Sex Addict?

** Thank you to Secondhand Radio for the interview last night.  It was really a lot of fun.  The interview went over the allotted hour by quite (!) a bit.  It is/or soon will be available as a free podcast on iTunes.  You can click here to find the correct iTunes link if you are interested in downloading it. **

The topic of sex addiction has been brought up to me three times in ten days.  Most recently, a friend told me her marriage is ending as a result of her husband's sex addiction.

Seriously?

I don't know if I believe in sex addiction.  I don't know that I DON'T believe in it either.  

It seems like sex addicted women used to just be called sluts.  Sex addicted men were called ladies men, or more likely, pigs.

Now it seems like every bad habit is called an addiction.

My friend tells me her husband "needs" constant sexual stimulation.  Porn, and a variety of partners (who he has tried unsuccessfully to keep hidden from his wife), are his methods of feeding his habit.  A (big) part of me feels he's throwing the word "addiction" at his wife as an excuse for bad behavior.  If he's addicted to sex then she is expected to be more understanding of his escapades, I suppose.

After all, an addict cannot be expected to have control over their habit, right?  At least not without professional treatment and guidance, and maybe not even then.

I happen to know this particular man, and my nonprofessional opinion is that he's just a self-indulgent asshole with little regard for the damage his selfishness causes other people.  

Not to be harsh or anything ....

I'm not condoning infidelity, but it's easier to wrap my brain around someone having a meaningful affair vs. someone who wants to screw everything in sight. 

I don't really have a lot to write about this topic.  It's on my mind right now because I see my friend in distress over the demise of her marriage.  I brought it up here today because I'm curious as to what your thoughts are.

Do you believe sex addiction is a real addiction or just an excuse for infidelity?

Do you think people with this "addiction" can be cured or learn to control it?

Would you stay with a partner who was repeatedly unfaithful and blamed their behavior on being a sex addict?

I'm curious to hear your opinion.  You are also welcome to share any experiences you might have with this topic. 

© Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[Alan]

Sorry I missed your interview last night! I will definitely download it once it's on ITunes...

As for "sexual addiction", it sounds to me that your assessment is correct. This guy isn't "addicted" to anything. He is a normal guy with questionable morals. Maybe your friend should jump at this opportunity to explore the possibility of other options as well. See how he likes it. I'm of the belief that men can and will screw anything that walks and if this guy has no values whatsoever, then it would be best to let the asshole go on his merry way and she should find a man who appreciates her and what she has to offer.

[Jan]

I tend to agree with you - sex addiction seems like an excuse for really bad behavior to me.

[class factotum]

Yep. Questionable morals seeking an excuse. I know someone whose husband managed to control himself at work (which meant he could control himself) but not at home. She finally kicked his butt to the curb, but not before he used their kids' college fund for a $35,000, six-week treatment (not covered by insurance, natch, because insurance companies are not stupid) for this "addiction."

I could have treated it. I mean, if he really had no control over what he did, which is BS.

1. Your computer? Gone.
2. Car keys? Gone.
3. Credit card? Gone.

A 20-yr marriage, dead. Two kids with a dad living somewhere else. My friend's heart broken. All because he wouldn't keep it in his pants. Jerk.

[kensi]

I'm not sure if I believe it is an "addiction" or not. If someone has always been a self indulgent asshole about everything in life, I would think its an excuse. If they've always been a nice person, and this is a fairly recent change, maybe there is something to the "addiction" being real.

Didn't clarify a darn thing, did I?

[Kelly]

I've always thought it's just an excuse for bad behavior. Maybe sometimes a need for psychological affirmation of being attractive. Dump.Him - and be happy about it.

[cute~ella]

I believe that you can become addicted to anything that releases endorphins or simulates the release of endorphins; BUT that doesn't mean this particular person is addicted to sex. The DSM IV doesn't recognize it currently, but there is a push for it to be recognized accordingly.

Interestingly, hypersexuality is considered a "symptom" of several other disorders including as bipolar disorder.

[san]

I think it can be an addiction, but that doesn't make it an excuse for unfaithful behavior. You can be addicted to something (thinking about it day and night, and watch porn and whatnot, if you will), but you don't have to be unfaithful. That's asshole behavior, IMHO.

[Kristan]

Woohoo, voice of dissent again!!

I do think sex addiction is real. However, like practically all conditions nowadays, I think it's over diagnosed. Sounds like this guy also SELF diagnosed, which is not necessarily accurate. If he truly believes that he is a sex addict, he shouldn't throw it around as an excuse for any behavior he wants; he should consult with an expert and seek treatment.

I'm sorry for your friend, though. I can't imagine how difficult and awful a situation that must be, and I wish her all the best in getting through it.

[WebSavyMom]

-->It's an excuse calling it an addiction. There is something that most people learn no matter what they crave or yearn for and it's call Self Control.
I'd have more sympathy if he wasn't literally caught with his pants down and then cried Addiction! Addiction!

[Kristabella]

I've been thinking about this myself. I watched the season premiere of that Sex Rehab show with Dr. Drew on VH1. And I don't feel like it is a real addiction, or a disease like other addictions are. I watched it and I felt very sorry for most of the people on there because most were abused when they were young, which leads them to wrong ideas and thoughts about sex in general.

But I found myself just thinking "just stop doing it." I didn't feel like it was an addiction, like alcohol or drug addictions. But maybe that's because my dad was an alcoholic and I saw first hand how hard it was for him to quit the booze. So I understand what other addicts go through.

[Mike Krause]

I have no opinion to offer about control or cure. I think it's another indicator that the "victim syndrome" gives people yet another excuse for why they shouldn't be held accountable for what they do.

[Michelle Pixie]

I think there are so many different addictions and for all of them I don't feel you can cure them but I believe you can learn to control them rather then them controlling you. I started watching Dr. Drew's celebrity rehab and it just so happens they are all sex addicts and it's pretty interesting. I have never been affected by anyone in my life with a sex addiction but drugs and alcohol run ramped on my side of the family and I have first hand knowledge of the damage that leaves in its wake. I don't know if I'd ever be able to recover if my lover were to have a sex addiction, I go back to the trust issue and I'm not sure that would be something that could ever be mended.

[Hallie]

Started to write this whole "of course I's stick by my guys side and help him get the help he needs" crap. But then I realized that I'd be lying. I don't think I could trust him ever again. And without trust, what do you have?

Porn addicition...maybe??? But repeated "slips" with other people?

NO WAY JOSE.

Hallie
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/

[karen]

I think it is an excuse. Me personally, I love sex. When i was married it was morning, night and occasional lunch break sex, almost every day. And that was post baby.

[dadshouse]

Sex addiction really does exist in some people. They crave and need sex like a junkie needs crystal meth. Some affairs are physically driven, some are emotionally driven. They aren't all about sex, even if sex is involved. There can be deep emotional and psychological things at play.

Spiritual writer Thomas Moore says any addiction is the soul crying out in need of healing.

[Sandra]

He's an asshole. Nuff said.

[Purifying Grace]

First, all addictions started with some sort of wrong decision that someone liked, a coping mechanism for real life, or steams from some past hurt or trauma. While many turn to the bottle or drugs to numb their pain, sex addiction (including porn addiction) can have similar affects. Orgasm from porn and sex releases a cocktail of hormones that is just as powerful as heroin or any other drug of choice. Furthermore, unlike drugs and alcohol, sex/porn addiction, not only numbs the pain, but also avoids rejection (esp. porn addiction). In one sense, we all have questionable morals.

Second, DSM IV doesn't really mean anything because based on the DSM IV most Americans, if not all, have something wrong with them.

Third, sexual/porn addiction reveals itself over time, and yes, it is over-diagnosed (though not as over-diagnosed as ADD/ADHD).

Fourth, controlling one's addiction at one place and not at another is actually a sign of addiction albeit the beginnings of it rather than full-blown addiction. Most addicts are expert liars and can deceive those closest to him easily.

Fifth, just because someone thinks "just stop doing it," doesn't really understand the addiction, even if they have had someone close to them addicted to something. It's not the same as going through an addiction. Someone who has been through an addiction can understand and identify the same wrong thought patterns, etc.

Sixth, being labeled an addict is sometimes self-defeating and does give one a "victim mentality" sometimes.

Seventh, all addicts eventually break trust. For sex addicts (and even porn addicts), trust is usually the first thing to go because it is so personal and so devastating to another person. And most people blow off porn addicts because "it is not hurting anyone else." However, that is not true because surely his intimate partner has to be thinking during their most intimate moments, "Is he turned on by me or them? Is he thinking of just me or is his head full of those images?" This is especially true as he begins to sometimes prefer the porn over and against his wife/partner, which reveals itself as NEEDING porn to have sex, unable to have an erection because he has masturbated so much already, staying up late to look at pornography while she sleeps, etc. Eighth, for porn and sex addicts, though they love sex, it is not about the porn or the sex per se. It is and it is much, much deeper.

And lastly, just because a person has an addiction, it doesn't mean that it is excusable. Addicts are just as culpable as a non-addict; they just have a stronger tendency to overcome than the average person whether that's a genetic thing or a learned behavior. However, unlike most people, I truly believe that an addiction (to anything, even sex/porn) can be broken. However, it doesn't erase the damage to the many relationships. If you are a wife/spouse of a sex/porn addict, please seek help. Go here for some books on the subject: http://blog.purifyinggrace.com/store/

PG

[Maureen@IslandRoar]

I don't know if it's really an addiction or not, but would I stay with a guy who repeatedly cheated for ANY reason??? Hell to the NO!

[dogmother]

Interesting comments. I think when you look at the true definition of "addiction", sex can be an addictive behavior. Simply put, addictive behavior is the process of continuing to seek out the "drug" despite the negative impact on your life and those around you. I'd say destroying your family and your marriage is pretty destructive. I believe the true problem is the use of the word and the "excuse" factor..."oh, he was a sex addict". It is a behavior, but should not automatically imply helplessness. Addiction can be a choice.

[Lori]

Oh goodness such good comments to your post....wow!

I do believe that it can be an addiction but even so, doesn't excuse the behavior. It's still a choice. In a sex addiction, it has very little to do with sex just like other addictions. When you have an addiction, no amount of sex, drugs, alcohol or whatever it is, will be enough. I have known a couple of people with sex addictions, just like I've known people addicted to alcohol or drugs and when it comes down to it, if they don't get help, for what makes them addicted, their choices will destroy their relationships. Often times, it does regardless of them getting help. With all this said, yes, I do think people suffer with sex addictions along with their loved ones. And yes, often times at the height of an addiction, an addict will be a total selfish asshole. The bottom line is addiction is pure selfishness.

On the flip side of this, I do think, all too often, saying oneself has an addiction, in order to make excuses or not take responsibility is used. I think the word "addiction" gets used all too often. We live in a society that has taught people to blame and not take responsiblity for their choices and to be self centered.

I do think people can get help and can become faithful in a relationship but it will mean life long help and being accountability, just like other addictions. It would take a lot of work to make a marriage work that has been severely damaged but I do believe if both put a hundred percent into it and want it then it could work.

My first husband was unfaithful to me and although I forgave him I do think it caused problems in our relationship. He fathered another child, while we were married and I'm not sure if he ever stopped cheating. I know I never felt like I could trust him and I don't really think he was an addict but maybe I'm wrong.

Great thought provoking questions!

[Jack]

And most people blow off porn addicts because "it is not hurting anyone else." However, that is not true because surely his intimate partner has to be thinking during their most intimate moments, "Is he turned on by me or them? Is he thinking of just me or is his head full of those images?" This is especially true as he begins to sometimes prefer the porn over and against his wife/partner, which reveals itself as NEEDING porn to have sex, unable to have an erection because he has masturbated so much already, staying up late to look at pornography while she sleeps, etc.

Sorry I am calling B.S. on this. This is just wrong. It is generalized gobbledy gook. It may be applicable to some people but it is not to all.

It is not unusual or uncommon for people to sometimes fantasize about other people during sex. It is not unusual or uncommon for people to sometimes be distracted and thinking about other things during sex.

If you can't sleep with your partner without fantasizing about someone else that is problematic, but to slap this on for everyone isn't right.

[MAT]

I as a female, know that it exists. I was one. Although I never used it as an excuse to cheat in a relationship, nor did I cheat. I would go through withdrawls and cry. It was often 2 1/2 weeks after my period...it would last a week. I could have sex and 2 hours later be fiending. I dont really understand why. Ive always had a fascination with sex, even years before I had it. I started mastermating when I was 4. I got myself under conrol now... but I do still NEED sex..witthout it I feel unstable. With it I feel happy... I think it's the natural high it gives...or hormones... It should be something your willing to work on like any addiction and not make it an excuse. It's called control over ones self..quiting does feel much like quitting cigarettes... Its tough. Just cry..talk to a trusted friend. It will make you feel better. The craving will pass.. eventually.

[Macaroni]

I think the addiction exists certainly. Most drugs that people are addicted to either release certain chemicals in the brain or mimic certain chemicals in the brain that cause pleasure, and sex certainly does release 'nice things'.

Do I think your friends cheating douchebag asswipe husband is "addicted" to sex to the point that he "needs" to cheat and whatnot?

...Nope.

I do however think he has a phobia of real commitment and loyalty.

I suggest that your friend treat the diagnoses with a heavy dose of "divorce" followed by a year or so of "boy watching" therapy. ;D

-sigh- If only things were that easy.