Where The Torturer & I Break Up

You wouldn't believe everything that happened to me yesterday.  It was one of those days where I had nearly every moment booked from the moment I woke up until late in the evening.  In addition to all the planned activities for the day, there was an emotional roller coaster of unexpected events taking place too.

I will share a lot of yesterday's events with you, but for now, for today, let's just focus on one thing - my break up with The Torturer after our three and a half year relationship.

Well, let me be honest about this ... The Torturer broke up with me.

(And if you're a new reader, I apologize in advance but you will not understand today's post.  Perhaps you should go back and read my About Page, and/or peruse my Recovery category to get up to speed.)

There are two parts to this story.  I will explain the factual, blah, blah, blah part first (and quickly!) so when you read the ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGH! CURSE! TEARS! emotional part, it will make more sense.

My medical insurance is with Anthem Blue Cross of California.  For writing purposes, I will just refer to them as BC for Blue Cross.  

Recently, BC made the decision to pay physical therapists in California about half of what they have been paying them in the past for a patient's PT visit.  (This is in spite of making incredible profits as an insurance company.  Don't we all hate the big bad insurance companies?)  In other words, Blue Cross is forcing a 50% pay-cut on physical therapists who treat BC patients.  The Torturer has known for months this change was on the horizon and he's been very upset about it.  He's said it may result in having to cut the salaries of his employees or laying people off.  Around one third of The Torturer's patients are BC patients.

WAKE UP READERS!

I'M DONE WITH THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH PART!

Yesterday, when I walked into PT I was informed The Torturer had made the decision to pull his practice out of the BC network of providers - effective at the beginning of the very week we are existing in right now.  That means I already attended two appointments this week I'm not covered for.

What all this means is, my insurance will no longer pay for me to go to PT at my current facility.

What it also means is, I no longer have The Torturer as my physical therapist.

What it also means is, I have no plan for immediate treatment and my arm and upper body will begin exploding in breathtaking pain in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ....

What it also MAY mean, is a discontinuation of insurance coverage for my arm forever.  (The reasons for this are long and technical and boring so I won't list them, but losing my coverage for PT on my arm is now a strong likelihood.)

I feel all my hopes for my arm, and dreams of my recovery, falling and shattering into a million splintered pieces on the ground.  I feel the fear of regressing, of losing what I've fought so hard for, clutching like a vise at my heart.  

In my mind, I hear over, and over again, The Torturer's words from just last week.  He chided me for missing two appointments because it became instantly apparent I had regressed in even that short amount of time.  I struggled to lift a one pound weight when the week before I had lifted three.

I think about my camera, my love of photography ... how hard I've fought and what I may now lose.

What happens to me now?

Could I pay cash (at a reduced rate) to continue my treatment?  Well, technically I could.  

Realistically, I cannot.

The Torturer did not handle any of this the way I think he should have.  (That is strictly my opinion as his long-term patient, and as his friend.)  I'm very hurt and disappointed.

Although I've known The Torturer has been frustrated by Blue Cross "issues," there was no advance warning he was considering exiting the BC network.  Therefore, The Torturer's BC patients (or *ahem* FRIENDS) had no idea of this impending change.

There was no transition time provided for me his patients to find alternative treatment.

There were no suggestions or referrals provided for the treatment patients need (and which The Torturer will no longer be providing.)

[Although, later - in an exchange of text messages and emails, The Torturer said he would provide referrals if requested.]

When I asked The Torturer what I should do, he said, "That's up to you."

And yes, I did take that to mean, "I don't give a shit, you don't bring any money in for me anymore."

Is that what he meant?

You would have to ask him.  I can only write about how his words made me feel.

I feel abandoned.

I feel betrayed.

I feel like I've lost the ONE person who has truly understood what I've gone through since my accident.  (Who, apparently, doesn't really understand at all because if he did he wouldn't have walked away from me without a visible ounce of concern for my well being.)

I feel very hurt at how casually I was "dismissed."

I feel myself sinking, and sinking, and yes - giving up all hope for any further recovery.

© Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[Anne]

Don't give up. Please! There is always hope and you are such a strong person, there will be a way. I don't want to bore you with sayings, but there will be further progress, if you believe in yourself. Sending strengthening hugs across the pond...

[Pam]

Oh, 24, that's such a low blow for you. I'm so sorry to hear that. But you wouldn't have got this far if you weren't such a battler. Hang on in there: something will turn up. It could even be something better. Don't despair - we're all willing you on.

[Michelle]

Oh, honey. I don't know what to say. Hoping you get help for your arm soon (and The Torturer steps up to the mark and is the friend he is meant to be).

[Joanne]

you will think of something, I know you will. I also have faith that you will NOT give up, or lose hope. When the shock wears off, you will make a plan, I am sure of it. You have to much living to do. Go ahead and tell the beastly man you cannot live without him (that remark is the humorous part) He knows you NEED him. He is probably hurting too, and seeing his whole practice turned upside down. meanwhile, do whatever you can for yourself to keep your arm going. We love you, and believe in your spirit

[Jenny in MN]

My initial thought is pain! Emotional and physical. I became close to my PT when I was in need and in fact she is the reason I was finally able to get surgery on the correct issue. It was her gut instinct that said I had a specific injury that 2 other doctors were overlooking. I feel for you!
My suggestion to keep you going initially is to pay your PT out of pocket for at least 2 sessions and ask him to put together a plan for you that you can work on at home or a gym or with your family assisting you. Yes, offer him $ for his service to do this. If he will not offer you something in a way of a plan...I am wondering did he take an oath like other medical professionals to 'do no harm' first? Granted you probably need something different for each session, but there should be a basic format of exercises/stretches, etc. that you can be doing to minimize loss of progress. If he tells you what to monitor, maybe you can not spiral down so quickly?
Call your sugeon's office and ask them (or reg. doctor) their recommendation. Perhaps the dr. can work with the ins. co. if you need long term PT as it has shown from your records that you do indeed need it? Yes, torturer should have handled it with his patient's care and consideration in mind first... not just his pocketbook. His patients are not the insurance company rules!
More bees come to honey....so try to be sticky sweet first....even if it is HARD...then get angry. This is your quality of life and you do have hope - there is no giving UP! Keep us posted. Best of luck!

[Linda]

I agree with Jenny's suggestions. I also think you should contact BC & talk to them. (I have a sneaky suspicion you've had to do that before, so you know how successful this might be...) Getting your doctor to inform them of your dire need for PT AS MANY TIMES as it takes could be good, too...
Good luck & keep us posted!

[tonya cinnamon]

:(.. sends you hugs and postive thoughts something will come about and help you.. dont lose hope!!!!!!

[Mo]

Hon I feel for you. Especially after coming here for long enough to understand. Take what you can from The Torturer and hey, you ARE thought of by us!

[Stephen]

OK little miss 24, let's get one thing straight right up front, you are NOT giving up. It's not going to be allowed. I can understand your being upset. Any normal person would be. But, once the smoke of this inferno clears a little, many possible paths will reveal themselves. You have lost too much already because of your accident. The one thing you are not going to lose is hope. That hope is your lifeline. Change is an opportunity for growth. Who knows, maybe your anger and frustration can be channelled into having an influential voice in this big health care debate we are having in our country. You have contacts in the media, and a big voice on this blog. Use them. About the betrayal...... that sucks. I don't get callous people. But alas, we are only in charge of ourselves, so BE IN CHARGE. Suzanne, you have many great things in front of you. I can't wait for you to share them with us. Carpe Diem.

[Kristan]

Oh 24...

Okay, first, the funny: You're using BC as the acronym, but because Pseudo already uses BC as her dog's acronym, I kept chuckling (well, at first) thinking of her adorable little Border Collie causing all this trouble.

Second: DO NOT GIVE UP. I am horribly under-informed about health insurance and such matters, but what I DO know is that you absolutely cannot and will not give up. You will find a way to continue your incredible improvements, and you will tell us about them (as proof), and someday you will look back on this and just shrug (if not laugh).

(And third: I suspect the Torturer is not so callous as this situation may make him seem, right now. Give it time...)

[di]

While you are searching for a permanent solution to obtaining PT elsewhere in a 'friendly to your pocketbook' way, be sure to continue doing whatever you can at home on your own to keep your arm in shape. I'm not sure exactly what your PT routine was, but there has to be some of it that you can do at home on your own. Yes?

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

[Le]

That is a tough pill.

Look at it from the Torturers standpoint-he not only had to break up with you but with numerous other patients, several of whom probably reacted in an ugly way. No one likes to make a hard decision and I am sure that he struggled between a business that was his livelihood and an insurance company that cut his rates. Any way you look at it-this stinks for both of you.

Tomorrow is a new day. You have received some great suggestion that really can't improve upon. Take a deep breath-you can do this.

[Linda]

Stephen & Jenny have pretty much covered everything I wanted to say. Plus; don't make me fly across the whole freaking country and slap you. This is just another hurdle, jump it. You are NOT allowed to quit! We're all here for you.

[Pam]

That sucks! I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but know that you'll figure something out to get the help you need. Hang in there!

[Jack]

I think that you should schedule some pay out of pocket sessions with him so that you can work together to come up with a reasonable strategy.

It is worth the money and the peace of mind.

[Andrea (@shutterbitch)]

I can't add anything in the way of suggestions that others haven't said already, but I want to chime in my support. Don't give up. Something will come up that will be a workable solution. You cannot give up.

[Kelly]

Oh 24, I can't imagine how you must feel. Devastated. The rug has been pulled out from under you. The thing is (and I know you know this), after recovering from the shock of it you will pull yourself up and move forward. I know this because I've read as you've done this time and again with the setbacks you've encountered. Its normal procedure in the medical community to give patients a months notice of changes which might affect their benefits or care so clearly this was not handled in a very professional manner. How can The Torturer tell you after 2 visits you aren't/weren't covered anymore? I doubt if it is even legal and clearly you can't be billed for those two visits. Did he just make the decision yesterday? It is ridiculous. I also realize you are hurting personally. This is someone you've relied on, worked with for hours and had a friendship with. What was he thinking to say "It's up to you" when you asked what you should do now? How unfeeling and calloused! Does he care AT ALL about your well being? I went to pt for just a few months and my pt would never, ever have said anything so uncaring to me. I agree with Pam, I think theres something/someone better out there to help you get thru this next part of your journey.

[san]

Your story alone wants me to move back to Europe ASAP. Argh.

And then there are people who are opposed to health care reform. I don't get it.

[Judi]

I will add my "ditto" to the chorus of what everyone else has said. And I'm close enough to slap you on Linda's behalf if needed.

I adore my PT who just got me through my own shoulder and arm issues (albeit not as serious as yours). I'll send you a link to his office via email.

Sending hugs your way.

[LPC]

I have no ideas. Only words of sympathy and support. My hope is that your network will provide. And I don't mean the official health care network...

[Lorna Harris]

Stopping treatment without any warning is brutal. Why couldn't he have given a month's notice to all his BC patients? What an uncaring thing to do.

[Momma Pixie]

Oh Suzanne I am so sorry you have to go through this! Stay strong and I have to agree with what everyone else is saying hold onto that hope and don't give up. You have come so far to give in now. I don't think the torturer handled the situation right, but I know you can rise above all of that. {{{HUGS}}}

[Nancy P]

I agree with Linda that Stephen & Jenny have said what I am thinking also.
I will say I had to go back and re-read what you wrote as I could not believe the way this was handled. I have to wonder if The Torturer was embarrassed, frustrated etc with the situation and regrets the incredibly callous way he reacted.
You have a lot of people rooting for you, please don't give up.

[BT]

Don't give up. Maybe you will find someone even better than the Torturer and come up with a nicer name for them!

[cute~ella]

You will not give up. WILL NOT.

I don't care that he was a big jerk head in the way he handled this. Screw that. He's good, but there are other PT places out here and while it might be jumps through hoops to get coverage, you will take each one and over come it. YOU WILL.

Don't make me come out there. (Although your back yard is lovely and I think we'd have a fabulous time if I visited.)

HUGS I know this is very hard for you and I can only imagine just how difficult it is, but you can and will overcome this too. There is not another option.

[Mike]

Your pt is outraged at how he's being treated by Blue Cross so he turns around and treats his patients like shit. Niiiiiiice. This was not handled in a business like manner at all. Patients should have been given at least 30 days notice. Don't give up. Instead, find a much better pt.

[Jill]

Oh no! That's just awful! I don't know what to say. I can't imagine how stunned you must feel about the whole situation. I hope you can find a solution soon. **hugs**

@charmedimsure

[patois]

Damn. Damn. Damn. I am so with you. My empathy on this is HUGE. I wish I could offer up more than good vibes and lots and lots of hope that it works out. The others are right about doing whatever you can at home to keep the forward progress.

[stacy]

Hi Suzanne:
It's Stacy your pt friend. Maybe this will blow over. He was probably just mad and frustrated and maybe when he calms down and comes to his senses things will work out.

[Jenn in Tenn]

Yeah, FIRST: no giving up allowed!! This totally sucks but I can tell that giving up is NOT in your nature. SECOND: I also am on the Stephen and Jenny bandwagon. They have said exactly what I would have. And, finally, we are all here for you, even if all we can do is send good vibes and shake our fists at 'the man' right along with you! Keep your head up!!

[Sandi]

Should I call him and give him a piece of my mind? I am pissed on your behalf, and would happily tell him how I feel.

[Amy in StL]

Oh no, what a horrible blow to be dealt after finally getting back to photography and more mobility. I assume you can't continue going to an out-of-network place and just pay a difference and that sucks. I know my BC coverage does allow that but I know they're a real bear to fight with when they don't cover something. And they're not reasonable nor are they medical professionals. So do the best you can and stay on track - I sincerely hope it will all resolve soon for you.

[Debrabby]

Suzanne
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this sh*t! I too wish that The Torturer had handled this in a much better way, but now it's time to make lemonade out of lemons. YOU cannot give up no way, you've come too far to make a turn in the opposite direction. I just cannot fathom that TT(the Torturer) would be so callous to you after all of these years of working with you -- I just can't believe he does what he does simply for a pay check -- even for Money Town womens money. I just can't. Like someone said earlier I have a feeling he's angry (like we haven't seen him mad before --huh?!) and he's acting it out. Perhaps the suggestion to pay for one or two sessions to try and work out something beyond PT with the TT would be the best thing. I know you won't give up and I know that there is a solution. WE all believe in you.

[Cate]

Insurance reimbursement (or lack of it) is a huge issue in medical care right now. That being said, the fact that the insurance company is being an asshole in no way gives The Torturer the right to be one. Did he need to make a tough business decision? Yes. Did he handle it in a professional manner with you? No.
I'm sorry. I know your care is a huge worry for you now. I have a feeling the hurt you feel on a personal level is the worst part of this entire situation though. (((HUGS)))

[Mattie]

You may feel defeated and hurt and angry right now. It may be overwhelming.
BUT YOU WILL NOT GIVE UP. It isn't an option!!!!!!!

Take a few days to pull yourself together and breathe.
Then find yourself the best dam PT in the oc and do whatever it takes to make your insurance pay. Surely your dr can recomend someone.

Fuck the torturer. What a disappointment he is. He had all of us fooled. We thought he really cared about you. (I'm sure you thought so too!)

[Ginger]

Give all of us his name and address (or email information) and we will all write letters of outrage on your behalf!

If that doesn't work, we may all have to come out there and throw rotten eggs at his windows.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You have been through enough, already!

[Linda Tustin]

Suzanne- I do not believe you will let this stop you. Maybe I see you as having Super Human Powers, or I just know from being a long time reader that you are not wired to give up. F*** the Torturer- Find a new Physical Therapist who has a new plan. You know- door closed- windows open. Baby you are NOT down. Just temporarly flummoxed. (love that word-did I spell it right?) Get back on the horse and kick ass. I am 1000% behind you, (as all the readers above me indicate also)For What It is Worth! (((((tender hugs- with afew tears thrown in)))))

[Craig]

Dear 24, I have written a letter for you to share with your readers regarding your blog today. It is probably too long for your comment section and my hope is that you will use it for your blog tomorrow. I will e-mail it to you. As in the past nothing has changed on how I care about you and your recovery. I know you are hurt, but I hope you read the letter and share it fully with your readers.

Sincerely,

"The Torturer"

[Jess]

This is absolutely devastating. Pathetic that I may be crying right now? Not in the least. Not for a friend that in the short time I've known you and followed your progress, I've seen an unmatchable perseverance. I'm baffled at the insensitivity and abrupt demeanor of The Torturer concerning it all. Concerning YOU. A human being who has endured pain and bonded and played hooky and built this relationship with this person who made it the mission of his life to better the lives of those who struggle physical from unexpected trauma. Just to have him brush it off as a "matter of business" at the drop of a hat like this. Yuck. Yeeeeee--uck!

I lubs you bunches and will do whatever it takes when I get into town to make you smile for realsies. Even if it means a night locked up for indecent exposure when I flash my pancake-y, twenty-something, less than bionic nipple-y boobies at a restaurant...with my mother present. Commitment. The Torturer could stand to read my comment to better understand the meaning.

xo

[[email protected]]

Oh,no! This is awful! He should have given you warning; this is your life here....
I know once you break it down and get some referrals and try and figure it out, you'll move mountains. But there is no break through without breakdown. I feel so bad.
Shame on you, Torturer!
Hugs to you, Suzanne!

[Barb]

I am so sorry to hear that, can you check your insurance and see if you can do acupuncture, I have been doing it for almost a year and it has helped me tremendously. I sit in a car for 2 hours every back and forth to work. My back kills me and also I have early arthritis in my thumbs (they used to lock up all the time and very painful) he has almost gotten rid of pain and the lockup. I have some other issues also and he is taking care of everything. I am super pleased and just thought I would give you something else to think about.

[Yvette (Lo's Mom)]

Wow Suzanne, I am so sorry.

I have read about your long recovery and your love, hate relationship with your Therapist. For it was a relationship, a friendship, in many ways closer than some of your other friends.

He understood your injury, your recovery, your struggle more than anyone else. While I understand his no longer takind BC, the way that he handled it was wrong.

Please don't give up on your recovery.

I'll keep you in my prayers

[Kim @ Beautiful Wreck]

I am so sad for you. I am crying actually. Having a child that has special needs has taught me the importance of keeping coverage and having continued care with the same providers. Heartbreaking.

I saw the Torturer left you a message here. I hope that something can be worked out for you.

Much love..

[dogmother]

Wow. This is so complicated and so sudden. I have all sorts of things running through my head....the frustration and abandonment you feel....and The Torturer's frustrations as a health care provider and how to handle the situation. Don't take this wrong..I am not defending his reaction at all...it is very, very difficult and draining to sever "patient" relationships. I don't know why he chose this route.
Another door will open....you may end up with a PT with fresh perspective... This isn't the end of the road....just a new beginning. Have faith. Your recovery continues and this all must be happening for a reason!
Hugs and kisses to you during ANOTHER difficult time, damn it.

[Staceylt]

Oh, I'm so sorry. I hope something works out. This is another terrible situation brought on by an insurance company. I hate our healthcare system. This is disgusting. You deserve so much better.

[BarbaraB]

Perhaps he doesn't want you to know that BC dropped him. It happens more often than people know. As someone who has worked in the medical field almost thirty years, when a carrier (insurance company) decides that there are too many claims (bills due to them) rather than new insurers, (people coming "on board") they will drop the providers with little notice. Not saying no notice, just little notice. And with the unemployed becoming the norm rather than the exception, more and more people and families have no insurance anymore. If you don't have a job it would be exceptionally difficult to carry the COBRA bills. Less employed, less insured, less benefits to those with insurance. Have a talk with the torturer and find out what his self pay rates are or if he will accept what the out of network costs will be. Believe me, he has a history with you and doesn't want to be in this position. But ask him.

[steenky bee]

Wow. This must have really taken the wind out of your sails. Well, you do have recourses here. Contact BC, see if there's any further options. COBRA? Prostitution? I know it's cheesy and it's not what you want to here...but when God closes a door, he opens a window. If you want to smack me about, feel free. I wouldn't want to hear that jibberish now. (hugs)

[DigitalPagan]

To the "Torturer": You might be surprised to find that most of us who follow 24 aren't interested in hearing your attempt at an excuse for what you have done. The fact is that you allowed your frustration with a faceless insurance company to fester until you took it out on the patients (and most importantly in this case a friend) who rely on you. That you would think that NO NOTICE is appropriate when cutting off care shows that you have a grossly underdeveloped sense of professionalism and a capacity for compassion that puts you ahead of house plant, though only slightly. If you'd like your 'letter' published might I suggest starting your own blog, this one is already taken.

[Lu]

I can truly feel your pain, except mine is in my ankle/foot. I know what it's like to have to change therapists and all the anxiety and changes that come along with that. You have to keep going, react the best and fastest way you can. Check your provider list, ask the torturer and you doc about the people on it, MAKE THEM help you make the best choice of where to go. Also request the torturer go over your file with the new PT.
Having been there that is the best factual advice I can give you. Emotionally HUGS lady.

[Lynda M Otvos]

Single Payer would solve this Instantly.

[Tara Bradford]

That's outrageous! The insurance company and their greed is one thing; the PT not giving you any notice whatsoever that he was refusing to accept BC coverage is extremely rude and unprofessional. So sorry you're having to go through all this stress, at a time you need all your strength to get stronger and heal. I'm with all the other commenters urging you not to lose hope; a solution will be found and you'll get the help you need. Stay strong and find another PT who does accept BC coverage!

[stacy]

you would think that the torturer would rather have some money, albeit half what it used to be, then no money which is what he has if he cuts all his BC patients. How does that make sense?

[Duchess]

Oh, Suzanne -- that is so bad! And sad! And of course you feel hurt. But the Torturer is a professional. It is a bit like when your shrink says, Sorry, your insurance only pays for 10 sessions. But you always thought you would be the exception, the one who was so interesting he would want to treat for free.

And I am sure he WOULD want to treat you -- as a friend. But he can't do it as a professional.

I do think he might, as a friend, have given you some warning.

And just the other day I had commented that you were so discreet in your blog about the Torturer, and a good patient and good friend.

[Tami]

I think maybe "Duchess" didn't read the whole post. The Torturer so clearly is NOT a "professional." A professional does not tell patients that 2 visits ago their insurance no longer covered their visits. A professional notifies patients of changes to their billing AHEAD OF TIME. A professional has a transition time for changes like this and ABSOLUTELY provides referrals. I dont see anywhere where 24 says she expected free service of any kind whatsover. The fact that she has a long term relationship with him in addition to being a patient just makes his behavior that much more appalling.

What's "professional" about that?
Nothing, that's what.

[Midlife Slices]

Catching up here and I read the latest post before this one so I'm commenting here. The Torchurer's comment actually makes me mad. grrrr...... I'm sure his letter includes all the valid reasons he isn't taking BC patients anymore but nothing can justify the WAY he went about this change. NOTHING.

Head up girlfriend and maybe just maybe this is what you needed to get you to someone who could actually do you a lot more good and get you a lot more use from your arm. Who knows? God works in mysterious ways. HUGS

[Mad Woman]

Oh shit on a stick. I'm so so sorry to read this. What an ass. As a professional he has a duty, *I* think, to refer you to someone who can carry on your care in as good a manner as you were used...if not better. That he hasn't is not cool. At all.

(((HUGS))) sweetie!!

[Laura]

I have watched your journey over my last year of blogging, and I know what pain physical thereapy is, I have had to have it on both an arm and a knee, and I had electro shock. It wasn't as bad as your injury, but I know the pain. I am so sorry that you are losing the one "constant" on your way to being better, but I pray that you will find someone else that will help you just as much. Your in my thoughts.... &
DONT GIVE UP!!!!

[Carol]

Is The Torturer reading your comments? I hope so:
Dear Torturer,
You may have very valid reasons for making changes to your business. Regardless, you haven't made those changes in a manner that's in the best interests of your patients. Surely, you realize that by now.

You've hurt 24 and I think, probably, much deeper than she is letting us know. Perhaps, to you, she is just a number - another patient. Somehow, I doubt that though. How could she be just another patient when you have spent so much time helping her? I can't believe that is all she is to you.

I don't believe that is all she is to you.

To us, her readers, she is many things. She is a role model of perserverance. She's an inspiration for overcoming obstacles and setbacks. Life has shit on her and yet, she writes here and entertains us almost everyday. She brings thousands of people laughter & sometimes tears. She brings us unbelievable beauty with her photographs. Despite all she's been through, she brings us smiles and we have grown to love her.

I hope you think long and hard about the WAY you have done what you have done and what the fall out is. I hope you find a way to make this right, if it's not too late.

[Life with Kaishon]

I am sorry you are hurting.
On so many levels.
I will pray for you.

[Fragrant Liar]

The whole situation sucks. Torturer, dude, should have handled it a whole lot better. 24, you'll go on and do what you have to to make yourself as well as you can. You're not a quitter, that much I know from coming here for a year and a half. This situation bites donkey balls (if I may be so technical), but you WILL move forward with someone better for your treatment. You know better what you need and what you can tolerate in the form of treatment. And of course, you can always come here to blow off steam, and we will listen and commiserate. Big hugs from FL.