Mmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!

**  The Plastic Surgery party is tonight!  If you're looking for me at the party, keep in mind I'll probably be the only woman there with a blue streak in her blonde hair.  Don't be shy - introduce yourself!  I'm looking forward to meeting you!  **

OK, I told you I had a funny story to share and today I'm going to do just that.

However ... if sexual content bothers you, please skip this post.  Instead, rejoin me tomorrow when I'm done snickering and giggling.

I imagine the rest of you perverts are ready for me to tell the story now?

I have a friend.  She's in her early thirties.  She's beautiful.  Let's pretend her name is Kati.  Kati ended a long term relationship a few months ago and is re-entering the dating scene.

I stopped by Kati's condo to drop off some photos for her recently and noticed a big, beautiful, bouquet of fresh roses.  I commented on how pretty they were and she told me she'd been on a date two nights before.  The man she dated sent them the following day.

"That's impressive," I acknowledged.

"Not really," she replied.  "He was the worst kisser I've ever encountered."

Kati went on to tell me about her date with Jim.

Kati and Jim have known each other for many years, but they've been out of touch for the last two.  Previously, they were never romantically involved, but they used to be fairly close friends.  Recently they ran into each other.  While getting caught up, Jim realized Kati is now available.  He immediately asked her out on a date for the very next night.

Kati went on to tell me all of Jim's great attributes.  Because they were once good friends she feels very comfortable with him.  He's a great conversationalist, and has a good sense of humor.  He's attractive, and polite, and seems to think the world of her.

There were, however, big problems as their perfect date progressed and they began getting physical.

Her first clue was when he reached over and gave her a huge kiss.

"He pretty much licked my entire face," she explained.

Because Jim has such a funny sense of humor, Kati thought he was joking around.  She put a hand on each side of his face and said, "Stop!  It isn't funny!"

He looked at her with hurt, puppy dog eyes and said, "What's not funny?"

She was stunned.

"Well, if everything else about him is so great, you can teach him how to kiss," I suggested.

"He's unteachable, I tried!" replied Kati.

Jim was quite revved up to be alone with Kati and the bad-kissing progressed to "other things" fairly quickly.

"He wanted to go down on me and it's been so long since I've been with anyone, I figured why not," explained Kati.

Jim apparently didn't do much better in the oral sex department.  Kati tried to guide him and reposition him, but Jim seemed to be lacking in an understanding of basic female anatomy.  She finally came right out and asked him if he could maybe move right there instead of lapping her entire body (from the belly button down) with his tongue.

When Jim did as she requested, she tried to encourage him by letting out a moan and saying, "Mmmmmmm!"

"MMMMMMMMMMM!!" Jim echoed back (very loudly) into her crotch, with massive amounts of M-vibration.

Kati nearly jumped a foot off the bed.  It was not a good type of vibration.

"MMMMM??" she asked.

"MMMMM??" questioned Jim with his parrot-like vibrating M-echo. 

Kati once again tried to guide Jim to the right spot, and it took quite some time before he even came close to the correct vicinity.

"MMMMMMMMMmmmmmm!" cried out Katie.

"MMMMMMMMMmmmmmm!" Jim pulsated right back at her via her cooter.

At this point, Kati knew she was never, ever, going to have an orgasm with Jim.  It was all she could do not to laugh.  Jim's parrot-like "Mmmmm-ing" and the weird tickling vibration it caused had killed her sexual desire.

Although they had seemed so compatible in every way, clearly they could not be less compatible physically.

Kati decided to try out a few more "Mmmmmmmm" sounds to see what Jim would do and the result was always the same.

"Mmmmmmmm!" Jim vibrated right back at (in?) her.

"So how did the night end?" I asked.

"I faked an orgasm to get it over with.  I was never, ever, going to cum," answered Kati.

The next day Kati received a dozen roses from Jim with a note saying he'd had a fantastic time on their date.  He followed up with a call asking to see her again.

Kati didn't want to hurt Jim's feelings so she told him she was busy.  He laughed and said, "Oh was the sex that bad?"  Jim was joking, of course.  Kati had faked it like a pro and Jim was actually feeling like quite a stud.  He thought he had pleased her immensely.

Kati chatted lightly with Jim for a few minutes and then ended the conversation.  Jim said he would be calling again soon.  He really wants to see her badly.

"It was the worst experience I've ever had with a guy in bed," Kati confessed.

If I asked Jim I think I'd hear a different story.  

He seemed to think his date with Kati was, "Mmm-Mmm Good!"

© Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[di]

Well, it's been a very loooooong time since I have been on a date with anyone other than my husband, BUT I do recall a few very bad dates when I was in my thirties. Penises so short you could barely call them a penis, one so long that OMG.... OMG.... won't even go there. A licker, a stalker, no rhythm, you name it. I feel for your friend, because to be honest..... you never know just how compatible you are with a man in the bedroom until you actually try it out and the trick is to find him without having to go through a baker's dozen.

I wish her luck.

Di

[mama llama]

HA! Sounds like the story of my marriage!! (NO joke, unfortunately)

That's quite a date-night-from-hell story. That is definitely when it is difficult for friends to become lovers. All could be lost...

Nice to know I qualify for the "pervs" who can't help but read on. But when that's the ONLY action I get, who can blame me?!

Have a great Thursday, 24. Enjoy the par-tay tonight--looking forward to details!

Be well.

[Joanne]

and just think, somewhere, some woman is trying to train another man to give full body puppydog kisses... yuk!

[Mo]

Licking faces is bad?

[[email protected]]

I wish I could say I have no idea what she means. But alas...
This is why the rule has to be NEVER fake it. It just ain't worth it, and Lord help the next woman Jim finds MMMMmm MMMM good!

[Kelly]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Mmmmm - great story!
ha ha!

[Pam]

Hilarious! Yes, I kept reading, so I know--I must be a perv. ha! I do feel sorry for her because it doesn't sound like he's going to learn. Damn!!

[Michelle Pixie]

Oh god! Poor Kati! I am not sure what I would do in such a situation?! I've always stood firmly on the ground to never be a faker {I am not one to give credit when it isn't earned} but when it's bad and you just want to get it over what else is a girl to do?! Can't wait to hear how Kati cuts Jim off! :D

[Jan]

Unfortunately, I can relate all too well with this story.

Man, I'm glad I'm married.

[Alan]

That poor guy. And here he thinks he rocked her world...

Here's the problem ladies...unless someone shows us, we're kind of clueless to what goes on down there. Thankfully I met someone in college who knew exactly what she wanted and where. I'm one of the lucky ones (or, should I say, my wife is one of the lucky ones).

Hope that poor dude gets it figured out...either that or finds someone who likes it kinda messy that way. LOL

[MommyNaniboobo]

Alas... nothing can be done to save a night with a bad kisser. I once dated a guy who sucked the whole lower half of my face into his mouth.
And what's with the making sounds at, or talking into the vagina??? It may have lips, but it will not answer you!!!
Poor Kati....

[Apryl's Antics]

This is kind of sad. It's too bad she can't have a heart-to-heart with Jim and tell him the truth. If he ends up being to embarassed to see Kati again, at least he might not ruin another girl's evening.

[Redneck Mommy]

Dying laughing. Man, am I glad I'm married.

Still, I think she should just take Jimbo by the ears and tell him how it is. She should do it for womankind and the next chick ole Jimmy tries to MMMMMMmmmmm on.

[Linda Tustin]

LOLOL I can Always count on you to lift my spirits 24! Maybe she should just get herself off the hook by directing him to 24's blog. That should cure him of Vagina humming! Have a great time at the party tonight! I want a color streak in my hair too!
Maybe green for St. Patrick's day?

[Linda]

Unfortunately I can seriously relate. I'm either a horrible teacher or he couldn't learn.

[Tami]

LOL!!
There are men who are simply unteachable. I can vouch for that.

[The Queen of Chaos]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one that has had that experience roflmao!!

[Deidre]

Luckily, I have not had this experience! EEk, I hope I never do!

[Angela]

This is one reason why the whole no sex before marriage thing was just not going to work out for me! I just had to know the bedroom stuff before I could tie the know. Poor Jim, unfortunately some guys just aren't teachable. I hope he finds someone who likes that kind of thing.

[Mad Woman]

Hahahahahahaha!!! Any chance he drove a Porsche? I dated a guy like that. It was AWFUL!

[Michael @badassdadblog]

She did Jim a terrible disservice. And worse, she did a disservice to every woman Jim will ever be with after her. Letting him believe he'd done something right isn't doing anyone any favors.

[Lisa]

I agree with michael and others -- she needs to be straight with Jim. It may be awkward for her to say it, and painful for him to hear it, but in the long run he will benefit. There are books about going down - an excellent one titled: "She comes first" is available online as a free pdf download. I would recommend that to him and any other guy who doesn't know his way around female anatomy. Faking it and then avoiding him is more cruel than some gentle honesty.

[Michelle]

I agree with the fellas on this one. Kati broke the #1 rule of dating....never ever fake it the first time!

[Amy in StL]

I totally sympathize with Kati and poo-poo those who think she shouldn't have faked it. Some guys are simply unteachable. You can position them exactly where you want them and tell them exactly what to do and they still veer off course. There's no point in telling a guy this clueless that he was bad. My guess is he's been told before and still can't get it right. My last boyfriend (GOD bless my current one who gets it right and then some) never had any idea what to do and when I said so he said he'd been told that before.

[Krissy]

Oh yikes, poor Kati! The first huge red flag is a bad kisser. I've also got to agree with a lot of the others and say that some really are unteachable. But you had me in stitches, thanks for the laughs!