind. The trouble and complications it would present far outweigh any excitement and ego-stroking.

Yeah, we're getting old.

[Ann's Rants]

I think my argument is cliche, but also true. Look at the vast majority of stories of affairs...they all end in tragedy.

People delude themselves that the affair will fill the void, but the void is within--within their soul and within their marriage. Adding a third party won't change either of those things. Futhermore, it will complicate matters and cause more damage.

Oh, and the biochemical aspect is addictive--those endorphins are serious uppers, but like any good high will not last.

[di]

Oh Suzanne! These photos of you are GORGEOUS!!!

Di

[LPC]

Generally a bad idea.

[Michelle Pixie]

From where I stand an affair would destroy my marriage. I think I could get past the sex but the trust would be a bigger issue that would probably never recover.

I had a boyfriend cheat on me and it was devastating. He had me in one town (where he lived) and her in another (where his parents lived) so neither of us knew about one another until I found evidence and followed the trail. I clued her in (I was a detective in my past life) and she married him. I know for a fact that they are still married to this day and he continues to cheat on her. And all of this happened over 15 years ago, so I guess it's true what they say "You can't teach an old dog new tricks". It’s very naive of a man to assume that the other women isn’t going to clue the wife in when she doesn’t get what she needs out of the relationship. Because women are emotional creatures by nature and most of the time are looking for more then just sex.

And let’s not forget about what they can bring home to you. Because I don't care how "safe" they are trying to be no one is that safe 100% of the time.

[Pseudo]

While not touching on the affair topic, I have to say I love your new blog look. I loved it before too, but that header is gorgeous. And the photos of Laguna in the post below make my heart sing.

Did you redo your blog yourself? One of these days I need to update mine....

[Christine]

Are affairs harmless?

No, no, and no.

Simple enough?

I'd like to kick your "acquaintance" in the balls. And then tell his wife about his views on affairs.

Why, yes, I AM in a mood this morning.

[Ginger@When Ginger snaps...]

An interesting topic, 24. I think a person who is having an affair is taking the coward's way out. Instead of figuring out what it is they are not getting out of their marriage, and confronting that head-on (which, admittedly can be not only a LOT of work, but could also mean they need to part ways) they are deciding to avoid trying to fix a problem by sneaking out the back door.

Never a good idea in my opinion. If you think an affair can save a marriage, then aren't you just saying that this intentionally created drama (by one spouse) will be the catalyst that changes the dynamics between the two spouses? Isn't that like using a nuclear bomb to stop a crime, when a call to the police would do? And what about the emotional scars to the third party? How is it fair to them?

I know a lot of women get involved with married men because they are convinced (by him and by their own guilt, so it's a powerful two-punch) that the marriage is almost over anyways. Many times, when the wife finds out, she will then, and only then, do whatever it takes to keep from losing her husband to another woman.

Often, if it works, and he breaks off the affair, she will then realize that she no longer trusts him and that SHE no longer wants to be with HIM.

I know this because it happened to me. I have been on both sides of this fence. Now I am remarried to a man who feels as strongly about monogamy as I do. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way.

[Jane]

Okay, the K-Fed like picture above is really turning me off.

I am a monogamous person by nature, but I really can't imagine being married. I think it would be very hard on so many levels. I've never cheated or been cheated on, and think it would be painful either way, but how would I feel after 10, 20, 30 years? I don't know.

I think your friend has a cavalier approach to relationships, though. While I can understand that sometimes sex is just sex, it's equally true that it can and often does bond two people, and not always mutually. To treat that kind of intimacy as if it's without the potential for harm is really cold.

To throw a little didactic message in here, it wasn't that long ago that a football player's lover shot him and then herself. She thought it was love - he had no intention of getting divorced.

While that's a drastic case, affairs aren't just about the husband or the wife, but about that third, invisible person. There are three psyches involved and I think it's unethical to keep a secret from one while using the other.

[Linda]

Are affairs ever harmless? Short answer- No.

[Lexi - @laprimera]

Affairs are never harmless. Destructive. Disrespectful. And indicative of bigger problems within the marriage.

And so risky. Inevitably the truth has a way of making itself known.

Forever living a lie with your spouse is not a marriage.

[Kristan]

Wow I'm the only person so far who said affairs could be OK?? I wasn't expecting that. Where are your male readers ringing in?!

[stephen]

I'm going to generalize. Please don't be offended if a few of you fall outside the generalizations. Sex and emotions are seperate for men. Period. 24/7/365 testosterone on the march. Yes, we are capable of love. Yes, we can emotionally support women. Absolutely yes, there is a higher sexual plane than just physicality. However, we give love and emotional support in exchange for sex and having our ego stroked. We are simple. Monogamy is fine with most of us as long as the sex and ego stroking are there. I know there are men who despite getting plenty at home still feel the need to go "score." Most of us are not like that. For "most of us," the infidelity stems from your partner making the unilateral decision to quit providing the sex and ego stroking. Testosterone poisoning is a disease and men will always search for a symptomatic relief. Is it right? No. Did we design the whole hormone machinery? No. Is it harmless? No. As us guys age, it becomes somewhat easier to find alternative outlets for unsatiated appetites. HOWEVER! There is one thing perpetually gnawing at our soul. GET LAID! GET LAID! GET LAID! It never ends. As I said, we are simple. This is not all that we are. I play music, I write poetry, I do the cooking, I'm politically active, I collect and shoot alot of firearms, I hunt and fish, I'm a businessman, I coached little league, I have a tear or two once in awhile watching a movie, I read women's blogs, (and others)etc., but still.........I'M HORNY ALL THE TIME! Just like the men you know. I know that as you read this, a bunch of you feel indignant towards my thoughts, but, how wrong can honesty be? If this testosterone driven issue was considered, discussed, and dealt with honestly from the beginning in marriages, most affairs would never happen. Finally, having said all this, I agree with all 5 of Suzanne's points. Oh, wait, I forgot, prostitution. Yes I have. There I said it. The small Northern Nevada town I came of age in had and still has, 2 legal brothels. Consenting adults? Yes. Rampant disease? No. Pimps and violence? No. Taxes collected? Yes. Tightly regulated? Yes. In 1974 10 bucks went a long ways towards putting out raging testosterone fueled wildfires in a small conservative Mormon town. (the local girls were kinda stingy) I know I'm long winded but at least I'm honest. TOTAL HONESTY = TOTAL FREEDOM steve

[Helena]

My God, where did you find that thumbs up pic?

And as for the question - No, affairs are never harmless.

[dadshouse]

I was contacted online by a woman, then we spoke on the phone - she was married, and wanted to hook up and have sex with me. On one condition - her husband could watch. http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/09/29/husband-wants-to-watch/

That's a bit beyond me. But I suppose it gets around the issue of an affair. No?

[Carol S.]

Not a supporter. Fantasies are one thing. Acting on them, another.

[Paris Parfait]

I don't think affairs are ever harmless. But I can understand why for all kinds of reasons, people have them.

[Trueself]

Nothing that requires sneaking is harmless. However, if the couple has an open marriage then I say fine, whatever works for them. Then again, if it's an open marriage would it be considered an affair?

[surcey]

I'm thinking Steve is right-on about his experiences with men's needs. Thanks for sharing.

[Life with Kaishon]

I totally think they are full of harm and a bad idea! A lot of my friends where I work are all for affairs. Girls and boys alike. It blows my mind. And freaks me out a little.

[Anne Gibert]

I was married to 2 men who had affairs. I always knew it. I guess there are women who don't know when their husbands are having affairs, but I think they don't know because they don't want to know.

I can't see how affairs can do anything but harm to a marriage.

I think that it's great for both men and women to enjoy sex and be interested in sex. But I think a guy who is "horny all the time" and just drooling over every woman he sees is just completely boring. I can't see how he could be interesting to any intelligent woman.

[Katie]

How could he say that using a condom with a prostitute would prevent bringing diseases home to his wife? Has he never heard of HPV? Herpes? Those are two fun diseases that could kill his wife or if she was pregnant, his unborn child, and they are not prevented by condom use.

[Jack]

Years ago I had a very black and white perspective on this, they were just flat wrong.

Age and life experience changes things. I am not an advocate of affairs but I know of several people who are having them. Their stories/reasons make sense to me.

When a marriage reaches a point at which it fails and cannot be recovered you do not always have an easy way to get out. I have a friend whose business would be destroyed. There is no way that he can split up with his wife without her going ballistic.

Not only would it kill the business but he is very concerned about what it would do to his children.

His wife stopped sleeping with him years ago and has been verbally abusive. She refuses to go to counseling.

So he has found a woman who wants to be with him and is willing to wait until the children graduate from high school.

It might not be a perfect situation but it works for him. In an ideal world people would agree to split amenably and these sorts of issues would never arise.

[San]

I would like to comment on something only a man (Stephen) could say: "For "most of us," the infidelity stems from your partner making the unilateral decision to quit providing the sex and ego stroking."

Yes, he's honest, but he's also making excuses for infidelity. He makes it sound like it's the woman's fault when her partner cheats.

I can't even begin to tell you how much I find wrong with this statement.

[Sarah]

I agree with every point you made. They cannot be harmless. Anyway "around" that is not really the same thing, is it. Her husband or his wife watching? Not an "affair" is it? Whether or not you have a woman/partner stroking your ego and stoking your fires, whether or not you have mad testosterone trying to dictate your actions to you, a man/woman either has integrity or he/she does NOT. You can't have it both ways. You can be the king/queen of rationalization, OR of integrity. We all actively make our choices no matter what we tell ourselves.

[Marty]

What if you found yourself living "numb" after after several years of marriage? What if someone came along and "woke you up?" What if that experience helped you to feel alive again? What if that experience opened you up to love? Love you were able to rekindle with your spouse?
It isnt a black or white issue. It is complicated. You can grow leaps and bounds by the experience of an affair.

[Macaroni]

I know this post is kind of old but I feel the need to post my opinion on it.

To me, personally, this issue is very black and white. There is no gray area. If you are having an affair, then you are -cheating-. Someone will get hurt. Seriously seriously hurt.

If you find someone (and I'm using "you" in the open 'everyone' sense, not -you- personally-) that "rekindles a love that was unable to be rekindled by your spouse" then you need to have a very serious discussion with your spouse and talk about either ending the marriage or fixing it with them rather than going behind their back and trying to get passion elsewhere. I honestly see no point in wasting your time and their time in such a way. It's selfish and can be avoided with a little something called "honesty". Or it could be avoided all together by something called "loyalty".

If your spouse finds you cheating, and lets you carry on....that's not an affair. That's called an open marriage/relationship, and personally it would make me wonder why they're so...open...to the relationship being open.

Honestly though, I think until someone you deeply deeply truly -love- has had an affair behind your back (cheated on you like a rat bastard***), you have no right to talk favorably about having an affair.

....It's personal.