Going Brazilian

If you are a family member, or know me even remotely in person, this is a post you should NOT READ.  I'm writing intimate details about my lady bits today.  

If you don't like explicit posts, come back tomorrow.  If you want to gloat over my "sex writing" then stay.

I know many of you are enjoying cool fall weather.  I'm not.  It's hot as hell here and likely will be for a few months to come.  As a result, I swim a lot.  Swimming a lot means being in a bathing suit a lot.  Being in a bathing suit a lot means I like to keep my cooter well groomed.

I usually go to a waxing salon once a month for a "French bikini wax."  A French bikini wax is when they wax any hair outside of your panty line.  In addition, they wax the top part of the V so your hairline begins lower.  The esthetician waxes the top of the V so you can wear a low bikini if you want to and not have any stragglers hanging out.

Have the men all departed yet?

I'm a natural blonde.  

(See, I warned you ... TMI - right?)

Most blondes have way less body hair than non-blonde people.  I'm sharing this info because I've received a zillion emails with questions about bikini waxing and I want you to realize my experience may very well be different than yours.  I also have very fair, extremely sensitive, skin.  I've tried shaving and I get a terrible, irritated, rash.  Shaving my twat is not an option for me.

Less hair = a positive for waxing.

Sensitive skin = a negative.

All of this leads up to my appointment yesterday morning for my first-ever Brazilian Bikini Wax.

What is a Brazilian?

Just to confuse us all, different salons have different definitions.  Some salons consider a Brazilian Wax one where every single hair is removed front to back except for a small, trimmed, "landing strip" in front.  Most salons here in Orange County, however, consider a Brazilian Wax one where every single cooter hair is removed leaving the recipient completely bald down there.

I went bald.

Front to back baldness!

I also decided to Tweet the experience live.

My waxing esthetician didn't mind.  She thought it was hilarious.

An hour before my wax I tweeted:

Getting my first Brazilian Bikini Wax this morning.  Maybe I should have a couple cocktails before I go?

People began tweeting me with brazilian bikini waxing tips.  For instance, one person told me to take a couple Advil an hour beforehand to avoid pain and inflammation.  I immediately popped two.  Another person told me about No Scream Cream which helps with the pain if you use it prior to waxing.  (I didn't have enough time to go buy it.)

A man asked me about Penis Waxing for men.  Yes, a lot of men do get their privates waxed these days too.  My esthetician tells me they often walk in with a chub but after that first cloth strip goes riiiiiiiiiiip they are flaccid as can be for the remainder of the waxing.

<snicker>

Some of you corresponded with me regarding laser hair removal also.  I've not tried it, but I've heard mixed reviews.  Laser is supposed to be more painful, take up to 6 visits, and I've heard many women do experience some regrowth after a one year period.  Regrowth means a return to waxing.  (Maybe some of you can share your laser hair removal experiences with me in the comment section?)

I took a shower, of course, before going in.  After all, my poor esthetician was going to be up close and personal with me.  Then it occured to me ... what if I stayed a little damp down there from my shower?  Would the wax not work?

I did the only reasonable thing I could think of.  I blow dried my muff.  Yes, I really did.  Just a tip, if you ever blow dry your snatch you don't want the temperature setting of the blow dryer on hot.  Just sayin' ....

Whew!

It wasn't long until I sent out the following tweet from the salon:

Getting undressed!

A minute later, I was on my back on a table waiting for the esthetician with only a small hand towel covering my most delicate parts.

I tweeted:

Scared!  Waiting ...

At this point, my blackberry began flashing frantically at me.  It seemed like all of twitter had joined in on my Brazilian Bikini Wax.  The messages were coming at me faster than I could possibly reply to them.

The esthetician entered the room.  She began waxing my cooch as I lay flat on my back with one leg "frogged" out to the side.

(Exactly how many slang names for IT are there?)

On the third riiiiiiiiip I tweeted:

Holy Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

This was quickly followed by another tweet where I wrote:

This is a little embarrASSing!

By this time, my other leg was also frogged out.  I was still flat on my back.  My esthetician was making me laugh between my gasps of pain.  She got a generous tip for that alone. 

A few minutes later I tweeted:

Owwww!

Followed by:

The wax is burning my cooter!

Then:

Shiiiiiiiiiiit!

And eventually:

Half bald!

Also?  You, and people like you, on Twitter were hilarious.  Here are just a few of the comments sent to me while I was undergoing my Brazilian:

@TwentyFour:  Things just clenched on me.

@ TwentyFour:  bow chicka bow wow!

@ TwentyFour:  may the force be with you

@ TwentyFour:  You're cracking me up.  Live!  First time Brazilian Wax Tweets!  Totally better than labor.

@ TwentyFour:  that does it ... never getting a Brazilian

@ TwentyFour:  omg!  ha ha ha!

@ TwentyFour:  imagine it without the ibuprofen

@ TwentyFour:  My hoo-ha is having sympathy pains

@ TwentyFour:  Like childbirth, it's worth the pain

@ TwentyFour:  *shakes head while trying to continue working*  (from a man)

@ TwentyFour:  I seriously love that you have the balls to tweet this!

@ TwentyFour:  Your live tweeting your bikini wax?  You're all kinds of awesome, that's what you are.

@ TwentyFour:  ::raises a glass::

@TwentyFour:  they are so awful!  Get a bag of frozen peas to sit on.

@TwentyFour:  newborn baby bald?  Ouch!

@ TwentyFour:  no way could I do that!

@ TwentyFour:  the woman who did mine said "the first is the worst."  Thank gawd, huh?

@ TwentyFour:  WHAT THE F&%K ARE YOU DOING?  Run!  Run!

@ TwentyFour:  will you be able to walk?

@ TwentyFour:  is it true you have to get on all fours?

<no it isn't.  I was on my back the entire time.  First, with just one leg frogged out and then with both legs in a frog position.  At the very end I grabbed each knee, spread my legs, and lifted them up as if I was going to push a baby out.  I never left the table or got off my back!>

@ TwentyFour:  would you do it again?

<Yes, I plan to.  I love the results.  Sexaaay!>

@ TwentyFour:  I need a detailed play by play

@ TwentyFour:  please tell me you'll write a blog post on this

@ TwentyFour:  mental image is too hot to be at work  (from a man)

Some of you asked, what is the cost and how long does it last?  Cost varies greatly by salon.  My technician (at a waxing-only OC salon) charges $60 for the first Brazilian and then $50 each time after provided you return every four weeks.  The first Brazilian is supposed to be the most painful.  In time your skin gets used to it and also your hair regrowth slows down.  I have a friend, however, who lives an hour and a half away and has a salon she loves that only charges $25.

I sent out two more tweets about my experience.  

The first said:

I am completely bald front to back!

About forty minutes later I wrote:

Well, that wasn't so bad.  Heh ...

Then I went home and sat on a block of ice for a few hours.

© Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[sometimessophia]

You are amazing. LOL. No pain, no gain...

[di]

*makes mental note NOT to be an esthetician when I grow up*

Di

[Hallie]

Wish you were here so you could come with me and hold my hand. ANd yes, that's the kind of friend I am - I want people with me when I'm put through hell!! After all, to love me is to love my hoo-haa, right? Well, not really unless we've had a shit load of tequila!

(shutting up and heading off to play with my wieners!) Wait, that sounds bad too!! :)

Hallie

[Helena]

I once went bald. I will only say this: I will NEVER do it again!

[Maureen@IslandRoar]

Wow, you have just performed a valuable educational service. I am in awe (and a little sore) just thinking about it...

[Jan]

I'm sorry, I am not letting some stranger pour hot wax all over my lady bits. When I want to go hairless, I do it myself with a razor and a special shaving gel for that purpose. Sometimes, well, hmmmm, yes, Beloved gets in on the act.

Lots more fun than having some stranger pour hot wax all over your lady bits.

But see? I love that you blog about this stuff, because I'd NEVER say that on my blog.

[Jenn in Tenn]

OMG! All I can say is you go girl!

[Carol S.]

Ouchie, and I can imagine day 2 feels a little unusual. Enjoy.

I'm an advocate of laser hair removal, though I've not done the private areas. I started with upper lip and chin, and if you've never had hair in these areas, you won't appreciate the priceless value of NOT having hair there. Then, I did underarm, and six months later did lower legs, and am now doing upper legs. It's pricey ($400 chin/upperlip; 900 1/2 leg)...but comes with a 3 year guarantee. Since I've added on treatments over the last couple of years, each time I visit every 6-8 weeks, they do a touch up of all areas. If I never went back, would I see hair return? Some would, but being hairless "permanently" with routine touch ups is pretty valuable to me, and makes me feel quite feminine!

[Kelly]

OMG! You are brave. Thank you for writing this I've always wondered ... and wanted to try. Now iits a question as to if I have teh courage.

[Andrea/ShutterBitch]

Wow. Fist, thanks for posting/tweeting it. Those of us who have wondered and considered but have never done are a little less clueless now.

Second, you have balls, woman. Big brass ones. To live tweet your waxing. Wow. That's brave.

Third, how are things feeling today? A day after the event? Worse? Better?

[Amy @ The Bitchin' Wives Club]

I'm not sure that $50/hr is enough pay for the waxing staff... I mean, you're very pretty and I still would NOT want to have to do that. Imagine if Divine came in for a Brazilian?!?!?

[kathygee1]

OMG You are so funny! Loved being part of your post!

[Matthew]

Never really did get back to working, btw. :)

[The Queen of Chaos]

I think I'm proud to say that I was live tweeting with you during that painful experience...and I made it into your post for it!

Hope you're feeling better today. Did hubby appreciate what you did for him (because we all know that's what they think)?

[Liz C]

I have dark hair that starts, as far as I can tell, 3 feet below the surface of my skin, and plenty of it. I cannot imagine what it would take for me to go there. I just keep hoping that someday 'natural' will come back in style.

[Pseudo]

One of these days I have to get on twitter. You are having too much fun.

[mariah]

I did it too and I think it is HOT looking!

[Lynette]

I'm too afraid to get the full Monty (as it were), so I just stick w/ the bikini... but wow are YOU brave.

[Christine]

Yeah, you're tweets were cracking me up last night.

It will be a cold day in hell before someone is allowed to put hot wax anywhere NEAR let alone ON my crotch.

Thankfully, my razor and I have become good friends. She treats me well. :)

[Kristan]

See, and all you've done is convince me that shaving is better. :P

(Less time and money, although you have to do it more often and more carefully.)

But I'm glad you, um, enjoyed it? :P

You are a hoot!

[Sarah]

I can't believe I missed that. Being offline sucks!!!!!

YOU however, are the be-all-end-all-brass-balled-lady. I very nearly emailed you about waxing the last time I read it about here, but just though... really? Email a total stranger about her experiences? SO THANK YOU for the PSA. My skin is way too sensitive for shaving, and I *hate* the hair. You've emboldened me.

[Kim @ beautiful wreck]

I am not sure I will ever have the guts to do this. however, when I lose all the weight, maybe I will.

[stephen]

I wonder if your S. African neighbor and his guests will approve of the "new" you? Or are S. Africans into the furry thing like some Europeans? Just wondering. steve

[Kari-Mel]

I envy your endurance so very much! HA! I also cracked up at your tweets and they truly brightened my day.

Oh - my t-shirt came! Totally adorable!

[Jane]

I am so glad that in Lesbian Land, *some* hair is the standard. Yes to grooming, no to getting my hair ripped out by the roots. I am curled up in a fetal position as I write this.

[missy]

Great PSA for all of us who are too chicken to try it!

[dogmother]

Holy shit! I can't even stand a little re-growth itch around the edges,so...what kind of hell would this be! Thanks for experiencing this FOR us!

[Chris]

Sounds painful, but I'm intrigued. I shave, so I'm curious how long the waxing lasts. You mentioned returning every four weeks, but does that mean you have a little stubble, or a lot? How long do things stay tidy? I shave my area every second or third day and it's no big deal. Just curious... but not bi. ;-)

[Ann's Rants]

I probably need this service more than anyone, and I will never never never have the guts.

(bowing down in praise of your hairlessness)