Secrets

Do you have any secrets?

I bet you do.

I think everyone has secrets.

I'm not telling you mine.  What?  Do you really think I would take my deepest, darkest, secret and publish it on the Internet?  Actually, I don't think I have too many mysteries to share even if I wanted to.  I do, however, have a few secrets.  I'm of the opinion that everyone does.

Have you ever wondered at what point undisclosed information becomes classified as a secret?

Can secrets between a couple actually be a healthy thing for a relationship?

Do all secrets destroy trust?

The married man who has an affair but never reveals it to his wife has a secret.  The wife of that man may know he had an affair but perhaps she's chosen never to reveal her knowledge.  She also has a secret.

I have girlfriends I feel I can tell anything to.  Anything.  Whether it be the condition of my uterus or my frustration over an argument with Briefcase.  They, in turn, can pour out their hearts to me.  We can chat on the phone, or over a cocktail.  We offer each other support, advice and companionship.

Do I then go share these conversations with my husband?

No, I do not.

To me, it's girl talk.  It's what we women do.  We talk, we share, we confess our hearts to one another.  

Do we have secrets?  I suppose we do.

Do I think of our conversations as secrets?  No, I don't.  I think we share confidences.  Is there really a difference?

Almost every family has "family secrets."  Uncle Joe may wear dresses when no one is looking.  The entire family knows, but no one discusses it.  Parents may get divorced and tell the kids, "It's no one's fault."  In reality, maybe mommy has had ten affairs and can't stop abusing alcohol.  Sometimes a secret is the same as a lie.

When is it wrong to keep information to yourself?  

What if you don't tell your spouse something because you don't want to hurt her feelings?  What if your wife gets jealous easily so you "never mention" a platonic female friend you are actually very close to?  What if your husband questions you unmercifully about everything you do so you "forget to mention" certain things in your day just to get him off your back?  In both these situations, the "secret" may actually be harmless information which is hidden so it won't be misconstrued.

I know some of you will say all secrets are bad.  Some of you are thinking spouses should know absolutely everything about one another.  

To that, I say bullshit.

Look in the mirror and then look again.

Everyone has secrets.  I, personally, think keeping some things to yourself is healthy.  I'm not condoning cheating or outright betrayals of trust.  I just think every individual needs a little space to call their own.  Sometimes not sharing everything can be better for a relationship.

What do you think?

Is it healthy to have a secret?  At what point does a secret become a betrayal?  

© Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[Elaina]

I think you're one of my favorite blogger people because you post what you want to. And I think you're smart. And real. And I've met you IRL and you didn't make me want to strangle you. And I liked you more. And I can't say that about everyone I meet IRL via Internet connections. Ha. Ha.

But I do disagree with you just a tiny, smidge on this one. I think secrets, in the classic sense, are not good. For the most part. I think not being real about deep issues and concerns is not good in relationships.

That said, I think there's a time, place and way to deal with those things. I'll probably end up emailing you because I think this is really important, but without getting too deep and revealing here, I'll just say that living too long with portions of ourselves hidden from those we share our lives with, is dangerous. At best.

Any. Hoo. In part, I think you're right in that there are those we share portions of our lives with that we might not share other portions of our lives with. But...those that are supposed to be closest to us (like spouses for instance), if we're not able to share those parts, well...maybe we should ask why?

Why is it that we're not able to share those parts of ourselves? And if we can't, what needs to be changed?

[Elaina]

And, I've had a few adult beverages. I don't know if any of that made sense? Ultimately, what I'm saying is...there's a time and a place for holding back information. The question is...why do we feel the need to hold back info? And is our reason to protect ourselves or someone else? Sometimes, protecting ourselves is NOT the better answer.

[di]

At age fifty something and being on a second marriage and many boyfriends between the two marriages I can firmly state that, "YES", it's okay to have secrets. If asked I would probably tell, but since he does not ask.... well, you see. Sometimes they don't really want to know either.

And most certainly girl secrets are okay as well... confidences. Never break a confidence unless someone's life is in danger and then it must be revealed.

*jumps down off soapbox for today*

Di

[Jan]

*sigh*

I was married to a man once who felt that it was my place to be the person he shared EVERYTHING with. This included every woman he had a "relationship" with while we were married. I was called a "prude" if I objected (might I also add that he objected strenuously to the idea that *I* might have a "relationship" with another man, because it would "mean something" you see).

Sometimes, secrets are good.

Of course, sometimes secrets are not so good. If your spouse has a secret, and you happen to know what it is (but he doesn't know that you know), it can eat away at you. That doesn't do anyone any good.

I know far more about this subject than I ever wanted to, and it makes me distinctly uncomfortable.

[Alan]

I am of the opinion that secrets are NOT destructive to a relationship providing that they aren't relationship threatening. An affair is relationship threatening. Not liking my wife's cooking is NOT relationship threatening (just life threatening in some cases). My first marriage, my wife wanted to know everything and when we went to councelling I let it all out, it ruined us. I guess it all boils down to how important the secrets are and whether or not the secret would change your spouse's opinion of you...

[Maureen@IslandRoar]

Everyone has secrets. Because you haven't shared with a person may mean you're not ready. And then that person leaves your life and you're glad you didn't share.

People that say they don't have any secrets are just keeping secrets from themselves. And if that makes them feel better then I say go for it.

[Linda]

IMO everyone has secrets. Whether it's an action or a though or a feeling not revealed. I certainly don't want to know every detail and would decline to tell mine.

[Andrea/ShutterBitch]

I think in a BIG way it depends on the secret. If it's more damaging for a person to not know than to know, then a secret is not good. If it betrays a trust, also not good.

but I really don't think my husband needs to know that sometimes I get a skein of yarn for $5, and sometimes I get the $25 skein of yarn. I do the bills, know what we can afford, and don't do anything to jeopardize that. If he knew, then he'd see my yarn stash and have a shit fit, assuming every ball of yarn I have (which honestly isn't much compared to some other knitters) is the more expensive kind. He bowls every week, I knit. Different hobbies. that we can afford. That's the key, right there.

On the other hand (playing devil's advocate on myself) if he'd get mad about what I'm buying, then we should have a 'talk' and figure out a common ground so that we're both happy instead of my keeping it to myself how much that one skein cost or the stuff I got for that baby blanket I'm making.

But then, I don't want to know all his secrets. I don't want to know when he's spanking his monkey if he has a particular magazine he likes to look at while doing that. I don't want to know how much he spent on my engagement ring -- though I do anyway, because I stumbled across the warranty information with the receipt attached. I don't need to know everything that goes through his mind. Some of it is trivial, would hurt my feelings, and is of no use to me. I trust him to ferret out the things he thinks I should know. It boils down to trust. And at some point, you have to let your inner control freak relax a little.

So I guess I'm saying it's on a case by case basis if it's an okay secret. Kind of a boring opinion, I know.

[Kelly]

Secrets are normal and healthy unless the purpose is to be destructive and hide your destructiveness. No one needs to know every SINGLE thing about someone else. Not even a spouse.

[BeautifulWreck]

Sometimes its best to keep things to yourself.

[Lynette]

I think everyone SHOULD have some secrets. You don't need to know every little thing about me, and I probably don't even WANT to know every little thing about you.

Sharing secrets just to unburden yourself and make YOU feel less guilty is just as bad in my book.

[Chris]

Oh. Do I have secrets... Uh-huh. I used to have the need to compulsively confess things. The older I get, I realize it's not necessary [for me]. You could get a group of people talking for hours on this topic!

[Cari]

Spouses should not have any secrets. Secrets are deceptions and cause nothing but problems.

[broken in WA]

My husband and I are struggling right now. He has forged friendships that are inappropriate with women. While he has not physically touched them he did do other things with them. He hid this from me. When I found out and asked why he hurt me so badly he said "It is easier to lie to you then to have this type of conversation". That is when his *secrets* became betrayal. When they were done intentionally solely to avoid him the headache of a conversation with me, his wife.

[Michelle Pixie]

I have a relationship with my husband that I don't think too many people have. We share everything and when it comes to him I am an open book and vise-verse. But that being said I live in a town where I don't have and 'Girlfriends' that I get to tell my secrets too (Yes we can talk over the phone but it’s sometimes not the same). He is my best friend, my rock, my comic relief, my soft place to land, and the one person I spend all of my time with. And maybe that doesn't work for everyone but it works for us. People may say bullshit, but this is how we are and how we have always been.

But yes I keep secrets, just not from my husband.

[Erica]

Even the smallest secret can threaten a relationship if it is carelessly kept. If everyone you know thinks you love your wife's cooking then all is well. If your wife is the only person you've ever interacted with who still thinks so... Not good. Time bomb waiting to explode.

[Julie @ Angry Julie Monday]

My head sometimes hurts from all of the stuff that has been told to me. And that is just work related stuff.

Yes, there is stuff that I do not want to tell my husband. Yes, I vent to my best friend. I did it this morning and she was dying from laughter.

I have some friends with deep dark secrets that completely freak me out. Ironically, my gossipy mother told me these secrets...

[stephen]

Thanks for the post 24. Ahh,,,,secrets. Like colors, they come in a wide variety. I think about the ones we share only with ourselves alot. We all have those. Maybe it's eroticism of a certain type. Maybe it's an innapropriate attraction.
That wallet you found in college and kept the money from. Those tires you sliced after that asshole vandalized your boat. I think it's good to keep these types of things to yourself. The exquisite pain from carrying solitary burdens acts as a reminder of what's right and what's wrong. A moral counterweight to repeating past excesses. Solitary secrets for the most part come wrapped in some degree of feeling guilty. Honest introspection on those feelings discourages bad behavior from being repeated.

And what of solitary secrets of long past deeds that if revealed now will blow up many people's lives. (see alan's comment above) Take the pain and keep your mouth shut! Lynette also hit the nail on the head with her comment.

I have several close female confidants. They know things about me that my wife doesn't. Not betrayal type things. But things that probably would trigger nasty emotions running amuck. Jealousy, Bitterness, Distrust, Anger, etc. These confidences allow issues to be delved into and hashed out without the above mentioned nasty emotions. Many times in the past, getting a different perspective on something by sharing a "secret" has caused me to shift my behavior towards my wife in a positive manner. Especially when that perspective comes from female confidants.

And finally, what would a comment about secrets be without sharing a secret. Lately I've been secretly looking for a S. African buddy to hang out in his back yard with. Big grins! steve

[stoneskin]

I'm never too sure when something becomes a secret, i.e. if something is just a random truth or thought that you just haven't shared, is it a secret? Who knows.

[Jack]

My answer is a secret. ;) I don't have a problem with secrets. It really depends on what the secret is.

Somethings can wreck your relationship. Years ago I dated a woman who was very proud of a certain skill of hers. For a long time when asked about it I would lie.

Eventually I told her that I didn't think she was as good as she said and offered a suggestion or two.

That killed things.

Anyway, I think that it is healthy to retain a sense of self and independence in a relationship. Doesn't mean that you can't be tight or best friends, but...

[Sarah]

I agree with you.

I don't have any secrets that threaten my marriage. I have a truckload that work with me to preserve it. I don't doubt my husband could say the same, but I don't really care to know.

It is what it is. And it works for us.

[dogmother]

Oh your posts are so fascinating. Eh hemmmmm. There is a thick, gray line between omission and "secrets" in a marriage. Very open to interpretation and many variables...depends on the stability of the relationship very, very much!! Depends even more on the level of trust that has been cultivated. That occurs over a long period of time. Interesting point to ponder.

[Anne Gibert]

My first 2 husbands had many affairs and I always knew. I took revenge by having affairs myself. I never told, and they never knew.

My road was higher than theirs.

[Candy]

Secrets are magical...its all in the illusion.