The Unspoken Coffee Cup War

If you've never been married, or if you've been married only a few years, you may find today's post puzzling.  Possibly, you'll find today's post horrifying.  I don't write about my own marriage ever often, but today I'm making an exception.

I've been married for an eternity.  The dynamics of a relationship change a lot over the course of a bazillion years together.  Cohabiting becomes a bit routine.  

Predictable.  

Partners have their roles.  

Expectations exist.

Wars break out.

For three years now, Briefcase and I have been having a silent, but very serious war over a red coffee cup.  To be more specific, it's my red coffee cup.  It's an old Starbucks cup and it's more insulated than any cup they've put on the market since.  It keeps my coffee hot for hours upon hours and I love my red coffee cup.

Please don't even think about suggesting I replace my favorite cup.  I'm emotionally attached to The Red Cup.

The Red Cup has to be handwashed.  It can't be put in the dishwasher.

And therein, begins the war.

Let me back up just a little.  Briefcase has a job which requires a lot of travel.  He's been gone a lot over the years.  I often think his travel is similar to what a military wife faces.  When he's gone, I, of course, do absolutely everything for our house, kids, life.  I am like a widow and a single mom of three rolled into one.

Commence with the violin playing now.

However, when Briefcase is home he's very good about helping out.  He doesn't cook, but if I fix dinner he generally does the evening dishes. 

It's our very own unwritten contract.

I cook dinner.  He washes the dishes after dinner.

Except for one thing ...

He won't wash my red coffee cup.

I use that cup all day.  At the end of the day I set it in our sink to be washed.  When Briefcase travels, I think nothing of it.  I hand wash it each night when I do all the other evening dishes.  It takes less than thirty seconds and then it's ready to be reused in the morning.

If I do the dinner dishes when Briefcase is home, I wash (surprise!)  ALL OF THE DISHES!  Even his!  However, when Briefcase is home, he takes care of the evening dishes the majority of nights.

Except ... he always leaves The Red Cup sitting in the sink unwashed.

Over, and over, and over, again.

War!

With my vast psychological expertise (after all, I did take psych 101 in college), I've decided Briefcase is exhibiting classic passive-aggressive behavior.  I've even explained his passive-aggressive behavior to him.  I'm quite sure he appreciated my insight into his psyche. 

I've approached the whole subject of The Red Cup with different strategies.  I've tried washing it myself.  The problem with that is - it breaks our unwritten contract!  He's supposed to do the dishes when he's home and I cook.  I'm very law abiding and I'm just not comfortable breaking our contract.

I've left The Red Cup in the sink to see how many days Briefcase will wash every dish except for it.  (The answer is ... many, many, more days than I can handle watching it sit in the sink.)  

I've even threatened to wash all the laundry except for his, just like he washes all the dishes except for my cup.  I might need to carry through with my laundry threat soon if things don't change.

I'm not asking for your advice or a solution.  No, I figure sooner or later The War Over The Red Cup will come to an end one way or the other.  (Briefcase is probably going to destroy that cup while I'm sleeping one night!)  The War Over The Red Cup has only been going on for three years now, and as wars go, I suppose it's not long at all.

Instead, I'd like to know what The Red Cup issue is in your house?  What does your spouse or partner do that drives you crazy?

© Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[Jack]

Our red cup issue? Hmm...She doesn't like putting the knives in the dishwasher, says that they come out spotty. I disagree.

So if I do the dishes I put them in, unless of course she visits the sink while I am there. She never says not to do it, but I know what she is thinking.

And like a good husband I listen to her wishes. I just don't wash the knives. I let them sit. They either go in the dishwasher or they don't get washed by me.

Yes, it is silly, but we all have our silliness.

[TravelSkite]

The electric toothbrush. He leaves his brush attached to the base unit instead of taking if off and putting it in the holder with mine. Worse, he doesn't rinse it off properly, and leaves it sitting in a pool of toothpasty gunge. So, and I've told him this is what will happen every time, when I come to clean my teeth and his brush is still on the unit, I use it to clean around the tap before I take it off. Me, I take no prisoners.

[Deidre]

My old housemate and I had issues. She thought putting bubble wrap on the counter was the same as washing it down with a sponge...I, naturally, thought she was a lunatic.

[Irish Gumbo]

Maybe he is color blind to red? Does he have a favorite hat or old, funky pair of sneakers that have a "patina"? If so, try washing that, see if it gets his attention. Heh.

[Jan]

My pots and pans, especially my cast iron, do not go into the dishwasher (in fact, I've been known to beat my offspring about the head and neck with a wooden spoon for putting soap on my cast iron). Beloved is very good about my rules for washing the pots and pans. Unfortunately, he is an A Type if there ever was one and has carried this over to all of my measuring cups, measuring spoons, etc. Which is fine if he wants to do all that hand washing, but The Young One and I get stuck drying it all. Which, again, is fine but when WE do the dishes we tend to stick the measuring implements in the dishwasher - and he yells at us.

I once asked him what the damn difference it made, and he said putting that stuff in the dishwasher rubs the measurements off of the cups and spoons so no one can tell the teaspoon from the tablespoon or the 1/2 cup from the 1/3 cup. I just stared at him like he'd lost his mind, so he said, "Well, YOU might be able to tell them apart, but *I* can't! What about when *I* cook?"

At that point I just turned around and walked away. I'll let him continue to hand-wash the damn measuring implements - God knows we wouldn't want him to be confused the two whole days every year when he actually cooks. Of course, I've never had to measure a steak and baked potato, but you never know - he might.

[stoneskin]

Crumbs, this is serious.

I suspect that the red cup issue could have been caused by something you said once. Take this, for example.

We've been married 5 years. I play football (soccer) most weeks in a lunch break, and come home with a grotty, sweaty pile of gear. In our first year of marriage (probably six months in or so) I came home, stuffed my yukky gear in the washing machine and started the wash.

My wife came to me. "Did you put a wash on?" "Err, yeah, my footy gear." "I had other washing I was about to put on. Now you've interrupted my washing schedule." She pretty much said "don't put a load on because I take care of the washing".

For me that was gospel. I have a simple mind, I just remember things and file them, so I was to NEVER put my footy stuff on in the wash when I get home. For the next 4 years I would just place my yukky stuff in a plastic bag in the laundry basket, always remembering the incident and always thinking that was what she wanted to do. I actually thought I was being helpful by not putting the load on..

Four years later, four years!, she complains about the fact that I don't sort out the washing of my own football stuff.

Women.

When I explained we laughed about it.

Any chance you gave Briefcase the impression you didn't want him to wash that red cup - too precious or something?

[Carol S.]

My husband smokes (outside, but still...) Now THAT'S an issue. Try living with that for twenty years.

[di]

Oh gawd... the bathroom the bathroom the bathroom... WILL NOT go into specifics but sh*t. He can be such a *snort snort* PIG. I hate it.

Also the dishwasher. I load all coffee cups on one side of the top and all the glasses on the other side of the top. Makes it much easier when I go to unload and put things away. *don't call me anal, okay* He puts plates in left, right, never orderly all in a nice neat row.

Always has to have a finger nail file on table next to his recliner. Can't he file his nails in the bathroom? Oh, that's right.. the bathroom is already a mess so why not just file the nails in the family room. GAH.

Could go on but will leave it to your imagination.

Oh, and has Briefcase stated why he won't wash the cup? Men... They're all passive aggressive. Pffttt.

Hugs,
The Maid

[Donna in VA]

Well, I don't have a spouse, but I have a similar issue with my oldest boy. He works only a mile down the road from my house, so he stops by alot. It's close, convenient and he's usually curious if I have anything delicious in the fridge. Well, every single time he comes over, he leaves a drinking glass on my counter next to the sink. He won't put it IN the sink, much less in the dishwasher.
We've had this battle for years now. He says that I should just leave it there because he uses it every time he visits. I tell him that I don't want it decorating my countertop every day, especially since it's not MY glass. I'm constantly washing it and putting it away, and that makes HIM crazy.

I just don't GET why it's SO much more convenient for him to locate his glass on top of the counter rather than open the cupboard to find it. Grrrr!

I fully understand your plight. . . and I'm not even married.

[Libby]

Unbelieveable. My husband does the exact same thing with my coffee cup. It's the only one I will use. We don't have a dishwasher so all dishes are done by hand. When he washes dishes, he will wash everything but my coffee cup. When I come home from work all the dishes are in the drain, but my coffee cup is on the counter. Dirty. Good luck with your war. I gave up.

[Linda]

Mine will take his dishes to the sink and even rinse them. And leave them aside the sink. Right above the dishwasher! Hello! Open that bad boy up, bend over and insert dishes thankyouverymuch! Gaaa! Makes me nuts!

[Pseudo]

You could just hit him upside the head with the unwashed cup...

[Alan]

For us, it's the pans. I generally put all the dishes in the dishwasher but I'll let the pans soak. My wife doesn't like that. She wants them done NOW. So she does them. And then bitches to me about it. And I just chuckle silently to myself and go about my business...LOL

[Barrie Summy]

Before washing an apple, my dh takes off the little sticker and STICKS IT TO THE SIDE OF THE SINK. And, of course, leaves it there! He won't change. I've several times. One of these mornings, he'll wake up with his eyelids stickered shut. :)

[LPC]

But what does HE say about why?

[san]

LPC asked the question I wanted to ask: WHY doesn't your husband wash your mug? Did he say?

[Liz C]

Ha! The minute you said 'dishes' I knew exactly what was coming next. :)

I was married for 27 years and even though we got along OK on the surface, I can't even begin to list our passive-aggressive wars. Which is why we're no longer married.

Now I'm three years in to a new relationship (I know, still honeymooning!) and I'm trying to keep a much more open mind this time around. There are a few random things Mr B doesn't do, or doesn't do the way i prefer them done, but I chalk it up to living as a single male most of his life. Overall he's a pretty good sport about it, but I have to tread carefully - if he even smells me thinking about bossing him, his hackles raise.

Oh, so much fun starting over. I swore I never would but here I am. Can't help it. He's too damned cute!

[The Queen of Chaos]

Ugh .. men ... 'nuff said.

[Fragrant Liar]

I am currently in a state of nonmarital bliss with the new guy, so we have nothing like this. I expect that, as perfect as everything is now, we will NEVER have a red cup issue.

Heh, heh. Just seeing if you were paying attention.

[Sandra]

Any wars we have are probably him against me. I have a favorite wine glass but at least he washes it for me. I'm more lax than my dh. It happened over time but he's become anal about cleaning and he openenly admits it. My dh is anal about washing and drying the dishes the same night. If I do the dishes they sit in the rack until he puts them away or until I need more room for the next batch. I love my dishwasher. USe.The.Dishwashter. He will wash it rather than using the dishwasher.
I like certain pans to soak. Especially the slow cooker. He insists on washing and drying everything right then. Fine, if you want to spend twice as long scrubbing.

[jen]

Trash. we have trash wars. he will literally put an empty milk gallon on top of the trash instead of taking it out. Or just start a "side-bag". Are you kidding me? The dumpster is 20 feet out back.

[Kari-Mel]

We have a "junk room" that is SUPPOSED to be my new bathroom but illness got in the way. When he puts things away, he drops them RIGHT inside the door to that room so you can't get to what you inevetibly (I give up on spelling that right) need because of the mountain you have to climb to get in there. This also applies to the shed in the back yard. I give up! It's been 5 years and there's been NO change!

But oh how I love the man!

[Michelle Pixie]

Our red cup issue changes depending on the mood (generally my mood) usually my red cup issue is that he is just one of the kids & from time to time I need him to be the grown-up. This past Friday however it became a whole different issue... My oldest had a b-day party in town & rather than driving all the way back home to make another trip into town later in the evening my other kiddos & I decided to meet up with Dad at work & go out to dinner. Well rather then driving two cars to dinner we took mine and left his at the office. When it was time to get my oldest from the party I took his car to pick her up while he took the other two girls home. He stopped by his car in the empty parking lot dropped me off & took off. Who Does That?! He didn't even make sure I got into the car before he left. So I have gotten a lot of mileage out of teasing him this weekend letting him know he's damn lucky nobody stole me!

[dadshouse]

I know you don't want a solution - but why don't you just wash your red cup yourself, and leave the other dishes to him? War over.

But I'm a peace lover like that.

[jennifer, playgroups are no place for children]

Our red cup issue(S) could fit neatly into a 5000 page novel, so I'm not sure where to begin.

My husband doesn't appear to know where the dishwasher actually is. He forgets, or something, I guess. When he's in charge of dishes, about 50% of the dishes make it in, the other 50% are either left in the sink, on the stove, or on the table.

We've discussed this at length.

He does apparently remember the location of said dishwasher when there's a tupperware container and lid to be washed. He always place the container and lid on the bottom where it gets too hot, warps the lid and renders it useless.

We've also discussed this at length.

Closets are also tricky for my husband. Sometimes he's able to help his clothes, shoes, socks, etc find their way inside, but usually he leaves things in piles around the house. He's even told me that he does that because he knows I'll eventually pick it all up because it bugs me so much.

I'm saving the rest of the chapters for my book.

[Paris Parfait]

Oh, my. That does seem passive-aggressive. And here's another example: my husband will not stop playing a computer game until he's ready, even if I tell him I haven't eaten lunch and need him to make dinner NOW (he's the chef; I do the dishes). Even if I tell him I'm feeling nauseous and dizzy, he will not get up and start cooking, until he has finished that game of solitaire or maybe even another. If I am sitting at the computer and he or my daughter say they want something to eat or need something, I will stop what I'm doing right away to accommodate the request(s). I think it's a control issue. And possibly an (unconsciously) hostile one. Sigh.

[Joanne]

I think he is afraid to touch the Holy grail of coffee cups. I would be. Just imagine the jihad that would take place if he B-R-O-K-E it. Try to look at it this way, he would rather take the flack ,than run the risk of breaking your favorite cup. (just a thought!)but what do I know, My cup sits in the sink for days too, I live alone. I use it, and wash when I get to it

[Issa]

I won't even touch the douchenozzle's comment up there. Some people just suck. There has to be a way to block.

We have a lot of these. Oh the joys of marriage. One is over a coffee cup though. A freaking Disney mug that I bought like 8 years ago. I use it for everything. My thing is, I don't want anyone else to use it. Because I'm afraid it will get broken. He always tries to use it and it makes me insane. (it's like the perfect size mug. I love it.)

Hey, are you feeling any better? Lungs clearer?

[Twenty Four At Heart]

I have deleted a TROLL comment. First time I've ever deleted a comment, but since it added nothing to the conversation I've wiped it out.

[Jack]

Johnny Appleseed,

It takes a special kind of stupid to leave the kind of comment you just did. I have had a long day so I am happy to invite you to come haunt my house. I need a troll to hide beneath my bridge for a while.

Do you charge an hourly rate or can I pay you in cans of Budweiser and SPAM. Damn, if you are going to try and insult someone can't you do a proper job, freaking amateur.

[Jess]

In our house it has to be the counter top/toaster oven crumbs...and the toilet...oh yah, and the vacuum technique...did I mention the dishwasher?

I'm anal retentive and super OCD about everything has a place and a position and a neatness it deserves and I go haywire if one (or all three) are neglected. Why must I be so particular?!

Don't even get me started on how to break down a cereal box to create a more efficient recycling receptacle instead of tossing it atop the four other fully erected cereal boxes. Uh.....

[johnny appleseed]

this comment has been deleted

[avasmommy]

*sigh*

It's really too bad that when school lets out all the 12 year olds have nothing better to do than practice their stupidity on other people's blogs. From the look of it, education in this country certainly isn't what it used to be.

[johnny appleseed]

This comment has been deleted.

[Jack]

Johnny,

You are a second rate hack. Is that the best you have got, to insinuate that I am gay. Gee, me and my fragile male ego are really hurt.

If I knew your address I'd send you a couple of bucks to use at the local bookstore to pick up a copy of Insults for Dummies. You know, the yellow books that they sell to over achievers like yourself.

Since I am a 5 year-old trapped in a man's body I kind enjoy this sort of witty repartee. But, this isn't my blog, so I'll refrain from making this much longer.

P.S. I typed this slowly so that you could keep up.

P.P.S. I love you and need you. My masculinity cries out for you. See you around the blogosphere.

[Mike Krause]

Hey! Let's all sit down with a brewski and talk it out…You know, Obama-style

[Allyson/@HBMomof2]

I know a place that Johnny could stick an apple.

Back to topic: Our Red Cup issue is the lights in the bathroom and full laundry baskets. Every morning my husband gets up early and takes his shower. When he does, he must have EVERY SINGLE light on in the bathroom. I understand that he is now at the age that he has hairs in places that he needs to see, but it is damn hot when I finally get in there a half hour later. I walk in every morning and turn off the lights. (Often loudly.) I even tweeted about it one morning and he still didn't get the hint. I thought about telling him, but would it solve anything? IDK.

Secondly, this man could walk by full laundry baskets (with clean clothes) for weeks and never notice. I am sure when he runs out of underwear that he would never think to look in a basket, but would choose to purchase new ones or go commando. I mean honestly, am I supposed to look up from a computer screen to get the laundry done? Yeah, I didn't think so.

[Be]

The bath mat! The freaking bath mat. It does NOT dry better laying on the floor. It's 18" away to hang in on the side of the tub.

Besides if you walk on it too much you will wear the label off of it and then how in the hell would I know which way is up?

[WebSavyMom]

If laundry goes into the dirty clothes inside out, it gets laundered folded/hung and returned inside out.

I suggest not washing his favorite item too.

http://www.WebSavyMom.com

[ballerinatoes]

Hey Libby! I don't have a dishwasher either! Hand-washers of the world, unite! (I have a historic little bungalow house, technically, we could put one in, but it would case major disruption to the rest of my little kitchen, which I dearly love.)

24 - Our red cup issue? Our sweet baby dog, if left at home too long, picks all the tissues out of the bathroom trash and shreds it all over the bathroom. And who picks it up? ME! I left it for a about 36 hours weekend to see if he would pick it up - and - no. I picked it up, but did make a sarcastic comment. I'm not sure who's more passive aggresive, me, the dog, or him. :)

[Maureen@IslandRoar]

I am no longer married, but when my ex is here with the kids, using my kitchen, all his messes drive me crazy. I also go crazy on my kids when they wash a pan they used and leave one sitting there (since THEY did not use it).
I would definitely have to do the wash thing you're threatening. But I am vicious that way...

[Kelly]

I got here late and I'm dying to know what the troll said? At my house it is the grocery shopping. we both hold out till theres nothing left at all in the house to eat.

[Kay]

I have a small TV in my kitchen that is "my" TV. I ALWAYS set the controller on the flat black square bottom of the TV so it isn't scattered around the kitchen and everyone can find it. Well, I've asked several times why it is so hard for him to set it back in its spot when he leaves in the morning. I even started hiding it at night when I'd turn it off. Well that really made him mad so now I've decided that he does it just to piss me off. So I've decided I always am the bigger "adult" and I will just put it back every morning and not say a word. Oh, I'll get him back with something when the right thing comes up. Believe me!!!!

[Kristan]

LOL wow this stirred up a lot of comments, didn't it!?

Lucky me, we don't really have "wars" about anything (yet?). He does all our laundry, I do all our dishes. We split dog duty. Ask me again when there are kids?

[Laurie]

I'm just surprised it hasn't "accidentally" gotten ruined in the dishwasher already! Maybe he feels like that's his contribution--not ruining it!

I'm new to blogging and really enjoying your blog. I look forward to checking back often for a chuckle and/or something to make me think....

[The Glamorous Life Association]

All I can say to this is...

HE DOES THE DAMN DISHES?

As you know I too am a 'business travel widow' and when my husband is home...hell NO he doesn't do dishes. Or anything else for that matter. He doesn't even take his plate up to the sink. Nada. Nothing.

So I can see the red cup thing pissing you off. But really I just want to get back to my point...

HE.DOES.THE.DISHES.
:)