Brazilian Bikini Wax - Take Two

I'm such an idiot sometimes.

This might be a sort of very humiliating story.

I astound even myself sometimes.

Yesterday I went for my second-ever brazilian bikini wax.  (If you haven't read about my first-ever brazilian bikini wax you can do so by clicking here.) 

Prior to my appointment I drank several cups of coffee.  

By the way, don't ever do that.  It doesn't behoove you to drink a pot of coffee just prior to getting a brazilian bikini wax.  Ever.

My waxing salon just moved to a new location.  When I arrived I was greeted by Jackson.

Jackson is a 6 month old Portuguese Water Dog.  (He's the same breed as the Obama dog.)  This was the first time the two of us had met.  Jackson was the only one in the waiting area.  He belongs to the owner of the salon.  He's an adorable puppy and wanted hugs and to play from the moment he saw me.  

Yes, I am a total sucker for puppies.

Within a few seconds Jackson had brought me a big stuffed toy.

I tossed the toy a few feet from my chair and Jackson leaped after it in total joy.  We played for a few more minutes.  I thought Jackson would like it better if I threw the toy far for him.  It was a big waiting area and there was no one there.

I can't throw with my bum right arm so I threw the toy with my left arm.

I shouldn't have done that.  I really, really, should not have done that.  I have absolutely no coordination with my left arm.  The toy did not go where it was supposed to.  No, instead it went somewhere else.  One of the stuffed animal's legs clipped a big hurricane candle holder as it sailed through the air on it's way to somewhere else.

Crash!

Broken glass everywhere!

Jackson cowered from the noise as if he'd been the imbecile who broke the (brand new) salon decor.

I scooted the puppy to safety so he wouldn't walk in the shattered glass as I yelled, "I'm SO sorry!" really loudly.

The owner of the waxing salon walked out and tried to be polite about the fact I'm a societal reject.  I, of course, told her I'd pay for the broken hurricane.  (And I did prior to leaving.)  Nonetheless, I was humiliated and had just pissed off the woman who would be yanking out my pubic hair.

It is never a good idea to piss off the person who will be ripping out your pubes.

She told me to go get undressed while she swept up the broken glass.  

At this point I was not only humiliated but also very flustered.  I'm sure that makes what happened next understandable.

I went into one of the waxing rooms and removed my clothes.  Did I mention the salon just relocated?  Well, they have these new, tall, tables for clients to lay on.  Next to the table is a stepping stool to help you get up on the table.  As the owner was outside sweeping up the mess of broken glass, I attempted to climb onto the table naked from the waist down.  The stepping stool slid on the new, slippery, floors.  It crashed into a floor lamp.  The floor lamp crashed against the window making a loud noise, but neither the lamp nor window broke.  My body went flying onto the table with a huge, loud THUD.

Silence.

"What happened?" she called from outside the door.

"Nothing's broken, I promise," I shouted back.

A minute later she joined me with a skeptical look in her eyes as she glanced around the now dissheveled room.

She began the process of a brazilian bikini wax.

A few minutes later I asked, "Am I peeing on you?"

"What?" she replied aghast.  She quickly removed her hand from my crotch.

At this point, I think she was seriously considering a career change.

I tried to explain.  I drank a pot ton of coffee right before my appointment.  The commotion of the shattered hurricane, almost breaking the floor lamp and window concurrently, and then flying through the air to fall on the table had made me need to pee.  Now I felt something warm ... down there and I thought maybe I had peed without realizing it.

She stared at me.  She stared at my spread eagled display.

"It's just the wax you feel," she said as she questioned my sanity and my control over my bladder simultaneously.

I apologized profusely again.  

She continued ripping the hair out of my lady parts.

I inquired about what Jackson might be doing all by himself out in the waiting area.  She confessed she hoped he wasn't chewing up anything.  In an attempt to be friendly and make amends, I asked her if perhaps Jackson would like to join us.

So you see, it all really makes sense.  

That is exactly how I ended up on a table with my legs spread apart in the air, hot wax on my vagina, and a Portuguese Water Dog licking my hand.

© Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[Be]

This is hysterical. This sounds like one of those days you should just stop and go back to bed. Frankly I would never get out of bed for a day that starts with a "Brazilian bikini wax"

[Deidre]

Wow, just, wo-ow. I am not going to lie to you, it makes PERFECT sense as to why you had a puppy licking your hand while getting waxed.

[Joanne]

after a start like that, I certainly hope you either went home, or started over! and BTW sometimes we question your sanity too , but we still love you.I mean who would cling to every word of a sane normal housewife??

[[email protected]]

Shouldn't this story really begin: If you bring a puppy to work, you're gonna find SOMETHING wrecked...

I think it was really generous of you to pay for the hurricane thingie at this point. AND you were good to her puppy; she should be only saying nice things about you and your bladder!

[Hallie]

You rock. And just think...when you finally do someday lose bladder control, you can blame it ALL on a Water Dog!!

Hallie :)

[Jan]

*shrugs* I'D have peed all over her; I have no bladder control left at all anymore.

You know I love you because you do things that I would do - and I don't have a bum arm. I'd have broken everything in sight using my right hand. Because that's the way I roll.

[di]

My husband has the same pitching arm you do... and that IS his good arm, but whenever he tosses a doggie toy in our house you can bet that a lamp, or my head will be on the receiving end. NO... he's not trying to hit me, he just can't pitch worth a hoot.

And YOU my dear are a total mess. I hope she lets you back in the door in another 4 weeks. LOL

Di

[Alan]

Hmmm...interesting story. Sooo...

uh...

I got nuthin'...

[Linda]

Girl this was not your best day ever *snort!*

[Jenn in Tenn]

Oh My God...Here I am, at work and I am seriously laughing my ass off! Love it! "Am I peeing on you?" lololol.

[Jenny in MN]

Too funny. Thanks for sharing! Not only do you have a great story but the victim of your graceful visit does too. ;-)

Keep up the great writing....you definitely should leave the house daily to see what kind of trouble you can get into.

[Kelly]

OMFG! Snort!
That is exactly how I ended up on a table with my legs spread apart in the air, hot wax on my vagina, and a Portuguese Water Dog licking my hand.

ROFLMAO!

[Shari]

I so would have turned around and walked out after breaking, and paying. I just would have gone home and shaved it. You are brave!

[Michelle Pixie]

You are H.Y.S.T.E.R.I.C.A.L.!! I think if I were you I would give up on the whole waxing idea all together. But if you were me you would beg you not too the comic relief is priceless!

[North County Mike]

I'm wondering if the Obama dog licks Michelle's hand during waxes?

[stephen]

That is way funny. It reminded me of something that happened to me. I got a vasectomy. About 6 weeks later I had to provide a semen sample to the lab to verify that Dr. Humorless had cut the right little thingies in there. I go in, and behind the counter is Nurse Wretched, the Manhater. "Sit Down," she says. The only seat available in the tiny reception area was next to an end table with magazines and a lamp. All other seats occupied by women. When Wretched finally calls my name, I jump up, knock the lamp over, the bulb breaks, and as I bend over to try and pick up things, I inadvertantly stick my ass right in the face of the very large woman who was sitting beside me. She reaches up with 2 fingers and "EWWW" pushes me away. I give up and go hand Wretched my little bottle of hopefully nomomagic potion. Wretched cuts off my mumbled apology with a drill sergeant bark, "MR. ASSHAT, DID YOU COLLECT THIS SEMEN SAMPLE IN A CLEAN STERILE CONTAINER?" I hear laughter behind me. "MR. ASSHAT DID YOU USE A LUBRICANT, OIL OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO COLLECT THIS SAMPLE?" "no," I whispered. Wretched the comedian had them rolling on the floor. I fled in humiliation. At least the vasectomy was a success. steve

[Middle-Aged-Woman]

Oh my. I am speechless, if you can imagine such a thing. And Steve, I really think you should have replied, "NO LUBES, NURSE WRETCHED, I JUST PICTURED YOU THE WHOLE TIME."

[Kate]

Oh.My.Goodness.
Well, on the bright side - at least it was a very cute Portuguese water dog licking your hand!
LOL

[The Queen of Chaos]

... so was it as painful the second time??

ROFLMAO!!

[Southern Web Girl Kristen]

What a cute puppy! I would let him hang out with me while I was getting waxed too. (c;

[Kim @ Beautiful Wreck]

omy!!! LMAO... I should have peed before I read this.

[stephanie]

Hilarious! I really feel better about my day now. I mean, it was a bad one, but it just doesn't compare to this...

[Kristen]

This is officially my favorite post ever from you.

The end.

[Carol S.]

THAT was hysterical. I don't laugh out loud often on the computer, but this one did it. I needed a giggle (knee deep in reluctant fifth grade son science test preparation, social studies quiz I need to sign is nowhere to be seen, and he keeps mentioning large projects for different subjects that need to be completed this evening). Deep sigh. Thanks.

[dogmother]

What the hell do they expect when there's a puppy around? I can't believe she actually accepted your money for the broken item. I bet that puppy wished it could go home with you and have some fun!! This was absolutley hysterical. I hope you didn't hurt your shoulder when you fell onto the table.

[jessica]

this is a scene out of a very funny movie. oh and remind me to never go for a career in waxing.

[Sarah]

Holy ... cow? Briefcase needs to work in another trip to HI for you with the cash from the refi!! You've earned it!

[Sandra]

Do you have producers banging on your door yet wanting to follow you with a camera?

[Lorna Harris]

oh my god. Please turn all of this into a film. It needs to be done.

[Lori]

Hilareous! LOL! I can hardly wait to hear about your 3rd time!

[Life with Kaishon]

Oh my gosh. This is too funny for words : ) You are hilarious! I wondered, after the President got his dog, if there would be a big demand on those kinds of dogs. It looks very friendly : )

[tea]

LOL
Thanks for making me laugh this morning!
I agree, this needs to be added into a scene from a movie!

tea
xo