The Shrink's Wife

I have a friend who lives in Money Town.  She has a situation going on in her marriage which has caused her a lot of frustration.  We talked about it at length and she agreed to let me share the circumstances with you.  She's curious to see what perspective my readers might have.

Her husband is a professional.  For the purpose of today's post we will say he's a psychologist.  He's really not a psychologist but this is my small attempt to disguise their identities.  Please don't email me and say, "A shrink should know better."  He's not a shrink.  I'm just calling him one for today.

Mr. Shrink is very successful.  He and his wife have been married "forever" and have a nice home in Money Town.  They've raised two kids who are now in young adulthood.  Mr. Shrink is older than Mrs. Shrink.  I don't know if that's a significant detail or not.  Mrs. Shrink is not a young twenty year old trophy wife, but Mr. Shrink does have at least ten years on his wife.

About eight years ago Mr. Shrink brought someone new into his business.  He needed help and he hired a young professional to work with him.  We will call her Ms. Intruder.  At the time she was hired, Ms. Intruder was only in her late twenties.  Ms. Intruder is not, and has never been, married.  Over the last eight years, Ms. Intruder has gradually become more and more entrenched in Mr. Shrink's business.  In fact, Ms. Intruder is now a full partner.

Yes, in only eight years Ms. Intruder has become a partner in the business Mr. Shrink spent his entire adult life building.

In the entire eight years she's worked with Mr. Shrink, Ms. Intruder has not had a romantic relationship to speak of with anyone of either sex.  At least, that is what Ms. Intruder says publicly.  Ms. Intruder is now well into her thirties.

Mrs. Shrink is disturbed by the friendship that has developed between Ms. Intruder and Mr. Shrink.  The two business partners have become best friends.  Mr. Shrink has also become friends with, and entrenched in, Ms. Intruder's family.  He's even attended weddings of Intruder family members.  Mr. Shrink doesn't take his wife, Mrs. Shrink, with him to these Intruder family events.

Mr. Shrink and Ms. Intruder regularly exclude Mrs. Shrink from the time they spend together.

As an example, whenever there is a birthday in the office, the entire office goes out to dinner together to celebrate.  They don't do this right after work, but instead - they schedule the event on a Saturday night.  Ms. Intruder often brings her sister or family members along to join in on the celebration but Mrs. Shrink is not invited.  Ever.  She spends her Saturday night alone at home, or makes plans with a girlfriend instead.  She's, understandably, not happy about being excluded.

It's okay for Ms. Intruder to bring others (never a date) to these celebrations, but Mr. Shrink and Ms. Intruder always exclude Mrs. Shrink.

Mrs. Shrink is convinced Mr. Shrink and Ms. Intruder are not romantically involved.

Is Mr. Shrink just thoughtless?  Clearly he's disrespectful of his wife's feelings because he's quite aware of her unhappiness over the situation.  Is Mrs. Shrink kidding herself about a romance between her husband and Ms. Intruder?

As the years have progressed, these birthday dinners and celebrations have escalated.  Now, they've turned into full day events.  Mr. Shrink and Ms. Intruder will disappear on a Saturday and spend the entire day away at an event in Los Angeles or some other such thing.  One time Mr. Shrink even booked a hotel room and spent the night saying he didn't want to drive home late at night after drinking.

Mr. Shrink tells his wife other people are with him and Ms. Intruder at these events.  He also told her Ms. Intruder went home and did not spend the night at the same hotel on the one occasion he didn't come home until the next day.

Mrs. Shrink feels angry, resentful and hurt at her husband's behavior.  He makes no indication of changing.  In fact, he's not willing to even consider changing the situation at all.  Mrs. Shrink is in her fifties and has spent her entire adult life married to Mr. Shrink, raised two children with him, and doesn't want the marriage to end.

Thoughts?

© Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[The Queen of Chaos]

Wow what a crazy situation. She's allowed this to continue for 8 years?

She has options, accept it and move on; hire a Private Detective (there's a TV show that does this too ~ Cheaters ~ not that I've watched it ~ nope!), Speak to a counselor ...

I think his actions are wrong, just plain and simple wrong.

[Helena]

It sounds like Mrs Shrink is in denial when she says she's certain her husband and the Intruder are not romantically involved. All the classic signs are there... spending an unnatural amount of time with the female partner of the firm and the wife is never invited, attending do's at weekends AND the hotel room. It must be very hard when you have been married for many years to want to realise that your husband is cheating on you. How to find out though? I don't know. It's not as if he's going to own up to it, is it? The whole situation is very disrespectful of him.

[yvonne nc]

Sorry but your friend needs to get her head out of the sand. Looks like a skunk, acts like a skunk, smells like a skunk, it's a skunk. At the least he's putting his and his "partner's" feelings above hers. That above all else should show her what he thinks about her. Not much.
Why should he change the situation? He has what he wants.

[Tennessee]

Wow. What does he say when she asks to go along or be included in these events? What is his attitude about it? I would watch his attitude towards Ms. Intruder (to see if he is affectionate/kind to her) and have him followed/watched on one of those excursions. Behavior doesn't lie even when people try to fake it. It would be my belief that he is having an inappropriate relationship. That entire situation is NOT normal.

[Marlee]

That is just wrong, wrong, wrong, and Mrs. Shrink needs to pull her head out of the sand. I had less than that to go on when I thought my ex was cheating on me and I was right. I feel really bad for her, it is an awful thing to go through.

Either way he is very disrespectful to her and their marriage and she doesn't deserve to be treated that way.

(((Mrs.Shrink)))

[di]

I smell an affair and Mrs. Shrink is completely stupid not to smell it as well. Maybe she just really likes the money Mr. Shrink makes. She needs to find a sweetheart herself or get out and move on with her life. Life is only as confusing as we make it you know. (Love the idea of hiring a detective too to take some photos perhaps?)

[Hallie]

Ouch. Not good. At all. If a leopard shows you his spots, what more proof do you need?

Not judging here cuz I'm not the one in the situation....but...I'd be kicking his ass to the curb (after getting real proof of the affair) and letting him pay for his long standing "friendship."

Whatever happens, I'm sorry to hear of anyone having to deal with this kind of situation.

Hallie

[Jan]

Mrs. Shrink is living in La-La Land if she thinks Mr. Shrink and Ms. Intruder aren't doing the horizontal bop.

I bet if Mrs. Shrink spoke with one of Ms. Intruder's friends or family, she'd find out that these people think Mrs. Shrink is 1) a frigid shrew 2) having her own little ho-down with a third party 3) mentally and/or physically incompetent 4) all of the above. I'd be very interested in hearing what happens if Mrs. Shrink just showed up at one of these "all day" events. In fact, I'm amazed she hasn't.

Mrs. Shrink needs to throw the bum out and get on with her life. Perhaps meet someone who doesn't lie like a rug every time he turns around.

[Maureen@IslandRoar]

Yeah, pretty in sync with all the above comments. She's in denial, and maybe she wants to stay there, in which case nothing anybody says will make a mark. Maybe the financial deal of splitting is too scary. So then she should talk to a lawyer, just to see what shape she'd be in, before she decides whether or not to confront him.
She obviously knows it's wrong, and he obviously doesn't care. She either moves on in some way while continuing to ignore it, or she tells him the buck stops here.
He's really being an obnoxious jerk. But she's letting him, and she's worth more.

[Donna in VA]

Oh yeah! There's definitely something stinky in Denmark! How MANY signs does Mrs Shrink need?
I think I'm with the majority here. . . a detective to get the real dirt, then a handsome divorce settlement. But that's just me.

[Pam]

Poor, poor blinder-wearing Mrs. Shrink. Don't waste money on hiring a detective. He's guilty. No judge or jury needed here to figure that one out. 8 years of denial... shame on Mrs. Shrink for the 1st year, shame on Mr. Shrink for the next 7. Get a lawyer. Take the business, take the home... for God's sake take back your dignity. Say prayers for Ms. Intruder. She's been living with blinders on as well. *sheesh* The biggest LOSER here is Mr. Shrink.

[Kelly]

My heart breaks for Mrs. Shrink. She doesn't want to see the truth and I don't blame her. Even if Mr. Shrink has not had sex with Mis Intruder (and I'm guessing he has) he is at minimum having an emotional affair. His respect for his wife is at the zero level. She deserves more. She deserves a lot more. It stops by quitting the denial, taking a big breath of self esteem and self respect and putting her foot down.

[michele]

looks like a duck, walks like a duck, sounds like a duck....

I agree with the other posts but again I am not the Mrs so I am trying not to judge. However even if there is no physical hanky panky, like kelly said it is emotional and any energy given to the emotional relationship is less that the Mrs is getting. Be prepared however for the results when you open this can of worms. Good luck!!!

[Kristan]

Wow, so I'm in the minority again. (Last time with the "are affairs okay?" post.)

I feel like the natural tendency is to be suspicious, so if Mrs. Shrink really doesn't think that they are romantically involved, I have to think she's got reasons for that.

That said, I do think a private investigator might help determine the nature of their relationship one way or another.

THAT said, I know I would hate having to hire a private investigator. It's like, once you get to that point, clearly the trust is already shot, so what difference does it make?

So I guess what I'm saying is, if she still trusts him and is simply unhappy, then THAT'S the problem they have to address. (If she's unhappy AND doesn't trust him, then they have bigger problems.) Counseling might be in order (either way).

But if Mr. Shrink isn't willing at all to work on their problems, then I'm afraid Mrs. Shrink's options are limited: acceptance, or refusal.

Also, there doesn't seem to be much of a relationship between Mrs. Shrink and Ms. Intruder, but perhaps Mrs. Shrink could try talking to Ms. Intruder about some of these issues. I'm not saying I think Ms. Intruder is oblivious to them, BUT a lot of people will let things slide until they are specifically asked to face them.

[Diamonique]

At best they are having an emotional affaire... at worst a physical one. And none of them are a good thing. I think Mrs need to put her foot down and not allow him to treat her that way. He need to chose....but after 8 years I would personally ask for a divorce. He definatly do not care about her happiness because he knows how she feel about it. It is so sad!!! I do not wish this on any woman.

[Andrea/ShutterBitch]

I think there's something more going on. He clearly doesn't care as much about his wife's feelings as he does his partner's feelings.

Were I Mrs. Shrink, I believe I'd hire a private detective to get the truth of the matter. If nothing panned out, I'd demand marriage counseling with my husband. If he refused, then I'd know he didn't give a hoot about the marriage, and even if I didn't want it to end, I wouldn't want to stay in a marriage with someone that didn't value it (or me) at all.

[Cari]

At best she's married to an arrogant, selfish man who doesn't care about her feelings or happiness. Why would she want to stay in that situation? No woman deserves this little from her spouse.

[Liz C]

I'm one of those tho believes an emotional affair is still an affair. Sex or not, his energy and interest is being spent on someone other than his wife.

What should she do? I have no idea, but what she's doing now (nothing, and resenting the hell out of it) isn't going to work forever.

[Kay]

Definitely something is going on between those two that is not right or fair to Mrs. Shrink. She should not put up with it any longer and needs to call him on it. And I agree with an above comment to just show up to one of those "all day" weekend things. The look on their faces would be priceless I'm sure!

[Michelle Pixie]

Unfortunately I think she is in denial. Something is definitely happing between the two and she just needs to decide what she's going to accept in her life. She's been allowing this behavior to happen over the last 8 years and if she isn't okay with it she needs to take the reigns and stop it now. Decide how much of the details you want to know and get to the bottom of it or not, but in your heart you know. You just need to admit it to yourself and not allow him to treat you this way any longer. Stop being afraid of being alone because it sounds like the situation you are in is far more lonely then actually being on your own!

[Sandra]

" because he's quite aware of her unhappiness over the situation."
What was his response??

I can't say for sure that there is anything physical between them but emotionally he's getting something.

[Jack]

Something is going on. We can't say that they are having a sexual affair without proof. An emotional affair is definitely possible, more than that who knows.

The question here is not what we find acceptable but what Mrs. Shrink finds acceptable. If she is willing to go along with her husband's actions, no worries.

But if she is truly unhappy than she needs to take other steps.

Incidentally, the partner in the business thing doesn't make me think one thing or another. Eight years is a decent chunk of time. We don't know how much she is contributing. If she generates enough revenue it might make sense to do something to keep her on board.

[Karen]

I feel so sorry for your friend. A physical or an emotional affair doesn't even come into play here as far as I am concerned. I can't believe that for the last 8 years this man has been excluding his wife this way, what a cold selfish man. Why does she put up with this? I don't understand, but everyone has their own lives and reasons for putting up with things.

If she doesn't want her marriage to end, she needs to take steps now. Make sure he knows how hurtful this is to her, maybe see someone. If he refuses to change or even make an effort, the marriage is probably already over. You friend needs to decide how much she is willing to take and live with.

[Linda Tustin]

I say dump his ass and make him pay. Bastard. He is aware but doesn't care how she feels? She deserves better and she's obviously not going to get any better from him. At the very least tell him that he must go to counseling or she will leave and see what he says. Life is WAY TOO SHORT to stay married to someone who is abusive and thats just how I see it.

[Debrabby]

Clearly there is something wrong with this interaction. I understand that wealthy successful men (and women) think differently than us "mere mortals". They seem to be able to throw things to the curb much easier and also their sense of entitlement is far greater. When reading the beginnings of this "relationship" with Ms.Intruder I got the feeling that Mr.Shrink respected her and increasingly disrepected his wife. He seems to have some type of relationship with Ms.Intruder and if the wife isn't happy with it, then she needs to change HER situation. It's obvious she can't change him or Ms.Intruder. So what is she going to do to change HER situation. Hire a detective (money isn't an issue) and find out what the real story is and then change HER situation for what's best for her.

[Domestic Spaz]

I think Mrs. Shrink probably knows what's going on and would rather stick her head in the sand than change the life she's become accustomed to.

I have to wonder what the Shrink kids think of all of it.

I nominated you for a bloggy award at my blog. :)

[stephen]

Mr. Shrink and Ms. Intruder are are having sex. Period. What other reason could there be for excluding Mrs. Shrink? Mrs. Shrink should hire a private investigator and a divorce attorney. Nobody, including Mrs. Shrink deserves to be treated like second class pond scum. This isn't some little infrequent indiscretion. This is abandonment. Emotional and physical. The only negative thing I will say about Mrs. Shrink is that I believe she must have some self esteem issues. Otherwise, why the doormat acquiesence. Dump him, get half, move on and seek out the company of others who raise you up. steve

[BeautifulWreck]

Mrs. Shrink's husband is having an affair with Ms. Intruder. In fact I am fairly certain that its been going on for a long time. Sadly its not about the sex, its a relationship, one that her husband cherishes and wishes to preserve which is why she is a partner in the business and he is so entrenched in her family life. Why should the other woman date anyone else, she has the love, devotion, and financial stability of Mr. Shrink. Let's be honest here. Call it like its seen.

Sadly, this happened to a woman that I used to baby sit for. I hinted for some time that her husband and his secretary, then later made partner in his business, were more than just business associates much less friends. She too wanted to stay married so turned her head and lived in denial. He left her eventually in the worst possible way. He planned it. It was calculated. He is still with the woman and its been nearly twenty years since their divorce.

Your friend doesn't need to be a fool or let her heart rule her head. I hope she seeks emotional and legal help ASAP because this is a train wreck.

[jessica]

An affair. Even if it's just an emotional one, it's an affair but I have to say I think the guy has crossed the line. Please tell her she needs to move on. See if he will go to counseling and if not tell her to go anyway. This woman deserves a hell of a lot more than this man is giving her

[san]

What does Mrs Shrink say about the rest of their relationship? Is he still acting like an attentive husband WHEN he is around? Does he play the friendship with his female partner down or does he admit that it is an important relationship to him?

Either way, if Mrs Shrink is bothered by the relationship the two share and the extended amount of time that they spend together, she needs to make a decision (she shouldn't have let that go on for 8 years in the first place, but that's a completely different story).

She should insist the next time to accompany her husband to the event and see what he does/says.
If he refuses to take her than CLEARLY something's up... I still don't understand how Mrs Shrink could just obey to her husband's "orders" to stay home.

[jen]

I have to agree with most of the posters here. Either accept it or get the proof and get the $$.

[Paris Parfait]

Sounds like Mrs. Shrink does not want to face the fact that her husband may well be having an affair with the Intruder. Whatever is going on, his cruel and thoughtless behaviour is unfair to Mrs. Shrink. She should not have to put up with such emotional abuse. I think if she insisted on accompanying her husband to some of these events, she'll get a clearer picture of what's going on. Wishing her the best of luck and courage to move forward, no matter the situation.

[NeCole@Eclectic Ecstasy]

Hopefully she didn't sign a pre-nup. Tell her to hire a divorce attorney.

[kathygee1]

If he's not having an affair (emotional or physical) he is treating her like garbage! Either way, NOT ACCEPTABLE. Get help via counseling and get out. Would anyone want to live like this for the rest of their life?

[Carol S.]

Wow,a very bad situation. How did it get to this? We have work functions a few times a year right after work for just employees (part of the intent is team building). Every few years there is an employee dinner with spouses. So on the surface, I understand a bit of the non-spouse thing, but this story goes to a whole new level. If my husband had a friend or work associate of the opposite sex that he regularly interacted with WITHOUT me, I wouldn't accept it. Keep us posted here.

[dogmother]

Ummm, hello, Mrs. Shrink?

[Tracy Davis]

Ummm yeah.. this screams affair.

[Chicky* baby]

I'm sorry to put it this way but what more do Mrs. Shrink want for the chick to show up pregnant? Seriously you know what is going on. Please move on.... AFTER you show up at one of these little functions.. That would be fun. Watch them squirm.

[clara]

Of course, they are having an affair...more than an affair at this point...it's a full-blown loving relationship.

[Stacey]

That's messed up.

[Sarah]

Without having read any of the comments except the one above, (that IS messed up!) I'd say the detail of whether or not a physical relationship exists between Mr. Shrink and Ms. Intruder is neither here nor there. I wouldn't be ok with Mr. Shrink spending that kind of EXCLUSIONARY time with ANYONE were he my husband. Thoughtless and disrespectful are sugar-coating it. If it's mere thoughtlessness, and if he sees the pain he's causing her, he'll willingly change the circumstances. If he tries to justify it, as it sounds like he's doing, then I'd say his worthlessness knows no bounds.

If she asks him to change things, and he doesn't, I'd say her options were to keep (and essentially accept) the marriage as is, or leave it. I hope she leaves. No one deserves what she's putting up with, to love someone who feels free to publicly trivialize her very existence.

[Lexi - @laprimera]

Time for Mrs. Shrink to lay her marriage on the line and speak up for herself. It could end badly i.e. separation/divorce. But would she rather live the rest of her life this way?

This is no way to have a marriage. Regardless of the very real probability of a physical affair. He is definitely cheating on the relationship by excluding her from such an active part of his life.